Monday, December 30, 2013

In the End

It's not that I haven't wanted to write; it just seems that I have spent a lot of time doing other things lately.  While talking with my friend Robin today, I realized that I had committed to a plan two years ago on this date (that's how the project of 15 Before 30 got started).  So, no matter how sleepy I am from travel, it's time to start writing...

I wrote this list of things to do before I turned 40, because I knew they would take a while, and I knew there was significance for each item to play a major part in my life. My 30's are a time of settling down, of reaching goals, and also of exploring and appreciating the world around me. I have always wanted to live a life of balance, but I feel more than ever that I need to find this balance in my life.

In the middle of December, I started feeling strange. I just felt TIRED all the time (I still do, really). I went to have a scan done by my dr (long story, but he was convinced I had another tumor), and they tried for almost an hour to complete the test. For some reason, my body was clotting the blood on contact, making the injection nearly impossible.  When they went to change the needle, they pulled massive clots out. I thought I was dying, and wondered what on earth was happening to me.

So, I headed to my primary doctor and talked with her. She agreed to run blood work, and checked me over. I told her I was by no means depressed, but I felt VERY exhausted at this point. She said we'd find out the results the next day.  I went home, and promptly went to bed.

I woke up the next morning, and I'll never forget the feeling. It was like my brain had no connection with my body. I had to go to the bathroom, but my brain wouldn't tell my body to get up and go. I felt spacey (what I imagine being stoned is like), and my face was tingly. I had a headache that hadn't gone away for a week at that point, so that was also nagging at me. When I went to speak to my son, I realized my speech was really slow.

I did what any logical level-headed person does when feeling this bad: I called the guy I've been dating (at work), and cried to him. Yeah, that was pretty uncharacteristic of me, so I'm guessing I felt BAD.  I decided to go to the doctor and get looked at.  My mother came home from work and drove me, because a shower almost did me in. When I arrived, the doctor took one look at me and sent me to the hospital. She noted that my left pupil wasn't dilating like it should, and my face numbness and weakness was concerning her. She was afraid I was having a stroke, and wanted imaging IMMEDIATELY.

Well, insurance can be a pain. I was sent for CT and CT-A scans, but insurance said they wanted four hours to review my file. I could be dead at that point, so my doctor told me to travel to Murfreesboro and go to the ER. That way, they could run the tests in less time, and potentially save my life.  So, we took the trek up there, and sat for the evening.

I can say nothing but good things about the hospital in Murfreesboro.  As soon as I came in, they already knew my situation (my doc had called ahead). I was processed quickly, and was hooked up to an EKG and had blood work within 10 minutes of arriving. They were really working hard to assess me quickly, and even had meds for pain and nausea within a pretty quick time. I started to feel better once I was there, but was still incredibly tired. I was also concerned about flying at this point (I would fly cross-country two days later).

I was told that what I had was a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA), and it is otherwise referred to as a mini-stroke. Pretty much, blood flow was interrupted temporarily to the brain, which gave me all of those effects. I was put on aspirin to thin my blood, and told to rest, relax, and drink plenty of fluids. I was also told to see a neurologist SOON.  There's a pretty decent risk of impending stroke if I do nothing, so that was a good wake-up call to evaluate life, and realize that I had a lot of control over the stress I was letting in my world.

So, as I sit here today, I am thinking about what it will take it get my life into balance. I take on too much stress of the life around me, and I know it will kill me. I've always been a kind, compassionate and hard-working person, and those traits can do a lot of harm if they aren't cultivated in the right setting.

I want to go back to school. I know I am already in the program, but I had to stop when the cancer arrived. I want to get back to learning about what I really enjoy, and finding a way to help people around me.

I want to look at how my skills can be matched with the world around me to leave me fulfilled.  I know I am thirty-one and saying this, but I guess it's better than waking up miserable when I am 40 or 50.  I know that I don't have to be happy every minute of my life, but I also know that I need to feel content, and I don't need to go on nerve pills just to exist.

