tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1244784197899929322024-02-07T02:03:52.861-08:00Embracing the Ten Years Before 40...Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-14029708647406015482014-04-11T18:47:00.000-07:002014-04-11T18:47:37.629-07:00The Furies<div style="text-align: center;">
Abused, disappointed,</div>
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Raging, I come--oh, shall come!---</div>
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And drip from my heart</div>
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A hurt on your soil, a contagion,</div>
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A culture, a canker:</div>
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Leafless and childless Revenge.</div>
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-Aeschylus, from The Eumenides<br />
<br />
<br />
Today was a rough day. Well, it really was yesterday, but I was moving too fast to see it. I started the morning at the endocrinologist, where I received great news. Based on my January lab results and my scan, I was now moving on to appointments every six months! I told him I was feeling a little better as far as thyroid symptoms, but things were still off. He said my TSH was over-surpressed by my old doctor (to 0.03!!!). He said there was good news in this. "Yeah?" I perked up and looked at him.<br />
<br />
"Now you know what being on cocaine is like..."<br />
<br />
I like that he sees the bright side in everything. Honestly, he told me that pending my blood results, he's excited to see I'm coming along. He ordered more TSH levels to see that I moved appropriately to a level of 1-2.5 (should be to about 2 by now). He also rechecked my parathyroid hormone and my calcium levels. He was trying to figure out what was contributing to the pain in my leg and other bones throughout my body, as well as all of these odd things.<br />
<br />
I stopped to get my blood drawn, made small talk with the phlebotomist, and headed back to Tullahoma for another appointment. By then I was exhausted from the driving, waiting, and talking about important things, but I tried to perk up. This was my therapist, after all, and I knew that it could get ugly if I walked into the room in a bad mood.<br />
<br />
I would say the appointment went well. I was still feeling good from being told that my appointments were being stretched out, and I felt that for the first time in a while, I was able to get a handle on things. For anyone that thinks it is a picnic to be home and recovering, I'd like to paint a different picture for you:<br />
<br />
There are some days where I have to muster all of my energy just to get the kids to school and remember what they need. It will exhaust me to take a shower, and the bone pain of standing, walking around the house, or heaven-forbid taking a walk outside can be enough to bring me to tears. On the days/weeks when I have all of the energy in the world, I get things done at record speed. I have all of these exciting plans, and I am active in everything. The problem is I can't really feel pain during that time, so I tend to overdo or injure myself, and not even notice until I resume my normal level. It's confusing, but I'll sum it up as saying it can be hellish. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.<br />
<br />
But I was excited that day, because as I left my therapist and headed home, I'd be picking up Carly and babysitting my niece and nephew! They were in town from Washington, and I'd be watching them while my sister-in-law got her hair done. I was admittedly tired at that point, but I knew seeing their smiling faces would make it all go away.<br />
<br />
Right before they arrived at the house, I got a phone call. I knew it was from my doctor's office, but I wasn't too surprised. They are awesome, and tend to call me to fill me in as they get lab results. This time, though, the nurse's voice seemed a little more concerned than usual.<br />
<br />
"Hey, Michelle, how are you feeling?"<br />
<br />
I told her I was fine, and getting ready to fill the house with tons of little ones. She wasn't up for small-talk.<br />
<br />
"Well, Dr. Kistka wanted me to call you because we got your TSH levels back. Your TSH is STILL under the reference level, which is pretty abnormal. You are taking 112mcg of Synthroid, and your TSH is still at 0.45, It should have been at 2 by now."<br />
<br />
I didn't really know what to tell her. I had seemed to get a crash-course education in thyroids over the past year, but I didn't know anything about the other glands and what they did. So, I just waited for her to resume talking.<br />
<br />
"Dr. Kistka is worried about pituitary dysfunction."<br />
<br />
At that point, I did interject, asking her what that even meant. I knew where the pituitary gland was (in the brain), but didn't know what this had to do with a person with thyroid cancer.<br />
<br />
"Well, your PTH levels have been abnormally high for months, and your calcium isn't regulating. We don't think this has to do with your surgery, but may have just revved it up a bit. Your pituitary is in charge of all of that, and when something throws it off, it can make your whole body a mess."<br />
<br />
Another question from me, "well, what threw it off?" I didn't have a lot of time for small talk; I had company walking through the door in a few moments.<br />
<br />
"A tumor."<br />
<br />
GREAT.... I hadn't heard that word in a while. I don't think it's a word you get used to hearing.<br />
<br />
Now, keep in mind that a tumor on the pituitary gland can be tiny and still wreak havoc. All it takes is a small growth producing hormones and pressing on important things. I suddenly thought of the visual problems, the tremors, the abnormal heartbeats, all of the calcium issues and those side effects. This all might make sense, but it still wasn't what I wanted to hear.<br />
<br />
She told me I was lowering my med dose again, and I thought to myself "this was almost the dose I was on when I actually had a thyroid??? What's going on with me?" I thanked her for her help, and she told me she'd call me when they got the other results back.<br />
<br />
Shortly after that call, the company did arrive. They served as a pleasant distraction, and I was able to put everything out of my mind for the evening. When my head hit the pillow last night, I was OUT. No room for thinking about the past or future.<br />
<br />
The Furies hit this morning. I got up to take the kids to school, and then drove to run and errand. My mind began thinking about this path over the past few years, and all that has happened. Did the brain injury cause the growth in the brain? Did the endocrinologist miss the parathyroid adenoma? That scan was only 50% successful in finding tumors? The old endocrinologist seemed quite incompetent, so it seemed my natural reaction to be doubtful. Were the visual problems caused by all of these things? That doctor was audibly gossiping about each patient in the hallway, and he even cast his negative opinion on me.<br />
<br />
I didn't want to dwell on the past, and I don't like to be negative. Still, I wanted to round up all these doctors and scream, "WHY COULDN'T YOU HELP ME? WHY HAVE I LIVED THESE PAST FEW YEARS WITH MORE QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS? AND MORE PAIN THAN COMFORT???"<br />
<br />
I imagine this to be a bit of serendipity, or divine intervention. I had thought about The Furies, from Greek tragedies. They were females with one thing in mind: revenge. They would find those that had wronged people (criminals in their minds), and drive them to their own suicides through extreme despair.<br />
<br />
I would like to interject here that I am NOT advocating suicide or revenge of this sort, only that I had remembered The Furies, after I mentally lined up all of those health professionals that had wronged me.<br />
<br />
So I sat at home this evening, lying on my heating pad and hoping to finish a book before tomorrow. It's called "The Body Broken," and it's an absolutely lovely book. For anyone that wants to know what my life is like, or what the life of a friend or family member might be like that lives with chronic disabling pain, then this is the book to read. It's fantastically written, and it's like I am reading into a mirror.<br />
<br />
So, I chuckled aloud when I came across the passage on The Furies. She had that "break" too! She had a moment when anger took over, and when she realized just how much comfort and time these people had stolen from her.<br />
<br />
This moment was interesting for me (on what I felt today, and also what I read). You see, I never wanted to be vengeful; I always insisted on keeping a positive attitude. In the wake of a student attack, people marveled at my positive outlook. When I took 37 pills JUST TO EXIST after that attack, I just thanked God that I survived. When I looked back at the crap I endured with my marriage, I said "I am just thankful, I got out, and that I can move on!" And when I got cancer, I was quick to say "thank goodness it's just thyroid cancer!" Seriously, was my head in the clouds?<br />
<br />
The people around me cheered on my bright attitude, but they must have known that it doesn't last forever. Or maybe I fooled them; I did a pretty good job of fooling myself for a while.<br />
<br />
But there's something that happens when it's a struggle to move your body off a heating pad without tears. This same body that ran miles and carried babies and loved yoga. And for a person that people joked would "get more done before 9am than most people did all day!" I was having a problem with taking a shower without losing strength some days.<br />
<br />
My physiatrist gave me a thoughtful look when I "almost" cracked one day. I told her how hard this has been, and how I'm tired of not having all of the answers. She told me it seems I do have a lot of answers, they just aren't cures. Unfortunately some of this won't go away for the rest of my life. The key is learning to manage it.<br />
<br />
Yes, that's very insightful, but she needs to follow me home and see how pathetic I can be. I suck it up and give a brave face for most people around me, but inside I am dying to survive some days. I am not trying to throw a pity party, but I guess this is the first day I've really felt that first spark of vengeance, and of the feeling that I've been wronged. I feel like they've stolen time from me, with all of these wrong assessments.<br />
<br />
Part of the problem is that doctors have ego issues. I think they all do, when they get into a job of playing a God of sorts. When they don't see the answer quickly, they do this thing where they casually imply that the patient might be overly stressed and her mind is creating things. I wasn't dumb, so I picked up on these comments. Then the next appointment, they wanted to screen me for depression. How many times did this go awry?<br />
<br />
I complained of swallowing problems, and people thought I was stressed. I had thyroid cancer instead.<br />
<br />
I complained of having foot pain, and continued to wait tables for a few days. They said maybe overworked? After the x-rays, they saw I had broken several bones in the foot.<br />
<br />
I went to the hospital with TIA's, and was told all of the things to look for next time. The neurologist questioned me on stress and depression, wanting to blame all of my symptoms on that. Instead, it was a clotting disorder and very abnormally-thick blood causing the TIAs. Go figure...<br />
<br />
So I wasn't a fan of hearing that same stuff. I know that after pain and illness for this many years, there's no doubt some emotional help I could receive. I was already getting it, and the therapist was telling me to trust my instincts.<br />
<br />
I guess instead of being one of the furies, I have become more of a woman that feels she has to scream to be heard. I don't want to hurt anyone else, or cause them despair. I just want them to listen, and believe me to be a competent woman with a decent head on her shoulders. Trust me, I WANT to be out there laughing and playing with my kids. And on the many days that I do push myself way too far, I don't want to be miserable for days afterward. I try to keep positive, but I guess these setbacks always make it hard for me to handle.<br />
<br />
And when the word "tumor" pops up, that word can bring me to my knees.<br />
<br />
<br />Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-11267246414699358872014-04-05T19:23:00.000-07:002014-04-05T19:28:06.147-07:00Those Little MomentsIt seems in the past few weeks, there have been some absolutely terrible things happening around me. A local gal in town passed away of an illness, a former student I knew committed suicide, and another guy I knew from school just found out he has a brain tumor. If I'm not careful, I'll catch the blues amidst all of this grief. Ah, the woes of being an incredibly compassionate and empathetic person...<br />
<br />
Through all of that news, another thought was lingering in my head: yesterday was my one year cancerversary. I was incredibly excited to knock a year off my calendar, and say that I was indeed alive for one more calendar year. I remembered back to the day I was diagnosed, and my immediate thought was about the future. I thought first about my children, and what would happen if something were to happen to my one day. Beyond the idea of my untimely death, I then thought about what might happen if I spent years of my life ill before I passed. I know it's natural to have those feelings when diagnosed with cancer, but it felt like mine were more intense because I knew I was the only reliable parent to raise these kids. I really couldn't afford a chance of screwing up in my planning. <br />
<br />
After I ushered those thoughts of death and being bed-ridden out of my head, I started thinking about how I wouldn't take things for granted. I made a silent promise to myself that I was going to get out there and enjoy the world, and I was going to embrace all of the fantastic moments around me. If you remember back that far, I had just finished the 15 Before 30 project, so I was comforted in the fact that I had already finished a ton of bucket list activities before the surgery and diagnosis. I guess I did have some calm in knowing that I had already gone out and lived in the world. But I did know that I wanted to really savor all of the regular moments. Those moments that you really want to remember when you look back over your life.<br />
<br />
Every mom can probably agree with me when she reads this: we often get caught up in following the rules, or maintaining a household, or maintaining our sanity, and we fail to really ENJOY the moments of life with our kids. If you are anything like me, you are thinking about 20 things that are happening next, and it's hard to shut off your brain and enjoy the now. So, knowing this was a challenge for me, I made that my silent goal. I wanted to really stop and enjoy the moments around me. I know this would make me stop and think, and really enjoy and be appreciative of the life around me.<br />
<br />
Of course, life happens, I went through drug withdrawal and radiation treatment, I lost my job through a rather tacky and unfortunate separation, I tried my best to maintain normalcy while recovering, and I threw myself into a new job (that was way too stressful, and the work of three people!). Needless to say, I was throwing my goal to the side and charging ahead.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I can use a gentle reminder, but sometimes the reminders aren't so gentle. Mine came in the form of a loud "CRACK!" while I was putting away my grocery cart at Kroger. I could feel the pain searing through my leg, but I was still able to walk. I hobbled back to the car, and thought "if I can walk, it can't be THAT bad!"<br />
<br />
Well, I should have thought twice, since this is the fourth time I've broken a bone without really knowing it. This proves that I either have a problem with pain perception, or I'm too stubborn to go to the doctor. Either way, this became a rather painful reminder that maybe I needed to take time to slow down and focus on myself.<br />
<br />
While lying in bed for a few months, I guess I finally had the chance to appreciate those little moments. Life was terribly boring for a person that runs 100 miles an hour every day. I found myself just waiting for my kids to get home, then grilling them for information about their day. Why couldn't they remember every little detail about what happened at school??? Why doesn't Alex remember all of the side items he chose for lunch?!?!?<br />
<br />
This boredom really made me stop and appreciate the encounters I had with my children. When you have a broken leg, your primary duties are: 1) take meds, 2) get to bathroom and back, 3) eat. That's it; I wasn't cooking meals, or carrying loads of laundry upstairs. I wasn't cleaning bathrooms, or picking up toys and vacuuming rooms. Instead, I was coloring holiday pictures, playing card games, and reading stories with the kids.<br />
<br />
And that's exactly what needed to happen.<br />
<br />
You see, ever since the kids were born, I was the primary provider for them. I worked full-time as a teacher, and often had at least one part-time job on the side. Even after my student attack, I was taking care of medical problems, taking care of the household (what I could do), and taking care of kids. There simply wasn't time for those magical moments, and it made me sad. I knew I had it in me to be a great mom, but I had a really hard time balancing all of my duties.<br />
<br />
Guess what happened in the past few months? Amazing things! I knew my kids loved me, and we tell each other "I love you" about ten times a day. It's common to get little hugs here and there through the day, and I still tuck them in with a kiss every night. But on top of that, I was finally able to ENJOY my kids. I was able to sit on the bed and give them my full attention. I was able to hear their giggles while telling jokes, listen to them singing songs, dress paper dolls for every imagined occasion, and talk about bullies and girls while playing Yahtzee with Alex. I felt like I finally had the chance to do all of those things I missed, and that was probably the greatest gift I received after the cancer ordeal. It took a painful way of happening, but a gift nonetheless.<br />
<br />
And my great reward was realized on Friday. I got out of a hearing in the morning, and was feeling a bit down. I had been in child support enforcement court, and had to listen to the attorney talk to Chris about why he can't pay child support. I felt like I was listening to a broken record, with the same excuses and the same stories every time I get called back to court. I left that day shaking my head-- some people step up to the plate and do what it takes to take care of their responsibilities, and some people make excuses. Either way, I refused to let it ruin my day. I decided to head over to Alex's school and eat lunch with him. I replaced my blank expression with a big smile and walked in the door.<br />
<br />
I waited for him, and thought about the last time I came to eat at his school. It was always hard while teaching, because I was at a different school. When there were school events, I never got the opportunity to slip away and see everything. I had to eat lunch with him when our school breaks were staggered, but Friday I had a free slot open up, and I couldn't think of a better lunch date.<br />
<br />
When Alex saw me, you would have thought he saw a celebrity. He was beyond excited I was there to eat with him, and was excited to choose a friend to bring to lunch. We chatted about new movies, math tricks, and classroom happenings. When it was time to head up to take our trays, he walked ahead of me and yelled bye over his shoulder. I was conscious of the changes that happen with kids, and I was careful not to embarrass him.<br />
<br />
Anyone that's followed Alex knows that he's an incredibly social kid, but he can be awkward in places. He doesn't like hugs, and sometimes gets confused about social cues. Over the past few months, with our extra time spent together, I could see him warming up. That day, in the lunch line, the most amazing thing happened:<br />
<br />
He bolted out of the line of his peers, threw his arms around me waist, and gave me the biggest squeeze. He stayed there for about ten seconds, then told me he loved me and got back in line. I could feel myself tearing up. People around me might have thought I was crazy, but they didn't know what a big deal this was! I had been waiting for the moment of having a big hug from this boy; I knew I'd keep hugging him and wait for the rest of my life if I had to. Something in him was always guarded, and it was almost like he was uncomfortable being that vulnerable. Finally, it was time!<br />
<br />
What seemed like a hug in a school cafeteria felt like so much more; over the past five months of being home with the kids, I was able to watch them grow. I finally felt like I was also able to stop, breathe, and enjoy those little moments with them.<br />
<br />
So, for today, I took them on a few day adventures. We went to Chik Fil-A for lunch, then the Hands-On Science Center to play. We finished the afternoon by having blizzards at Dairy Queen and selecting a movie for family movie night. Yes, that seems like plain old stuff, but I was really enjoying the day of normal. I listened to their backseat conversations, and didn't mind when Carly needed to belt out the words to "Let it Go" at the top of her lungs. I giggled with them when we swapped blizzards, and munched popcorn while we guessed what would happen in The Pirate Fairy. And I noticed every moment, and marveled and what cool kids I had been blessed with for this journey.<br />
<br />
I don't know many people that are thankful for a broken leg, and all of the pain and grief it has brought along with it, but I will say that I am thankful for the clarity it has brought me, and the lesson that it's ok to be less than perfect, and to stop and enjoy my life. It's sad that I had to have permission for such a thing.<br />
<br />
On a side note, I do think an update might be helpful to those of you that follow the story: there have been continued problems with my leg, which we knew might happen. A lot was done during surgery, and there were a few different areas that needed to heal. The doctor knows it is frustrating, but also knows that each patient heals at a different rate. My muscle spasms that were occurring before the break aren't helping the recovery, so I'm sure that causes some extra trouble.<br />
<br />
I try to keep active, and am still doing my physical therapy at home. I am trying to be patient, and know that things take time to get better. We finally addressed a med change, which helped me get more comfortable at night! Once I was able to sleep again, I felt a bit more sane! :-)<br />
<br />
I know everything will work out, even when I have my downs. Pain doesn't last forever, though it seems my body has been trying to prove that theory wrong! The best medicine for any of my ailments has been to pause and listen to the wise words of my little ones.<br />
<br />
Carly's latest thoughts:<br />
<br />
"Mom, I am sorry I was almost late to school. I was picking these flowers, but I also saw that squirrel right over there. I had to decide if I wanted to keep these flowers, or make that squirrel my pet. I could catch him and name him Butch. Or I can pick more flowers, but I can only do one! Hey, could you pick these flowers, and I'll go get Butch?!?!"<br />
<br />
She was sent to me because God knew I needed to loosen up...<br />
<br />
;-)Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-66849478819823147492014-02-19T18:10:00.000-08:002014-02-19T18:10:08.585-08:00Just Breathe<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The past week has been incredibly stressful, and I'm not sure why.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Wait, I have an idea why...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You know how there are said to be five stages of dealing with grief or a loss? It's a fluid process, and people move through the stages at different rates, and sometimes in different orders. Well, I think I've been going through sort of a grieving process. It's been four months since I had my broken leg and surgery, and I ended up with a visit to the hospital for blood clotting issues and a mini-stroke, then sat in the neurologist's office while she confirmed my fears of Essential Tremor and/or Parkinson's Disease (by fears I mean that I am smart enough to know what that can do to an active and excited young person).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, my automatic response to any news like that is to pretend everything is great, and picture the ten thousand things I will do to show the world that I will overcome. If there's one thing you can do to tick me off, it's telling me I can't do something. Even though people didn't actually SAY I couldn't do things, as a special education teacher, my mind automatically went to all of the things that will happen and how my life will never be the same.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On top of that, my shaking has been pronounced enough to start causing some injuries if I'm not careful. On a completely related note, I am thinking of retiring from mascara...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, back to the process. After making the list of things I am going to do to show whatever is going on who's boss, I then fall into a funk. Man, I could write a manual on myself by now. I guess I need to give myself credit- a lot of people spend thousands on therapy to figure out what I already have. I have seen myself go through it before, and knew it was coming. I embraced the funk (NEVER thought I'd type that sentence in my life, so there's a first!).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It hit me when I had to resign from my job. Until then, I had been on medical leave, and I could pretend that everything was going to be great. This was just something simple, and I would bounce back in no time. Problem is that I spend 8-10 days a month at a medical facility, I have to put great care into most EVERYTHING that I do, and it's just getting worse. I think that bounceback is going to take a while...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As far as the job is concerned, it wasn't fair to the students for them to keep wondering if I was returning. I got into teaching because of the kids, and I know more than anything that they need consistency. They need it in behavior support, and they need it in teachers and staff. I couldn't lead them on when I honestly didn't know when I would be healthy to return. I also didn't want to return too soon, and risk having a MAJOR setback from stress (heart attack or stroke). I'd sucked up the stress for too long, and I knew it would eventually get to me. So, I know I'll find something new that might balance everything out, and for right now I am going to focus on getting back to a balance. Find the new me. Some cool new age jargon like that...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, during this funk, I was sitting in a chair and staring out the window. I had days when I honestly didn't want to move. It wasn't depression- it was just time where I could slow my body down. My body has caused so many symptoms, it's like I am always on high alert to notice things. I needed time to slow my body down so I could really think. It turns out those days were useful. I was able to prioritize some things, and make a plan for moving forward.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Today, I rejoined the yoga world. I had wanted to do it for some time, but I wasn't able to modify a lot of the positions to accommodate my leg. It turns out the knee is a pretty vital piece of the body, and every position change affects it (as I found out right after surgery!). This morning I went to run errands, then returned to stretch out and let my mind wander.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Actually, the video I used focused more on my breathing. I had to laugh at first, because it seems like such a simple task. Don't get me wrong- I love yoga, and I enjoy how relaxed I feel afterward. I have done various routines for many years, but I've never seen a video that spent the first twenty minutes leading me through various breathing exercises. The narrator told me to really feel my breath, and welcome it into every cell in my body.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I believe in traditional medicine, but I also believe a lot of alternative strategies work as well. Together, I think you can make a great treatment plan for a patient. No matter what I was wanting the meds to do, I wasn't focusing on a plan that would help me maintain and build some strength, work on my balance, and promote deep breathing and stress relief. I think I finally found my missing piece!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">After the yoga routine (4o minutes!), I decided to head outside for a walk. I had only walked short jaunts around the neighborhood, so this would be the first time I headed out any longer. I am going to my physiatrist on Friday, and I wanted to be able to give her an idea of what my body could do. I know it seems odd when people think "it's been four months, so why are you still hurting?" Well, the doctor looked at my wound and said the scar isn't even healed all the way, so everything under it is still working. He gave me an injection for all the inflammation in my actual knee, which is keeping healing from happening. Then, there's the broken bone, which does take a while (especially in a weight-bearing bone). He told me he wouldn't clear me for the football field for 9-12 months, and from what he hears, a special education classroom is a similar environment (insert laugh here).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I walked at a moderate pace for about 25 minutes, and took a path outside the neighborhood. I remember getting fairly far down the road and thinking "I sure hope I can walk all the way back!" and "maybe this is why I stay close to home?" My leg was starting to bug me, and I knew it was going to be an interesting night. I know I have to push myself, but I also have to balance that with not causing more damage. So, I headed home and put it up for a while.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We headed over to my best friend Robin's house, and played with the kids and ate pizza for dinner. I was glad to be able to chat with a good friend, and enjoy some family time. This reminded me of another crucial component of my plan to feel better: I need to schedule more social time. In the past four months, I've had a habit of being a bit of a recluse. All of the medical appts have exhausted me, and that made me not want to get out and actually talk to people. Add to that the fact that I have felt yucky a few of the days, and I am surprised I didn't scream when I saw daylight today. I know I need to get out more, and today starts my plan in that respect.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In these stages that I'm going through, I guess I'd be Acceptance by now. I've made a plan, so I guess that comes after realizing life probably won't go back to the way it used to be. That's ok; we just have to adjust. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And breathe.</span>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-80282696271833407562014-02-13T18:53:00.000-08:002014-02-13T18:53:46.931-08:00Embracing the Moment<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Earlier in the week, I visited my friendly hematologist. He took 21 vials of blood two weeks ago, and told me he was sure he'd have some sort of answer for me on Tuesday.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Now I had been to the neurologist at the beginning of the month, and wasn't terribly thrilled when she confirmed my diagnosis, and told me it was most likely a combination of Essential Tremor and young-onset Parkinson's Disease. Having the thoughts in your head and comments from doctors is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than hearing a neurologist say "you have a problem..."<br /><br />Awesome.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, I wasn't terribly thrilled to go see another specialist. To be honest, I wanted to get answers, and I have been feeling disheartened because it has taken five years to get the answers. But I also felt more comfortable with some things just being a "maybe." Sometimes getting results means I finally have to deal. I am a fairly well-adjusted person (in my opinion), but I also feel like I've dealt with more than my share lately.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, I sat in the exam room and waited for him to arrive. It didn't help that the appointment took two hours, so I felt like I was waiting in Purgatory. When he finally walked in, I could already tell he had some thoughts in his head. He had something to share, and he didn't wait too long before starting into his speech...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"We ran TONS of tests on your blood, because we needed answers. We did get a POSITIVE back on one of our tests for clotting disorders. As you know, your blood clots WAY TOO EASILY, and that's a big problem. Now we know why. You have Factor V Leiden Thrombophilia."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I just blinked at him. I remembered how they had taken all of those vials, and how it took FOREVER because my blood was clotting in the collection tubing. I remember looking at the tubing and wondering how on earth that could even happen.