I am enjoying the relationships and friendships around me, and I'd like to take time to cultivate those. I really love that I have three good female friends that I can lean on, and I enjoy a relaxed relationship with Jason. I like where I am at during this time, but I'd like to make sure I can keep these things going. I know that takes work and attention, but it's worth the time and effort for the great results.

I also need to complete a task off of my list. I was sitting here today, thinking about all of the projects, and about my life in general. It's been a pretty rocky 2013 for me, and I can't wait to push it out and welcome 2014.  I decided my first project to be completed soon will be going to see the Before I Die Wall in New Orleans. I had come across this place and the idea of the trip in 2011, and have tabled the idea for two years. It's time for the project to continue, and I honestly can't think of a better place to go to get inspiration for how to live a life of balance, and to appreciate each moment. Once our travel plans are complete, I'll let you know the plan! :-)

I'll be spending a low-key New Year's Eve with someone special, so I won't be making a post before the end of the year. But I will be thinking about this project, and about making these changes in my life. If 2013 was the year of catastrophe, then 2014 can be the year of metamorphosis. Carly asked if humans go through metamorphosis like butterflies, and my response was "most definitely!" My explanation was a bit over her head, but I appreciated getting to tell my daughter that amazing things happen when the body goes through stresses and traumas to grow. We all change and evolve, and it's amazing to see how those past transgressions shape our current beings. 2014 will be a year of spreading my wings.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Been a Long Time, Stranger...

The thought occurred to me last night that it has been a while since I've been writing on here.  When I looked at the blog, I realized just how long (and I think I cried a little). Why has it taken me so long, and why have I had a hard time thinking about what to write?  Get ready, you are about to read a flood of thoughts...

As you probably read, I had thyroid cancer in the spring, and treatment in May. I was home for a week-and-a-half, then went on to teach summer school.  By the time July rolled around, I was TIRED. Seems the idea of working full-time through the surgery, withdrawal of meds, and even with the treatment was catching up to me. I just wanted  a break, so this was a logical time to schedule for both kids to have their tonsils out.

Yes, BOTH kids, on the SAME morning. When I scheduled the appointment, I wasn't aware that my mother would be traveling with my father to China during that time, or I would have rethought my strategy.  Needless to say, those few days post-surgery were ROUGH on all of us. I was thrilled when they finally started feeling better.  By then, it was time for school to begin.

I started teaching elementary special education in Coffee County schools. I was the Math Resource teacher, and I was enjoying working with younger students again. I missed the enthusiasm and love that occurs in an elementary setting. I enjoy being greeted each morning with a dozen or more hugs.  My heart was happy!

The day I returned back to work from Fall Break, I stepped in a dip in a store parking lot. It wasn't enough to cause anyone else harm, but I heard a loud crack. It hurt a little, but not enough to make me miserable (or so I thought). So, I walked on it and did all of my work duties for a few days. By Wednesday, I was MISERABLE. The doctor talked to me and looked at the x-ray. He smirked and said "well, I imagine it WOULD hurt- it's broken!"  He wasn't sure what other damage occurred in my leg, so he wanted scans. I'm going to make a long story short for you: I ended up with surgery a week later, and have been out of work going through rehab and dealing with discomfort. I ended up with an ACL reconstruction, and they cleaned up a lot of other damage in my knee. The good news is when all of this healing is finally complete, I'll have a fantastic new knee. But for right now, it's been a struggle.

For people that know me, you can imagine how hard it is for me to be stuck at home most of the time. I am a people person, and like talking to even strangers I meet. The greatest challenge of all of this has been in making sure I get out and communicate with people, even if it's for short stretches of time. I don't want to cut myself off from the world just because I am uncomfortable. That's the recipe for a disaster.

That brings me up to mid-December, and I can say with 100% certainty that I am THRILLED for 2013 to be almost over! I am convinced that next year will be much better, and I will be able to move forward with many different endeavors. My leg will be further along healing, I got news from a scan a few weeks ago that I am cancer-free, and I've had some time to put a few life issues in perspective. I do want to comment on this project (the purpose of this new blog), but I'll save it for the next post.