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">He told me that it was with me since birth, but we probably didn't pay enough attention to it until now. He said this is what was causing my TIAs, and was the reason I had pregnancy complications and two miscarriages. He said that honestly he was surprised I was able to have two healthy children, even with the complications that came along with them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I asked him what I needed to do, because I obviously didn't want my blood to keep clotting up, and causing major issues like strokes, pulmonary embolisms, etc.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">He told me the problem was that he didn't feel comfortable putting me on potent blood thinners yet, because I have accumulated quite a few minor injuries from my clumsiness and shaking (remember last post?). He pointed to the cuts and scrapes I had, and told me I would be in big trouble if I had super-thin blood while slamming into everything and cutting body parts. BUT THEY WERE KIDS SCISSORS!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, right now he wants to try a "wait and see" approach. He'd like to wait for the signs of a clotting problem, then make that the beginning of treatment. I can understand where he's coming from, but I am also a bit nervous about that. He also wants me to get the tremor medication worked out, because he feels more confident with trying blood thinners once I am not a risk to myself... LOL</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, I came home from that appointment TIRED. Beyond all of that info, my blood pressure has been dipping dangerously low (114/40), and it has been making me feel dizzy and just miserable. It was my intention to rest and feel better for Wednesday. I had heard a rumor that snow might be coming to the area, but I didn't believe that would happen anytime soon. It just doesn't happen here anymore.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Well, the kids were off on Wednesday (and my mom was home as well). I was excited, because we had the opportunity to play games, watch cartoons, play dolls, run around outside before the snow, make homemade pizza for lunch, and snuggle. I was excited we got a day together, and I really needed that after such a tiring day on Tuesday. I even got a pretty decent nap, so that made for a good rest of the evening.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In the evening hours, the snow started to fall. My dream was coming true!! I know it sounds cheezy, but there's NOTHING better to me than to watch snow fall. I like the peace and quiet that happens when I am watching the snow drift. I can sit and watch it at a window for hours, which is probably disturbing to most. After all of our excitement from playing all day, both kids were asleep before 7pm. I tiptoed into Alex's room, and told him to put on his robe and boots. He popped his little head up and wondered what was going on. I told him I had a surprise for him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Something I had been thinking about, as all of these issues have been happening; probably the scariest thing for me to deal with is the idea that I won't be able to do everything I want to do with the children. I feel bad sometimes that they have never had a mother that's 100% healthy all the time, and really that's the only parent that is around. They have grown up to be compassionate creatures, and we still have fun, but I sometimes wish I had the ability to do so much more.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, when the snow started falling, I decided we needed to embrace the moment. I took Alex outside, and we stood for ten minutes, feeling the snow fall on our faces, and catching flakes. There was such a peaceful stillness in the air, and we loved watching the snow falling under the security light on the street. I even turned on the flood lights so we could watch the snow fall inside the house, on the staircase. Here's a picture of my snow buddy:</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSoHmKzw_36S7WHDG9-8p0nndeZhyphenhyphenp9g-opzqHhTif1U6x_t80Nhef6eo0kHnTCTN5AfyZjdu_yuY_NoerLa0Yr8kj7lh_X-MDfjMvZgplONhkP9jjM_Vr5tb1OkFKpoRaqxLCYl_FomY/s1600/alex+snow.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSoHmKzw_36S7WHDG9-8p0nndeZhyphenhyphenp9g-opzqHhTif1U6x_t80Nhef6eo0kHnTCTN5AfyZjdu_yuY_NoerLa0Yr8kj7lh_X-MDfjMvZgplONhkP9jjM_Vr5tb1OkFKpoRaqxLCYl_FomY/s1600/alex+snow.JPG" height="320" width="239" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We headed to bed, and by the time I fell asleep we had about two inches on the ground. I will admit that I did sneak back outside by myself later, to absorb that feeling of quiet again. :-)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This morning, I heard my bedroom door FLY open as Alex burst in to announce that it had SNOWED BIG TIME. He was SOOOOOO excited at the winter wonderland outside, and he told me how it looked from his bedroom window, from the balcony window, and from a downstairs window. Apparently angle is everything when viewing the snow...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, even though I hadn't been feeling too great, I decided we needed to embrace this moment. Me and the kids were going to make snow angels! Yes, a person with recent ACL surgery and a broken leg, along with various pain and neuromuscular issues thinks it is a good idea to make snow angels.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Here we are (thanks Mom for taking the pic!):</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhawb0nETzmV5OgcMbLEGPUrK_F0f39T9wwb7K78d_Pam-zrJzQfvz1Z09MDdUJgn2pnZaGyQf6Ray7CRMUKaggGIRYIzSV_2Ou0-FQXsA6tMtPaqJLHijIPUlXEIDQdVP-DGVzmD3NF2Y/s1600/group+snow+angels.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhawb0nETzmV5OgcMbLEGPUrK_F0f39T9wwb7K78d_Pam-zrJzQfvz1Z09MDdUJgn2pnZaGyQf6Ray7CRMUKaggGIRYIzSV_2Ou0-FQXsA6tMtPaqJLHijIPUlXEIDQdVP-DGVzmD3NF2Y/s1600/group+snow+angels.JPG" height="239" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I thought about the numerous reasons why the snow angels may not be a good idea, but then I thought of one really good reason why this needed to happen: It hasn't snowed in a while, and I don't know when this will happen again. The kids need to have a memory of me playing in the snow with them, in case I am not able to do things like this later.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, we threw piles of snow "dust" (the snow wouldn't pack, so it looked like glitter glistening against the early morning sunlight). They found big hunks of snow to eat, and took turns sliding down the slide into a pile of snow. I'm glad they had that opportunity to get out there with me, and they were grateful for the hot chocolate when we headed back inside! :-)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">These past few weeks have been adjusting to a new reality. Where there have been suspicions and questions for some time about what my future might hold, now I am faced with a bit more certainty about the uncertainty, if that makes any sense. It was fun to be able to take some time to enjoy my little ones, and to make some memories that will serve us well as years go by.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">None of us really knows what the future holds. I try to keep in perspective the fact that there have been so many rough things that have happened to me so far, and I've survived them all. But I also know that there's only so many battles one person can handle. So, I take comfort in my good friends that reach out to me, and my family that is there to catch me when I stumble. And I thank God every day for a little voice that tells me in the morning "don't you know that you are the best mommy a girl could ever have?" Some days I don't feel it, and I wonder what the future holds; in those little eyes though, it seems like everything is working out just fine. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><3</span>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-67849340119175374482014-02-09T17:25:00.000-08:002014-02-09T17:25:01.462-08:00Dreams and Other ThoughtsI was warned that I might have some oddly-detailed dreams while taking my new anti-shake medicine (propanolol). I shrugged off the advice, because I figured it all came down to what you wanted your mind to do. Some of those side effects I've heard of in the past were off-the-wall, and I always thought a bit of mind-power can make everything calm down.<br />
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Was. I. Wrong.<br />
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The first night I took the medicine, I will report that I haven't slept that well in a while! I am not sure if it just made me sleepy, or it calmed down my body. The internal tremor has been getting old, and that's bugged me in the nighttime. I will admit that I had never really woken up in the night and noted symptoms on a chart...<br />
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Well, I woke up the next morning and laughed about the idea that I could have strange dreams. I guess I finally gave my mind permission to relax, because the next night was a doozy. My home was being attacked by various arachnids, but they were always lined up in straight lines. They never moved while I was watching them, but their positions often changed. That was probably what scared me more than anything about the dream- I KNEW they were moving, but couldn't prove it. And no one believed me... I am sure the Freudians would probably read something into that detail.<br />
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The next night was another detailed dream, where Asian terrorists were attempting to hijack an airlines by smuggling in mangoes that carried explosives. Yes, you read that correctly. I got caught up in the whole deal because I was going to meet someone at Gate O, and someone handed me a mango. Always the wrong place at the wrong time...<br />
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There were more, but really until this morning I didn't think of writing them down. Now I think I am going to keep a dream diary, because I'll be sad I didn't record them if I ever go off this medicine. If anything, it provides a little comic relief.<br />
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This weekend I was a lot more tired than usual, and a bit shakier as well. I've found there's a strong correlation between the two, but it's funny considering I slept in both mornings.<br />
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We took the kids to The Lego Movie, and they were beyond excited. I would have much rather stayed in bed and rested for the day, but I often feel bad when the kids are punished by my illness. So, we headed to the theater, and everyone was enjoying themselves.<br />
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Stupid Injury #1 happened in the bathroom. I was trying to maneuver the lock on the handicapped stall, and my hand wasn't coordinated and cooperating. Long story short, Carly watched in horror as I ripped the skin off the top of my hand. It immediately swelled up with a big lump under the skin, turned purple, and started gushing blood. She let out an awesome scream, and the other lady in the bathroom was rather concerned. No sounds came out of my mouth; I just walked out of the stall with big eyes. The manager gave me a band-aid, and I headed back to the movie.<br />
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We made it to ice cream after the movie, and ran an errand. Everything was wrapped up for the weekend, and I was feeling prepared to start the week. Enter Stupid Injuries #2 and #3...<br />
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Stupid Injury #2 happened while attempting to clean up the bonus room. While picking up remotes, I managed to drop one on the exactly wrong spot on my foot. Now, I am not trying to whine, merely pointing out that the most ridiculous things have been happening. I let out a strange noise and sat down quickly. Carly was in there, and she gave me a puzzled look. 'you doing ok, mom???"<br />
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I told her my hands aren't cooperating today, so I was planning on taking it easy for the rest of the night. Alex commented that he was ready for his movie before bed, but wanted me to cut the tag off his new stuffed Chihuahua. Enter Stupid Injury #3...<br />
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Yep, you can probably already imagine what happened there. I am guessing that maybe using scissors (even kid ones) isn't a good plan when I am tired anymore, because tired = shaky. I sliced through part of my finger, and the blood started gushing. He looked at me and said "maybe you should just go to bed?"<br />
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I told him I give up, and tomorrow's another day... I tried to laugh and kissed him, but the thought occurred to me that maybe I should reevaluate some of the daily activities I've been doing. I really don't want to get another really serious injury from the shakiness and lack of balance. The bone is FINALLY healing from the fracture four months ago. I really don't need Round #2.<br />
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This week will be a busy one in my medical life. I go to physical therapy to work on my balance and range of motion, then head to the Hematologist on Tuesday to get the results of my clotting tests (and some advice on how to proceed with a lot of things). Friday (my favorite appt) I get to go to the orthopedic surgeon so he can inject medication directly INTO my knee. Because nothing says Valentine's Day like needles and medications...<br />
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I try to remain hopeful that life will work itself out, but sometimes it can be frustrating. I am glad I am moving in the right direction, but it can be disheartening to encounter activities in my daily life that are now a challenge. I am a person that likes the freedom of doing anything she pleases, and of holding her own. The last thing I want to admit is that I can't do everything I want to do anymore. I am happy to hear how many people have offered help, or have told me that we will deal with whatever happens as time goes on. But I guess this mental transition in my head of putting a lot more effort into looking normal- THAT'S what is bugging me more than anything. When you balance enough plates in the air, eventually they all come crashing down.<br />
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A goal for this week is looking into the voice-assisted technology program, like Dragon Naturally Speaking. I love writing, and I especially like documenting this journey. It makes me sad to fix these passages over and over again, and see that my once-lightning-speed typing is now at least half speed. Still faster than those that have to hunt and peck, but not what I once was. I am hoping the idea of transcribing will keep the ideas flowing without the frustration of having to type. Expect much longer passages at that point... :-)Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-45051565738615054242014-02-05T17:14:00.000-08:002014-02-05T17:14:02.264-08:00A Step in the Right Direction<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Last week I finally heard back from my new neurologist. I had already seen the hematologist about the blood clotting issues, but had been waiting on the referral to the new neurologist. I got the call, and nurse told me "right now, we are looking at 9:30am... on May 29th..."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My heart sank.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I knew that there are tons of people out there that have issues, but I also wanted to make a plan so I could get my life back on track. I told her that would be fine, but asked if I could be on a cancellation list. She told me that was fine, and I will hopefully hear something a lot sooner than May.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On Monday morning, I was home with Alex. I had cancelled my physical therapy appointment because he wasn't feeling good, and we were about to take a rest. I got a phone call from the nurse, asking me if I could make it to the neurologist on THAT DAY at 1:30, since she'd had some cancellations.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">YES!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I told her I'd make it work, and would have to bring a kid with me. I was SOOOO excited, even if that didn't leave me time for a shower. I never like to go in public "undone," let alone meet a new doctor that I have to convince I am not crazy. I did my hair and slapped on some makeup, and we headed out the door.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I was having trouble over the past week, where even when I went to sleep at night I could watch my body spasm and twitch about. Sleep had gotten interesting, and I really just wanted some relief. While I surely didn't think I had a ticking time bomb sort of issue, I was about to lose my mind!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I arrived at the doctor, and filled out fifty seven pages of medical history. I pretty much told them everything that every happened in my life, which has been a challenge to write since my handwriting has gotten funky. I remember thinking to myself "I need to type all of this so I can just hand them a copy, and make multiple copies of that." I also remember thinking I would look really cool handing a booklet to my doctor. Hypochondriac anyone?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But once you've had cancer, they kinda expect you to give tons of info. And if you don't, they ask you TONS of questions anyway. So, I am thinking the booklet might be a good plan.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The nurse was incredibly friendly, and told me Alex was fine to sit with me. I could tell he was nervous, because he opened his water to drink it and spilled it all over the floor. Without missing a beat, she handed him a few paper towels, and told him it was only water. I appreciated that she did her best to make him feel at ease.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I was a bit nervous, meeting a new doctor and all. I was also nervous to talk to the doctor in front of Alex, because I don't want him worrying about me. The good thing about Alex, is he has the ability to hyperfocus. It can be really bad when you are trying to get his attention, but it was fantastic when I was conversing with the doctor. She even giggled when he made motor noises while playing his game, because he was completely oblivious to her in the room and our serious conversation.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The doctor: when she walked in, I was a little nervous. She looked nice, but she also looked extremely professional. I had thought back to all of my doctors I've seen, and I have had some doozies. Unfortunately, that makes me a bit skiddish when meeting new docs. I just didn't want her to think I was crazy, because I was tired of my issues being belittled. The truth I have learned is that if I am a male with the exact same issues, I would be taken seriously. Because I am female, sometimes they play the "hysteria" card, and blame it on hormones or mental illness. It's a sad world in health care when doctors play this game. They threw that crap on me the week before I found out I had cancer. One minute I am just crazy; the next minute they are telling me I have cancer, and apologizing. Nice...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, I answered her questions, but I didn't want to divulge too much info yet. I didn't want to run her off. She seemed nice enough, and she was really thorough. She started with the hospital event in December, and went over that info with me. She made a plan for the stroke care, since she said it was probably a Transient Ischemic Attack. It sounds like the same thing that happened in 2009, and she was glad the hematologist was looking into the cause. With infertility issues that may have stemmed from this clotting problem, and the TIAs, she decided that I needed to remain on long-term aspirin therapy, and look at minimizing other stroke risk factors. Fair enough. We talked about those, and got a plan squared away.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I was already beginning to love her, because she was actively making a plan. I had concerns, and she was validating them and making a plan! No finger-pointing or whining! Just matter-of-factly telling me what we had to do, then asking me if I thought that was a reasonable plan. Then she moved on to the other issue...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I was really nervous to talk to her about the tremors, I guess because I get emotional about them. I really didn't want to cry in front of the doctor, but it happens when I have to tell her how embarrassing this has become, and how it has affected my personal and work life. I could already feel the tears well up as she started asking me one hundred questions. When I started telling her how I shake when I write, when I type, when I put on makeup, that's when I started to cry. I realized that everything I do to get ready, to be productive, to be a human being, is now affected. I told her how even when I sit and watch tv at night, I feel the twitching and spasms, and see parts flop about. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She told me it sounded like I had rest tremors and tremors with activity. I agreed, and told her that has been what confused me. I seem to overlap with the Essential Tremor and Parkinson's Disease diagnoses, and that confused me. I explained all of the family members that had both ET and PD, and told her that essentially there was a "whole lotta shakin' goin' on." She really appreciated that comment, and her giggle lightened the mood quite a bit.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She asked me "why on earth has no one tried medicines for the tremors?" I told her how people observed them, but either shrugged them off as anxiety or told me I was crazy. I know I've had stress in the past, but this has gone on for too long, and it's gotten a lot worse! She told me that wasn't a very smart plan, and she wants to start me on meds right away. The only way to know if they will work is to try them, but she wants to start me on the most conservative (and cheapest!) drug first. She wants there to be benefit, but not at the expense of side effects, or building up a tolerance to meds early in the treatment phase. She told me that meds should help me function easier, and that I can work on exercises to build up my strength and balance, until those start giving me more trouble. Essentially, she let me know that all of this will progress, but a proactive approach will help me function independently for longer. I liked the sound of that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She also wanted ALL of my records from all the other doctors, because she wanted to sort through everything and see what they were searching for. With the swallowing issues that required esophageal stretching at the Mayo Clinic, she wants to make sure that wasn't related to the swallowing problems of PD. The balance issues that have caused broken bones and injury sound like they've been linked to it as well. I had to wonder what would have happened if I had met her five years ago instead of the other twenty doctors. I guess we can't go back, and it's really worthless to think about all of that. I'm just glad I've found her now.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, I started on propanolol, and I went ahead and started a more aggressive dose. This is used to lessen the tremors, and decrease the anxious reaction they are causing. It's actually a beta blocker used for people with heart issues. She said it was a good first choice because it didn't have a lot of side effects, and it was cheap. I just have to be careful of standing up too quickly- sometimes the blood pressure can take a dive, and people pass out. I think I can remember that if it means making a difference in my daily routine! She said I could feel results fairly quickly, but to give it a week or two to really gauge its effectiveness. She asked me if it was reasonable to meet back in two months to see how the treatment is working, and for me to promise I will get an opthalmology evaluation and talk to my sleep dr again. PD has sleep problems associated with it, and she wants to make sure we are all on the same page. I hadn't been to the eye dr in a while, but have had some vision issues associated with both the TIA and my daily life. My left vision has been blurry off and on, and she said that very well could be creating that nausea feeling, and the headaches I sometimes get. She wants to make sure everything is intact from that perspective, and I am grateful that she's on the ball.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, after getting back into Tullahoma, I stopped by and picked up my new meds. I was a bit leery that a drug costing $4.25 a month could be the answer to my worries, but I gave it a shot. I took a pill and went about my evening routine. I really didn't expect much of anything to happen.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I did feel a bit more relaxed about life. Honestly, I didn't give a flip what happened that evening, which was kinda nice. I didn't feel drugged or anything, but it seemed like things moved slower. It wasn't half bad. I couldn't tell if the tremors were less, or if I just didn't care... LOL</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I headed to bed at a reasonable hour, and woke up at almost 7am!! WHAT??? I had slept almost 10 hours and didn't wake up! That NEVER happens. Ok, I did remember waking up briefly one time in the night, because I was having really odd dreams. On Tuesday morning, I did a little research and found out that was one of the commonly reported side effects (vivid and sometimes strange dreams). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Day 2 was pretty decent, but I found myself sleeping quite a bit during the day. That was a little strange since I had slept so long the night before, but I was wondering if I was finally catching up on sleep. Tuesday night, I was asleep by 9pm. What time did I wake up Wednesday? 7AM!!! ANOTHER 10 HOUR NIGHT!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Of course, I woke up once or twice from strange dreams again- nothing scary, just very realistic and odd. I can't remember them now, but they were worth waking up for. Today I had to go meet someone for lunch, and I was a bit nervous. This was the first social opportunity since starting the medicine, and it gave me an opportunity to see the meds in action. I've been getting anxious because I don't want to look odd in public, which I am sure makes everything worse. Well, the thing that makes it worse is when people point it out (which happens EVERY DAY). I really didn't want to look out of place, and I practiced my hand-holding I do to make it look like I am thoughtful instead of shaky...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I took half a dose earlier in the day, and the other half an hour before lunch. I wondered if the dose was what made me sleepy the day before, and I didn't want to risk that with the driving to Murfreesboro. So, I figured the split would lessen the blow of the meds. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am happy to report that lunch went well! Either I didn't care about the shaking, or it really did help! Or, my lunch mate was just too polite to ask... LOL It was nice to be out and be social, even if it did mean I had to sit and worry about this issue for two hours. At least I was getting out there and living life! And because I am like Garfield and love me some lasagna, that's what really pushed me to go... ;-)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We'll see what happens over the next few weeks. I meet with the hematologist next week to come up with a plan for my blood, and I go back to see my orthopedic surgeon to address my healing of my knee. I am supposed to start back to work the week after that, if I am about to get a handle on my health. I want to balance a medication that makes me safe and productive, with the ability to be productive at work and do what needs to be done. The reality is that teaching special education requires 150% alertness and physical function, and that's what is making me apprehensive right now. When I take a med to increase my physical ability, I am sacrificing alertness. At some point, I need to make a decision about what's best for me and my career. Unfortunately, I've always been the provider and never got to worry first about my health and comfort. Right now, as a single parent and provider, I am trying to be thoughtful in balancing my well-being with the well-being of my children. Pray for me on that aspect.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What I'm really hoping for is some time to make a plan. The whole reason I created this blog was as an extension of my project I did for turning 30. I still had goals that I wanted to complete by 40, and I guess I've been lax in making a plan about getting anything done. Maybe the best part about facing my new reality is knowing if I want to reach those goals, I need to plan on sooner rather than later. That's probably true for all of us, so I guess it's a good thing to realize now. :-)</span>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-19148362789880085862014-01-27T13:15:00.000-08:002014-01-27T13:15:23.526-08:00TremorsWhen I hear the word "tremors," I think of that really bad Kevin Bacon Movie that had those strange reptile-like creatures that attack a town. I guess that was all the attention I gave to the word, until the past few years.<br />
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Back in 2009, when I had Carly, some strange things started happening. I had always noticed my hand had a sort of tremor to it--people always commented on how I didn't need to be nervous, and I was always confused because I had no idea what they were talking about. By 2009, apparently they were noticed enough to be called something. I had some issues with tremors and with weakness, and was given the dx of essential tremor. I had never heard of the term, and when I googled it, I only really got a clear picture once I saw that Katharine Hepburn had it, and that wasn't a great picture. Essential tremor is often familial, and I had a feeling it was a fairly accurate diagnosis once I noted to the doctor that both my mother and grandmother (her mom) have the same tremor that has gotten pretty bad. Awesome...<br />
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Flash forward a few years. I dealt with a pretty significant injury, recovery from injury and illness, and returned to work and got a divorce. Life had seemed to smooth out, but it wasn't without notice of the tremor. During the time of my injury and illness, some of the symptoms were not as noticeable because I was on so many medications (and probably I was so drugged I didn't take note of the symptoms!). It was really in the past three years that everything really got worse.<br />
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I remember having students constantly commenting about my hands that shook when I tried to teach and write on the board, and how much work it took for me to write neatly and hide these issues. I remember going in to meetings and knowing my hand was going to shake violently, so I would position it under my notepad or between my legs. I remember all of these things because I had to pay attention to my symptoms just to get by. I didn't want to deal with ANOTHER setback, so I just ignored it and coped the best I could.<br />
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It was during the past couple of months that I really began to notice it again. I had low calcium levels after my thyroidectomy, so they had been blaming my floppy and shaky hands on those levels. The truth is, my hands are pretty consistent no matter what the levels are doing at the moment, we just gave the calcium all the credit for causing such grief. We looked at medication side effects and any other reason that this might be happening. Never mind I had already been told what it was a few years ago. Maybe I just wanted someone to explain it away; to give it a reason that could be solved by a simple exercise or a pill. Not that I wanted an easy answer, but I didn't want to get a diagnosis in which there wasn't much at all that could be done.<br />
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I have had the tremors and spasms for quite some time, and also some issues with my balance. I have to wonder if that's the whole reason I broke my leg and tore my ACL in the first place- my balance has been TERRIBLE. After having a nerve block for my surgery, it seemed to awaken the spasms and tremors in my left leg, which has made dealing with recovery absolutely terrible. I told the orthopedic surgeon about my issue, and was assured that it happened to many people as their nerves learn how to wake up again. That didn't explain the years of issues in my hands, and the domino effect of spasms through my body.<br />
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I went to therapy last week, and have been progressing pretty well. I was given a fairly simple exercise in which I had to use my balance on one leg to bend over and touch a ball to the top of a cone. It wasn't a very complicated task, but I couldn't do it. I became so frustrated, that I spent about 20 minutes trying the task before I FINALLY made it to ten successful attempts (and that was the therapist calling number 10 "successful" because he was tired of waiting). I guess until that moment, when I was almost in tears because my brain wouldn't let my body complete a task: THAT was when it all hit me. My body doesn't do what I tell it, and it terrifies me. There are tears streaming down my cheeks as I type this paragraph.<br />
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The first thing I think of is writing, oddly enough. I have had a little bit of a hard time with typing already, and have just had to do it in small doses. But handwriting has been another issue. Since I've been out of work, I haven't had to write nearly as many notes or paperwork that I normally do, so I didn't really realize the issues until I was trying to fill out a form at a dr's office. NOT pretty. I also noticed that I used to write in journals OFTEN before bed, to get my thoughts out before sleep. There's dust on the journal, because the last time I tried to sit and write my thoughts, it took too much effort to make the words look right. That's something I really like doing, and I stopped doing it.<br />
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I don't want to sit here and complain about my life. Really, I'm not. I read a book by a woman with ALS, and she typed the entire book using the Notes program on her iPhone. She used one finger to type an ENTIRE book, and I seem like I am complaining about not being able to journal about my day's events. It's not that--I guess I am coping with the realization that something's off, and my life's not going back to normal. If essential tremor is the only diagnosis at work here, it's progressive. There's things that can help, but it doesn't mysteriously disappear. It often gets much worse.<br />
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Just looking at how I feel today, and what I have attempted to do in a fairly stress-free setting, I am seriously concerned about returning to work and back to the pace I maintain there. I am supposed to be visiting a new neurologist in the next couple of weeks, and I hope she will give me some advice on how I can maintain my independence. The major tasks haven't become a chore, but some of the fine motor things have gotten hard. Sitting and punching out paper dolls for Carly isn't really something that HAS to be done, but it is something I want to be able to do, and it's something that I don't think should take an hour to do. I want to be able to open doors and jars, and unbutton my own pants. I like the fact that I can go to the store, get the items I need, and bring them hope and put them away. I don't want to give up my independence, and I guess these changes have made me realize how important that independence is to me.<br />
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The intention of this post, I guess, is to give you a glimpse into my world. As awesome of a life that I have, with cute kids and a great supportive family, it can suck at times. There are days when I am exhausted because my muscles spent the night before hopping about, leaving me feeling like I've run a marathon. There's so much I want to do with my kids and for my kids, and it hurts me when my intentions can't meet my actions. And yes, even though life is grand right now, I am scared about the future. I am already sad that my children have had to endure a divorce, an absent father, and a mother with cancer. I really don't think they need to carry any more for a while. I think they'd like a period where everything is calm, and mommy feels good. I push through and participate in activities, and hope that my body will recover in the night. It just seems like my days of making up for things are running out, and I am now paying the price for overdoing it.<br />
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I do have hope though, and that can be a very powerful thing. I know that I am a smart and resourceful person, and I'll use my abilities and resources to get me where I need to be. I have an incredibly supportive family that tries really hard to make sure that we are taken care of, and I have friends that offer support in many different forms. I know that there are worse things that can happen in life, but honestly I also know there are better things too. I guess I just have to maintain that hope in my future, and the faith that everything will work out alright. I already have two of the coolest children that I've ever been blessed to know, so I guess I'm ahead of the game. :-)Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-76427038764091259342014-01-21T17:43:00.000-08:002014-01-22T06:38:48.325-08:00SymptomsI was thinking about life today, as I dropped the kids off to school. Since I've been home with my injury/illness, one of the pleasures I have enjoyed is getting to drop off my children for school each morning. It's sad that all of these years, I've been missing out on this simple task. There's nothing cooler than saying goodbye and love you to Alex, and getting the wink and thumbs up in return. Carly has enjoyed the car chats, but she's used to riding with me in the mornings. After dropping her off, my mind began to wander as I headed to the grocery store.<br />
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I started thinking about different people I knew, and their current life situations. I guess the beauty of having a wide friend base is that I have so many friends with so many different paths. The hard thing, though, is hearing when so many friends are hurting, or are having trouble in their lives. I thought about what would be the secret that could solve all of their hurt? If there was one major defect I could claim, it would be that I care to much about helping fix other people. Sometimes I wished it didn't matter so much to me to see people doing well.<br />
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As I turned into the Kroger parking lot, the word "symptoms" popped into my head. We all think of symptoms when we describe our ailments to the doctor. But the same thing happens with the doctor- unless she gets to the root of the problem, she will never be successful just treating the symptoms. The cause will always be there, and the pain will never go away.<br />
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I have had some severe issues with body image in the past. Apparently, somewhere down the line, I was given the idea that if I had enough control of the world around me, that everything was going to be ok. And since controlling the world was unrealistic, I could at least control what went into and on my body, right? Suffice it to say that this line of thinking will lead you down a very serious path (with consequences that go on for the rest of your life).<br />
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Now, if a doctor told me "you just need to eat more calories," or "it's mind over matter- stop exercising!" or "treat your body as a temple!" or even prescribed some medication, I doubt that was going to do any good. It was only going to take a stab at the symptoms, and wasn't addressing the real issue. I think it's funny that many people will hem and haw about their symptoms all day, but no one wants to address the big problem; you know, the one that could actually SOLVE things and help people!<br />
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So, what helped me? Talking to someone about my pain, making a plan for recovery, and realizing that I didn't have to be in control of the world around me. And more than anything: I WASN'T RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S HAPPINESS. Surely I could help them, and I love to be supportive and listen, but I can't make anyone HAPPY. I can't make anyone do anything, and that's life. And my self-worth wasn't contingent on what someone else thinks of me. Simple as that.<br />
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For a person that has an issue with relationships, the symptoms sometimes don't come from there. Sometimes that person pulls away from people around them because of lack of confidence and self-worth, or drinks too much because the tension of being alone can be too much. There are ways of coping that are healthy and strong, but unfortunately too many people learn ways that lead to self-destruction.<br />
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We follow these patterns until something wakes us up. Sometimes we are our own wake-up call, and sometimes it is because we are in a hospital, or had a DUI, or have lost everything that we loved. Sometimes there are moments in our life that come along, and their sole purpose is to shake us and make us realize what the real problem is. Because let's face it: ending up in a hospital, wrecking a car and having a DUI, or losing your family and relationships surely doesn't happen if everything's peachy.<br />
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But how do we figure out what the problem is, and then how to address it? I have a theory, but I haven't really tested it out. I think that for the most part, all problems can be boiled down into two different major issues: abandonment or lack of self-worth. Hear me out... When we break up with someone, is it the idea of losing that person, or is it the idea of being ALONE that scares us more? When a marriage ends, do we miss that person, or do we miss the status of husband, father, and all the other roles we filled in that position? We have to find a new normal, and we have to address those feelings of abandonment. Someone didn't want you, and it sucks. Yes, that oversimplified matters, but until we address it, no amount of drinking, erratic behavior or self-loathing is going to make it better. Maybe it takes a good talk in the mirror. Maybe it takes being real with the people around us, and TALKING to those we care about.<br />
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Self-loathing. I didn't address it above, because I think this deserves it's own paragraph. There are so many people that don't feel they have worth, and it makes me sad. We all have situations that happen in our lives, and how we react and respond to much of it determines what we think of ourselves in the end. I am sad to hear so many people talk about how terrible they feel about themselves. I guess I can't say I am surprised, because I used to be one of those people. And when a bad thing happened, I would be the first to ask "what did I do that caused this person to treat me this way?" Heaven forbid I realize that I have no control over how people choose to act, and no amount of self-hatred is going to make people do anything! I know that a lot of our confidence comes from our early interactions in life, and that changes in time, as we encounter the good and bad situations in life. There's nothing like a radical change in your life to shake up your security- go through a divorce (no matter how amicable), and try being easy on yourself after that! When everything that you held to be true has been questioned and changed, that is the time in our lives when we are least likely to be kind to ourselves.<br />
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So between those two issues, it's no wonder people end up in strange predicaments. Honestly, it's amazing more people don't have dependency issues, credit card debt, STDs, and court cases from erratic behavior. These issues come out because the earlier problem isn't being addressed, and sadly we wait to judge people until we see the results. Where are people when the problems are happening- why can't these people be shoulders to cry on?<br />
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I do think there needs to be more people to listen, but I am offering to be one of them. I also challenge you to be a shoulder, and to really look around at the people you love. Are they hurting, and is there something you can do to help them address the underlying problem, instead of the symptom? Sometimes there are really small actions on your part that can make a BIG difference in the lives of those you love (or even those you barely know). I also think a major part of talking about our problems is making everything less taboo. In me telling the story about my issues, I am hoping other people will open up and talk about their demons. There are struggles that so many of us have in common, and I hope and pray that among all of my friends and acquaintances, that many can be helped along on their journeys.<br />
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What is holding you back? What do you think is causing your "symptoms"?Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-42803166858092230772014-01-20T18:29:00.000-08:002014-01-20T18:29:44.474-08:00Pancakes, Biopsies, Stars, and The BridgeToday started out in a rather blah state. I have gone through night three of no sleep, so as you can imagine I am REALLY TIRED. The kids had off school for MLK holiday, so we packed a few adventures into our day.<br />
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Our first stop was really tying up loose ends. I said I hated doing it, but I guess it had to be done. So, the kids and I headed over to the park to retrieve a few of my items from my latest Boyfriend (man #12, whatever you want to call him...). The irony struck me- the fact that commitment of introducing kids was too much at this point, but they can sure as heck meet now that we are broken up and I am getting my shampoo back! Ah, I imagine that's probably a rant for another time, and I'm really not even up for it then.<br />
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So, after the kids played for a while, we headed over to the craft store to get some supplies to take to Aunt Lisa's. I had to keep explaining to Carly that we didn't have to go on a plane to Michael's, because we were going to the craft store, and not my brother's house in Washington. Trust me, there were many tears shed for that problem...<br />
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On the way to Michael's, Alex requested a song in the car. I have decided that he has the coolest taste in music, and he can usually pick things that match moods. His request: "Living on a Prayer." Ok, this time I knew he just liked this song, since we have already had to hear it in the car four times this week. Toward the end of the song, when the bridge came along, he put his finger in the air and yelled "mom!!! What's THAT called?"<br />
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I asked what he meant, and he said the part where Jon sings "you live for the fight when that's all that you've got." The bridge. I asked him what he thought those words meant. Out of the mouths of babes....<br />
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I think he's saying it's hard living like they are living, but they keep doing it because they know it will get better. And they have each other.<br />
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Well, if I die tomorrow, I will rest easy knowing my son understands classic rock ballads... He asked me what other songs had the bridge in them, and I explained that it happened in MANY songs. Luckily, the iPod was cued up and ready, so he was able to hear a variety of songs that had good examples. I am sure there are a million other examples, but my iPod only has a few thousand.<br />
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His observations:<br />
1) Apparently the 80s left a lot of guys lonely, because many of them were dealing with the loss of a woman.<br />
2) He wants to know if writing a song is how you both get a girl, AND get over breaking up with a girl. The fact that you can do both with a song confused him (and I didn't dare bring up the movie Say Anything- he'll have a trench coat in no time).<br />
3) He loves Glass Tiger, and "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone" is a new favorite...<br />
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So, it was a nice moment talking about music, and about feelings. Alex can be a bit quirky, but he can have some incredible moments of clarity. I really enjoy those moments, when everything seems to align and we have a really good conversation.<br />
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I dropped the kids off with my aunt, and went to a doctor to get some biospies. I ended up having to get three done, and right before I typed this, I stared at the gaping hole of one of them. Apparently they aren't too concerned about the lack of ANYTHING covering the wound? I think I'm going to smack a bandage on there for safe-keeping. They numbed the spots, but told me the real discomfort would kick in a few hours after, when all the numbing agent wore off. Well, I am 4.5 hours out, and I can tell you they were RIGHT.<br />
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When I left the appt, all I wanted was pancakes. I think it was just hearing the doctor say "these are the options for results, and it can be up two weeks to find out." Hearing those words AGAIN made me want pancakes. So, I headed back to retrieve the kids, and took them to IHOP.<br />
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Now the kids swear that they have never been to IHOP, and they LOVE it. Carly loves that there's a world map, and she can sign the continent and oceans song, and everyone claps for her. Alex likes that he can break out of his shell a bit and try a variety of syrups. I loved just seeing them so darn happy this evening.<br />
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I don't know if I have ever seen my children eat pancakes with that much enthusiasm. Alex CLEANED HIS PLATE. Carly even started working on part of my chocolate chip pancakes. I even had to mentally check to see if I fed them lunch, since I hadn't seen them eat like this in a long time (trust me, I had!). They thanked me profusely for taking them to eat pancakes, and made me promise that we could bring Nana and Papa here when he gets home.<br />
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Back in the car, we were FINALLY headed home after a long day. The kids fell asleep after a few minutes, and I was left to listen to music, look out the window, and think about the day. It has been one heck of a day- really one heck of a weekend. I always think better with some perspective, and perhaps this drive was giving me what I needed. I switched stations, never fully committing to a song. I was out on the bypass in Shelbyville, and I looked up at the sky.<br />
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The sky was breathtaking. I rarely see the sky so clear, and with such fantastic sparkly stars in the sky. I looked behind me, and saw that there was no one behind me. So, I veered off the road onto the shoulder, and put the car in park.<br />
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Now, I am not one to park on the side of the road for long, because I know there are odd people in the world. Of course, anyone that saw me parked probably thought it was ME that was the odd one. But I did lean against the car and soak in all of that beauty. My kids were both in a pancake-induced stupor, so they didn't even open their eyes. I thought about the extremity of emotions over the past few days, and how that always leaves me with more questions than answers. I always enjoy taking moments like this, because it really shows me that some of our trivial issues don't matter in the grand scheme of the universe. I really need to realize that sometimes, and I need to realize that life goes on no matter what I am doing.<br />
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Life has a way of continuing, no matter how stuck we may be. I thank God daily that I am aware of my life, and that I am an active participant. Sure, there may be rough days, but I like that I acknowledge my part in the grief and make steps to move on. I firmly believe that you don't realize the brilliance of the stars without the contrast of the terrifying darkness. When life is being particularly dark, the good thing is that it can point out those few twinkling stars among us, and if we are smart we will grasp hold and never let them go.<br />
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On a night like tonight, it was calming to realize that there are forces at work far more powerful than my own being. I liked feeling that everything was going to be ok, and that I could trust that life would go on despite me. Sometimes I have to realize that I think WAY too much about things, and sometimes that can be a curse. So, after a few more seconds, I hopped back in the car and drove home.<br />
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When I pulled into the driveway, I looked in the rearview mirror at my little creatures in the back seat. I knew that no matter what happened in the next twenty years, I would put my life on hold if it meant keeping them happy; I would do it in a heartbeat. I also knew that when I found the right fit, I wouldn't have to keep anything separate. Then I realized that in a couple years' time, this idea won't even be something I think about. Life will find a way of moving on, and Alex will probably be asking a lot more questions about love songs...Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-15999500047475140842014-01-17T20:45:00.002-08:002014-01-22T06:39:36.725-08:00Listen...I have thought about those moments in your life that you will always remember; I guess it's the ones that give you a strong emotional reaction. When I feel strong feelings in my body, you will bet I will remember the moment for many years to come.<br />
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There have been utterly fantastic moments that have caused those feelings, but there have also been tough times. I have always maintained that despite the rough patches, I lead an utterly awesome life. I have appreciated all the moments that have come my way, even if I didn't really enjoy them at the time.</div>
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Breakups are never easy. I don't know anyone that enjoys the process. I will say that over the years, I have had some times that I was really invested, and other times that I was rather ambivalent about breaking up with someone.</div>
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When I got a divorce, I took a long look at my life, and at who I was. I saw that I was an incredibly strong woman, but I didn't enjoy getting hurt. I don't think it was a conscious decision, but a giant wall was built around my heart. I did a really good job of letting people believe I was attached while maintaining a safe distance. I figured it would be easier to move on if I didn't have my whole life invested.</div>
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As you can imagine, this didn't do much more than buy me time. I went through a few relationships, and knew that at least part of their demise had to do with me shutting part of myself off from people. So, fairly recently, I sat myself down and had a good talk. I was over with the idea of maintaining my wall; it was time for the wall to come tumbling down.</div>
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A few months ago, I started dating someone. Everything moved pretty smoothly, and I could feel the wall starting to come down. I am a good-natured and pretty easy-going person, but I always wanted to make sure I wasn't invested so I couldn't get hurt. I thought I'd give it a try, this idea of letting my guard down.</div>
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Well, strange things happen when I let my guard down: I start to have actual feelings for people. Now this is where it gets tricky. In the grand scheme of things, it seems that we are all just meandering about, with all of our insecurities and issues, and we are waiting until we bump into someone that is at the same place we are at. This might mean that some of us aren't over past loves, some of us prefer to be stuck in our current state, or some of us don't want to take a good look in the mirror and admit what is going on in our lives. Regardless of the reasons, I know that it takes an awful lot to make two people make it work. It almost seems like the stars have to be aligned perfectly.</div>
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And a relationship is only as strong as the least-invested person. When that person doesn't really know what he wants, you can imagine how strong THAT relationship is... I think it's best at that moment to abort mission.</div>
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Doesn't mean that everything feels good though. Honestly it sucks. I think what sucks more than anything is that "told you so" moment I had, looking myself in the mirror after the phone call. I took a good long look at myself, and silently thought "see what happens when you let your guard down? How does THAT feel?" I'll tell you- it doesn't feel good.</div>
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But thankfully I am a smart woman, and I have some wits about me. I know that I am a fantastic human being, and I know I'll always land on my feet. I know there's a guy out there that is thrilled at the prospect of listening to my incredibly detailed stories, of seeing the spark that is in my eyes when I talk about my hopes and dreams, that wants to build a life and a family, and that is ready to move forward toward his goals. </div>
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There are too many "stuck" people out there, and, frankly, I am growing tired of dealing with them. You can only say the same speech so many times before you want to shake them, you know? I am excited with hope for my future, and I know that there will be amazing things that even happen in a year's time. Does tonight suck, because I had to realize that letting my guard down means getting hurt? YES. Will I get over it and move on? YES, I always do. Fortunately, regret is on my side, because I take the chances and even make the mistakes. </div>
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I feel sorry for the people that have to wonder "what if" many years later.</div>
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By then, it may be too late.</div>
Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-6851392452803683532014-01-12T16:25:00.001-08:002014-01-12T16:38:08.316-08:00Can You Really "Have It All?"I was driving to Nashville on Friday, and that gave me a lot of time to think. Probably my favorite thing to do is drive when I have decisions to make; there's something about the road that lulls my brain into the space where thoughts are lucid and come so freely.<br />
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I had just stopped by the hospital to greet a new life. My best friend, Robin, had a baby boy, and I was very eager to hold him. There's just about nothing cooler than holding a baby within twenty-four hours of the start of life. He had that nice "new baby scent," and just sat there sleeping. My favorite thing is watching them try to open their eyes and look at you; they are still figuring out how to work the muscles, which makes for some interesting expressions. I couldn't be happier for Robin, knowing that she had wanted another child for a while. While I know that my baby days are over (thankfully!), I was excited to have another baby around. I like holding them and playing with them, then going home to sleep through the night in my own house... :-)<br />
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Here's the new little man, with his whole life ahead of him... Cute stuff! :-)<br />
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Back to the drive...<br />
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I was thinking about how much my life had changed in the past few months. Thinking about surgery, some medical stuff, my job, life stresses, career paths, new relationships, and the steady calm that has started to take over where the kids are concerned. Sure, there have been hiccups, but life has been overall "decent," and that can be a really good thing.<br />
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Then I had a thought- there's a lot of good stuff that can happen in the next year, and a lot of changes I can make to ensure I am leading a calmer life of purpose. Can I really "have it all?" I hear people use that phrase, and I often wonder what that even means. Surely life can't go perfectly 100% of the time? Or maybe I am just getting a bad deal out of this, and people really do have such seamless lives?<br />
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I spent Saturday with Jason, and had an absolutely fantastic day. We started off with breakfast at Cracker Barrel, went to The Frist Center to see some art (I had NEVER been before!), stopped in at Union Station Hotel to look around (again, had NEVER been there either!), ate lunch at Olive Garden, and went to see the Predators play that evening. Even rounded out the evening eating leftover pizza and chocolate chip cookies on the couch. Seems like a lot of pretty cool stuff, but I started thinking about all of that.<br />
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And I realized...<br />
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I think for a day, I had it all. I spent a day of relaxing adventures (if that's possible) with someone I cared for. Exploring art exhibits (even if they induced vertigo), enjoying the beautiful sunshine outside, taking a Saturday afternoon nap, eating pasta, great conversation, a rousing hockey game with a couple brawls, and feeling a hand reach for my during the game. Strolling along Broadway, looking at the lights and listening to the chatter and music while headed to the car. Chatting about life while eating cookies on the couch. And falling asleep knowing that everything is going to be quite alright. Does it get any better?<br />
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I know every day isn't going to be like this. There are going to be ups and downs that happen, and that's just life. But I remember something that Robin told me a while back. I was telling her a story about something that happened to me, and I wondered aloud if this stuff happened to other people. She said...<br />
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"You can make hugging a trucker in a Walmart parking lot sound exciting. You look for magic in everyday things, and that's why you find it. It has to be a special world- what you see through your eyes."<br />
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And she's right. I'm so thankful that I am conscious of these things around me. Because I notice them; THAT'S what makes it so special. Because I see the good that can happen, and notice the little moments, the glances and winks, and the warm hand holding mine on a crisp evening. I see the magic that happens in the every day, and that probably makes typical days seem extra special.<br />
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And with that mindset, I imagine I can have it all. I feel like, for the most part, I am getting there. There's a whole lot of possibility on the horizon, and I'm pretty excited about the ride. :-)<br />
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This is how excited I look after eating a funnel cake, and knowing that I haven't covered my body in powdered sugar... I think he's excited I won't be tracking the "snow" back to his new car... ;-)<br />
<br />Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-7780683090836926292014-01-03T17:37:00.001-08:002014-01-03T17:37:37.806-08:00On Grief and LossDealing with grief and loss can be a tough subject; when we talk about grieving the death of someone, we are entertaining two realities. We have to deal with the idea that our loved one is no longer suffering, or found a peaceful way to go, but we are also looking at how our lives and roles will change now that she is gone. I have met a lot of people that have advice on the topic, but no one has really clear answers.<div>
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Last night my maternal grandmother died. She was only forty years older than me, and even though she was sick for some time, the shock still hit me. Needless to say, I had a lot of strange dreams and a fairly sleepless night. This morning I woke up and went to the doctor. I needed to get my mind off what happened, and figure out what I needed to do. When bad things happen, I like to keep busy. I'm sure it doesn't do anything else than distract me, but my nervous energy can exhaust others.</div>
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When I came home, I asked my mother if I could do something. She had pulled out a picture of my grandparents to take with her on the trip, and I remarked that I liked the old black and white photos from my grandparents' wedding better. My mother agreed, but there was a problem: the wedding photos were on the wall at the cabin (2.5 hours away)...</div>
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Sounds like a distraction for me! I put Alex in the car and told him we were going on an adventure! We headed off down the road, and it was a peaceful drive. We talked about grandma, and about death. He asked a lot of questions, and I gave fairly truthful answers. We talked about memories of me growing up with her, and things I learned from having her around. The conversation proved to be very therapeutic for me- I needed reminders of the good times.</div>
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After a while, he fell asleep. I started thinking about my life, and about the fact that her illness consumed most of my memories. She had good times, but she endured a lot of rain as well. I guess I just knew that no matter how hard it is to say goodbye, knowing there is no more rain in heaven seems like a good ending.</div>
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When I drove up to the mountain, Alex was still asleep. I had something to do before retrieving the photos...</div>
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I pulled up to the boat dock and got out of the car. I looked in the backseat, and Alex had his head resting on the door (he was OUT!). I took my phone with me into the frigid air, and walked up to the water. No one was there, because it was WINTER, and I knew I'd have some peace. I cued up "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" on the iPhone, and stared out at the water. It was so peaceful and serene, as I listened to the lyrics:</div>
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"So take the photographs and still frames in your mind,</div>
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Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time.</div>
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Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial,</div>
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For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.</div>
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It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.</div>
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I hope you had the time of your life."</div>
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I picked up a stone and attempted to skip it out into the water, but it made a giant PLOP instead. I chuckled out loud, because even I could make a peaceful moment seem awkward. I think Grandma might have appreciated the humor more than the overall gesture.</div>
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For as much rain that happened, there were good times too. I remember she taught me how to cook, and enlisted me to help make French toast every time I came to her house. That was a memory I was very conscious of when I taught Carly how to crack an egg for the first time.</div>
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And I remember reading a Mother Goose Rhymes book with her at her house. A few years ago, I stumbled across an old copy in a used bookstore in Hendersonville, TN, and squealed with delight. This is something I could pass on to the next generation.</div>
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I was talking with someone on the phone today, and he mentioned traditions, and how we lose them with each generation. He was right; that is probably the saddest part of losing someone. Sometimes the legacy isn't carried on, but sometimes there is room for new traditions. Sometimes we teach our children French toast recipes and nursery rhymes, and sometimes we invent new holiday traditions. These moments draw on the good memories and help us feel close to our family line, and to the ones we've lost.</div>
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"So make the best of this test, and don't ask why.</div>
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It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time."</div>
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Yes, I am moving backwards in the song, but it is for a reason. Part of my evolution as a human being and as a whole person involved my grandmother. I really don't need to get into details, but I can say that I started out with so many more questions than answers. While we don't want to lose people, perhaps it happened at the right time. I'm finally at the point where I have learned the lessons, and where I am at peace. I feel that is the same with a lot of family members, and maybe this is the way it needed to happen. And I will be forever grateful that my mother shared last night (hours before her mother's passing) that she had a wonderful conversation with her mother that day. Moments of closure are worth so much, and I know that this will provide my mother a lot of comfort in the days ahead.</div>
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Please say a special prayer for our family tonight. It's always hard to simultaneously entertain those two realities of the relief of suffering, and missing a family member. I brought the photos home to hand to my parents, and was thanked for my efforts. I was thankful for the opportunity to help out, but I would say the closure I received today was most valuable of all.</div>
Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-16591996704730733152014-01-01T17:52:00.001-08:002014-01-01T17:52:51.048-08:00From a tiny seed...Carly and I were riding around the Puyallup, WA area, and she was remarking how big the trees were in the area. This was true- the fantastically gigantic evergreens looked like they soared up to the sky. She asked where trees like that came from, and my response was:<br />
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"No matter how big the tree, each tree comes from a tiny little seed. Somewhere along the way, this tiny little seed was buried, nurtured, and given the space to grow, and a gigantic tree came forth."<br />
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To which she responded: "how on Earth does that happen?"<br />
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Me: "Potential. There's an amazing amount of potential in a tiny little seed. We all have the capacity for greatness already within us. And the capacity for a tree so great starts out in a tiny little seed."<br />
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I enjoy moments like that, when it seems I am having such an existential discussion with my daughter, and when I can glean some wisdom from it as well.<br />
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Lately, I've been struggling with my purpose. More specifically, I've been looking at how I can fulfill my purpose while maintaining my roles that I fill in my everyday life. This has honestly taken a lot of introspection, a lot of thought about what makes me tick and what makes me thrive, and the decision that I don't want to live in a fog. I want to experience the world around me, and feel that I am leading a balanced life.<br />
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This means I took a look back to my roots, and examined how I came into the career of teaching special education. I'm not going to lie: when I was in college, I wanted nothing more than to write books about social issues, about groups of people and grand experiments. I was making so many observations about the human condition, and I wanted to write something that would inspire great change.<br />
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But then I had to be an adult, and someone had to support the family while my ex finished school and went on to grad school. So, teaching was a logical choice, and special education had the greatest need.<br />
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Don't get me wrong; I love working with the students that I have in school. The stress level is often more than I can handle while still being healthy, but I do it because I care deeply for those children. Still, I know that given the choice, my heart is in writing and researching and exploring the world around me. I love talking with people from all walks of life, and I know there is so much wisdom in my interactions with random people.<br />
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So, while thinking about all of these things, I thought about my potential. I knew I was intelligent in school, and it seemed that I could do pretty much anything I wanted to in life. But I underestimated my potential; somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough to be a scientist, engineer, or social researcher. Somewhere along the way I decided that my dream needed to take a back seat to practicality. There aren't a lot of things I regret in life, but this is one of them. I wish that I had believed in myself enough.<br />
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Of course, that could have changed the rest of my past. I know that one decision can affect so many things, and I don't want to undo all of the good that came along with these decisions. I guess at this point, all I can do is acknowledge this dream, and try to make it a reality.<br />
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From the tiny seed of my spirit can come great things. With the nurturing soil of my mind and the light from my optimistic and loving heart, I am sure to blossom. Thirty-one years old is not too old to decide that I am still destined for greatness.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-84320354228293729632013-12-30T18:33:00.001-08:002013-12-30T18:34:14.431-08:00In the EndIt's not that I haven't wanted to write; it just seems that I have spent a lot of time doing other things lately. While talking with my friend Robin today, I realized that I had committed to a plan two years ago on this date (that's how the project of 15 Before 30 got started). So, no matter how sleepy I am from travel, it's time to start writing...<br />
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I wrote this list of things to do before I turned 40, because I knew they would take a while, and I knew there was significance for each item to play a major part in my life. My 30's are a time of settling down, of reaching goals, and also of exploring and appreciating the world around me. I have always wanted to live a life of balance, but I feel more than ever that I need to find this balance in my life.<br />
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In the middle of December, I started feeling strange. I just felt TIRED all the time (I still do, really). I went to have a scan done by my dr (long story, but he was convinced I had another tumor), and they tried for almost an hour to complete the test. For some reason, my body was clotting the blood on contact, making the injection nearly impossible. When they went to change the needle, they pulled massive clots out. I thought I was dying, and wondered what on earth was happening to me.<br />
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So, I headed to my primary doctor and talked with her. She agreed to run blood work, and checked me over. I told her I was by no means depressed, but I felt VERY exhausted at this point. She said we'd find out the results the next day. I went home, and promptly went to bed.<br />
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I woke up the next morning, and I'll never forget the feeling. It was like my brain had no connection with my body. I had to go to the bathroom, but my brain wouldn't tell my body to get up and go. I felt spacey (what I imagine being stoned is like), and my face was tingly. I had a headache that hadn't gone away for a week at that point, so that was also nagging at me. When I went to speak to my son, I realized my speech was really slow.<br />
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I did what any logical level-headed person does when feeling this bad: I called the guy I've been dating (at work), and cried to him. Yeah, that was pretty uncharacteristic of me, so I'm guessing I felt BAD. I decided to go to the doctor and get looked at. My mother came home from work and drove me, because a shower almost did me in. When I arrived, the doctor took one look at me and sent me to the hospital. She noted that my left pupil wasn't dilating like it should, and my face numbness and weakness was concerning her. She was afraid I was having a stroke, and wanted imaging IMMEDIATELY.<br />
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Well, insurance can be a pain. I was sent for CT and CT-A scans, but insurance said they wanted four hours to review my file. I could be dead at that point, so my doctor told me to travel to Murfreesboro and go to the ER. That way, they could run the tests in less time, and potentially save my life. So, we took the trek up there, and sat for the evening.<br />
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I can say nothing but good things about the hospital in Murfreesboro. As soon as I came in, they already knew my situation (my doc had called ahead). I was processed quickly, and was hooked up to an EKG and had blood work within 10 minutes of arriving. They were really working hard to assess me quickly, and even had meds for pain and nausea within a pretty quick time. I started to feel better once I was there, but was still incredibly tired. I was also concerned about flying at this point (I would fly cross-country two days later).<br />
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I was told that what I had was a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA), and it is otherwise referred to as a mini-stroke. Pretty much, blood flow was interrupted temporarily to the brain, which gave me all of those effects. I was put on aspirin to thin my blood, and told to rest, relax, and drink plenty of fluids. I was also told to see a neurologist SOON. There's a pretty decent risk of impending stroke if I do nothing, so that was a good wake-up call to evaluate life, and realize that I had a lot of control over the stress I was letting in my world.<br />
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So, as I sit here today, I am thinking about what it will take it get my life into balance. I take on too much stress of the life around me, and I know it will kill me. I've always been a kind, compassionate and hard-working person, and those traits can do a lot of harm if they aren't cultivated in the right setting.<br />
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I want to go back to school. I know I am already in the program, but I had to stop when the cancer arrived. I want to get back to learning about what I really enjoy, and finding a way to help people around me.<br />
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I want to look at how my skills can be matched with the world around me to leave me fulfilled. I know I am thirty-one and saying this, but I guess it's better than waking up miserable when I am 40 or 50. I know that I don't have to be happy every minute of my life, but I also know that I need to feel content, and I don't need to go on nerve pills just to exist.<br />
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I am enjoying the relationships and friendships around me, and I'd like to take time to cultivate those. I really love that I have three good female friends that I can lean on, and I enjoy a relaxed relationship with Jason. I like where I am at during this time, but I'd like to make sure I can keep these things going. I know that takes work and attention, but it's worth the time and effort for the great results.<br />
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I also need to complete a task off of my list. I was sitting here today, thinking about all of the projects, and about my life in general. It's been a pretty rocky 2013 for me, and I can't wait to push it out and welcome 2014. I decided my first project to be completed soon will be going to see the Before I Die Wall in New Orleans. I had come across this place and the idea of the trip in 2011, and have tabled the idea for two years. It's time for the project to continue, and I honestly can't think of a better place to go to get inspiration for how to live a life of balance, and to appreciate each moment. Once our travel plans are complete, I'll let you know the plan! :-)<br />
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I'll be spending a low-key New Year's Eve with someone special, so I won't be making a post before the end of the year. But I will be thinking about this project, and about making these changes in my life. If 2013 was the year of catastrophe, then 2014 can be the year of metamorphosis. Carly asked if humans go through metamorphosis like butterflies, and my response was "most definitely!" My explanation was a bit over her head, but I appreciated getting to tell my daughter that amazing things happen when the body goes through stresses and traumas to grow. We all change and evolve, and it's amazing to see how those past transgressions shape our current beings. 2014 will be a year of spreading my wings.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-23774527274897582013-12-12T08:20:00.003-08:002013-12-12T08:21:34.353-08:00Been a Long Time, Stranger...<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The thought occurred to me last night that it has been a while since I've been writing on here. When I looked at the blog, I realized just how long (and I think I cried a little). Why has it taken me so long, and why have I had a hard time thinking about what to write? Get ready, you are about to read a flood of thoughts...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As you probably read, I had thyroid cancer in the spring, and treatment in May. I was home for a week-and-a-half, then went on to teach summer school. By the time July rolled around, I was TIRED. Seems the idea of working full-time through the surgery, withdrawal of meds, and even with the treatment was catching up to me. I just wanted a break, so this was a logical time to schedule for both kids to have their tonsils out.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yes, BOTH kids, on the SAME morning. When I scheduled the appointment, I wasn't aware that my mother would be traveling with my father to China during that time, or I would have rethought my strategy. Needless to say, those few days post-surgery were ROUGH on all of us. I was thrilled when they finally started feeling better. By then, it was time for school to begin.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I started teaching elementary special education in Coffee County schools. I was the Math Resource teacher, and I was enjoying working with younger students again. I missed the enthusiasm and love that occurs in an elementary setting. I enjoy being greeted each morning with a dozen or more hugs. My heart was happy!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The day I returned back to work from Fall Break, I stepped in a dip in a store parking lot. It wasn't enough to cause anyone else harm, but I heard a loud crack. It hurt a little, but not enough to make me miserable (or so I thought). So, I walked on it and did all of my work duties for a few days. By Wednesday, I was MISERABLE. The doctor talked to me and looked at the x-ray. He smirked and said "well, I imagine it WOULD hurt- it's broken!" He wasn't sure what other damage occurred in my leg, so he wanted scans. I'm going to make a long story short for you: I ended up with surgery a week later, and have been out of work going through rehab and dealing with discomfort. I ended up with an ACL reconstruction, and they cleaned up a lot of other damage in my knee. The good news is when all of this healing is finally complete, I'll have a fantastic new knee. But for right now, it's been a struggle.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">For people that know me, you can imagine how hard it is for me to be stuck at home most of the time. I am a people person, and like talking to even strangers I meet. The greatest challenge of all of this has been in making sure I get out and communicate with people, even if it's for short stretches of time. I don't want to cut myself off from the world just because I am uncomfortable. That's the recipe for a disaster.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">That brings me up to mid-December, and I can say with 100% certainty that I am THRILLED for 2013 to be almost over! I am convinced that next year will be much better, and I will be able to move forward with many different endeavors. My leg will be further along healing, I got news from a scan a few weeks ago that I am cancer-free, and I've had some time to put a few life issues in perspective. I do want to comment on this project (the purpose of this new blog), but I'll save it for the next post.</span></div>
Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-74291777778938134922013-07-19T12:50:00.000-07:002013-07-19T12:50:14.463-07:00Making Changes<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Everyone makes goals, and some people accomplish them. I could be hard on myself, and think about all the times I've stopped working toward a goal. I will give myself some credit, and realize how many times I've set my mind to a goal, and got there! </span><div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">That being said, so many things have happened in the past seven months. I've gotten a bit off track, but I guess cancer is as good a reason as any to get off track. With thyroid cancer, the whole body is affected. I will take a moment to describe the thyroid and cancer, before moving on with my changes:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The thyroid has a lot of really important functions for the body. I did not really know this until I was left without one! The thyroid is in charge of metabolism, heart rate, body temperature, and other hormone regulation. When a person doesn't have a thyroid, they take a pill (like Synthroid) for the rest of her life. Without a thyroid or medication, a person will die in about six weeks.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In preparation for the radioactive iodine (RAI) treatment at the end of May, I had to go off Synthroid for five weeks. The goal is to starve the body of thyroid hormone, so that when the radioactive iodine is introduced, the body will suck up the iodine and try to convert it to hormone.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">By the time I made it to the RAI date, I was barely alive. At the end of May, Tennessee is smoldering. I was still wearing a fleece coat every day, and was chilly. I was always sleepy, and if I sat in one place too long, I would fall asleep. It was an effort to make it through the day. My doctor was mystified when I told him I worked until the day before treatment, and I wondered how I even drove myself to the cabin after I took the RAI pill. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My primary concern throughout this process was to get rid of cancer. My second concern (I'm almost ashamed to admit) was that I would gain back the weight I had lost when I moved to having zero metabolism. It's sad that this would be such a concern, but as a person that dealt with such issues with weight, and after losing 115 pounds, I was determined to keep off the weight.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Luckily the low-iodine diet that I had to eat for a few weeks before treatment (and a few days after) helped to keep me from packing on the pounds. When you have to make everything from scratch, can't eat dairy, and limit a lot of high-calorie items, the weight doesn't seem to be as much of a problem. From the moment I had my surgery until I took the RAI pill, I gained two pounds (YAY!!).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Once I took the pill, I had to go into hiding for a week. My children were at risk of damage to their thyroids if they were around me for the first few days, and if they had prolonged contact for days after that. We thought the safest idea was to let me be alone. I slept twenty hours a day, drank a lot of water, and watched movies. Nothing tasted right once I was able to eat normal food again (anything with tomatoes or carbonation tasted like poison, and nothing had a real flavor). I also had nasal and mouth sores, so that kept me from eating unless I had to. Fortunately, I guess, my weight leveled out and the two pounds were gone.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I started feeling decent around the beginning of July, but lacked the energy to make it through the day. My doctor added Cytomel (T3 med) when I was told to go back on Synthroid, and I credit this addition to helping me more than anything. I read that many people function much better with this addition than with simply increasing the Synthroid (I am now at 150 mcg).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My taste also returned around the end of June, though some things are still a bit off. I was able to eat again, but I wasn't able to make it through a normal day of activity (which is what burns calories). Unfortunately, six pounds creeped back on.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Six doesn't seem like much, but for a person that lost a lot, it could all come back starting with six. This morning I woke up, and realized today was the beginning of the change. It was time for me to get things arranged so I could feel better, get healthier, and lose the weight to get to where I need to be. The reality is that I am about 30 pounds from my goal weight, and that isn't far. The stress of dealing with testing for recurring cancer is also getting to me, and at least this is something I can control!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, today, July 18th, is the first day of this change. I don't want to be hard on myself, but I do have to have some accountability. That being said, I've come up with a few goals I want to keep track of:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">1. I will report progress online three times a week. (I know it's unrealistic with my energy level to report daily. I will, however, keep a log of my progress daily.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">2. I will drink at least 10 glasses of water daily. (I have always found this to be the most important goal in feeling well, keeping yuckiness away, and losing weight. Water is important!!)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">3. I will plan my meals the night before, so there are no surprises. I will also allow myself two meals a week to relax a bit (but not go overboard!). Everyone is different, but I know I do best when I am following a plan. And it always helps to plan ahead, so I know I am actually eating. I have a bad habit of realizing I haven't eaten anything at 1pm (because I have to wait an hour after Synthroid to eat).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">4. I will experiment and try some new recipes and meals. The key to sticking to something is not getting into a rut. I need to broaden my tastes anyway, so this will be a good goal!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">5. Increase my activity!! I am going to log 150 minutes of activity a week. This is only 30 minutes a day, 5 times a week. It can be anything- walking, riding the bike and watching a show, taking a run, or doing some heavy yard work. Anything that gets me moving!! I will worry about refining my workout goals later. For now, I just want to move!!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I know that 30 pounds is a pretty significant amount of weight, but it can definitely be done. Increasing my activity and watching what I eat should do well to help me along my goal. I'd like to see myself reach the goal by the end of the year (December 31, 2013), if no more major hiccups come along. That's a steady goal of about 6 pounds a month, meaning 1.5 pounds a week. Being that this goal runs through the holiday season, I will have to be extra vigilant. The advantage, I guess, is that I will be losing or maintaining during that season, instead of gaining like everyone else!! :-)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'll keep you updated on my progress. I know that healthy eating, activity, and taking time to reflect will only help my lifestyle. Stress can no longer take over my life, and these changes will hopefully put me on the right track!</span></div>
Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-27993637946832778112013-06-20T16:49:00.001-07:002013-06-20T16:49:53.612-07:00Finally... An Update...<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I realize I disappeared for over a month. I guess there was a good reason...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I didn't turn on my laptop for just about that much time. And when I don't turn on the computer, I rarely type. I even realized that I wasn't answering text messages like I normally do.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was severely hypothyroid, in preparation for the Radioactive Iodine treatment on May 24th. I had to go off the medication for 5 weeks, which means without a thyroid, I was bottoming out. And honestly, I don't really even remember the drive to the treatment, or part of the days afterward.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I knew I had to be away from the children for a week, because they couldn't be exposed to the radiation that was coming out of my body. So, my parents took care of the children while I hid out in the cabin. Like I said, there are holes in my memory, because I was running on empty. What I do remember?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I remember showing up to the hospital to receive treatment, reading ten pages of forms and signing my life away, then being handed a tiny capsule to swallow. I thought to myself, "this is IT?" then I was pushed out the door to start my drive to the cabin.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Actually, my endocrinologist quoted Eddie Murphy from a movie, THEN pushed me out the door to get down the road. And he warned me not to throw up in the car or on the side of the road, because that would be a nuclear accident. Fantastic...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I slept for about 19-21 hours of the first three days. I knew I was overtired, and I was in the darkest room for sleeping. It was a good thing that I had slept so much, but I was also worried that I wasn't monitoring myself like I would like. I knew I was alone in this, so I at least had to be aware if something was wrong.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">After a few days, I was going stir-crazy. A few friends had wondered how it would work out: an extrovert like me being stuck in the woods alone for a week. I could be around people on day 4, I just couldn't be around little kids for extended periods. So, I went for drives, stopped in little shops for short periods, and twiddled my thumbs until I could go home again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I did have a few adventures along the way. I scoured my favorite used bookstore (McKay), and found some books to read for the remainder of my stay. I picked up a natural living newspaper, found an ad for a pizza place, and decided to go visit.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The experience? I came into Lupi's, marveled at the tree sculptures and psychedelic twinkling lights on the ceiling, and decided to try something different. It was definitely something out of the norm for me, and I decided to embrace the experience. My taste was also altered because of the medication, and so I wondered what would even taste normal.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The whole experience was anything but normal. It was a good experience, don't get me wrong. It was some of the best pizza I'd ever had. But listening to a man from suspected Polynesian descent belt out the lyrics to an old Elton John love duet under a disco ball, while twirling pizza dough.... This wasn't my typical pizza experience. I wondered if the medication was changing my perception, and then I realized I always notice stuff like this. I sent a message to my friend Robin, telling her briefly of the experience. Her response: "I'd love to see the world through your eyes. Even these brief glimpses are a treasure." I love that my life amuses her...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I hate malls. I can't stand how everyone is darting around in different directions, and it seems that people believe their agenda is the most important. Heaven forbid I get in the way of a lady trying to get to a Hollister sale. Nevertheless, I missed seeing people and I needed to go look at something. So the final two days, I spent my hours wandering around the mall looking at things. Actually, the mall is a pretty decent place in May- there's no real rush for anything.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I finally got to return home, and was thrilled to see the kids. I was also being watched because my calcium levels were still dipping. At this point, the doctor started to wonder what was going on. I was under a lot of stress, which doesn't help calcium levels at all. So, I had to start going to get blood work again, and we started to wonder what was going on with my body. My parathyroid glands were looking great, so this left some confusion about my body. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I looked pretty good, considering I was going through cancer treatment. Still, I felt miserable. I had sores down the inside of my nose and throat, my tongue was swollen, and my neck was tender. I couldn't taste food, and some food even tasted poisonous. I was incredibly tired because I had just started back on thyroid hormone medications, and it would take a while to get back to normal.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So, I did what any normal human being would do... I started teaching summer school. Through all of this, I have to remember I am a single parent and the one that is ultimately responsible for the care of the kids. So, I take any opportunity to build up additional income, knowing they are getting their tonsils out in July, and I will be the parent that has to pay for the surgery up front (and wonder if I will receive half back...). Summer school only has one week left, so I guess we could say I survived. I could make it through the days better if I wasn't so TIRED. I wake up exhausted, and spend twenty minutes mentally preparing myself to get out of bed. I know that in a few more weeks, my thyroid hormone will be back to normal and I will feel like living again. I can't even imagine how nice it will be to feel normal. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I'll make an effort to catch up more at a later point (but soon, I promise!). I guess even typing and trying to remember things can wear me out. I have a lot of thoughts I wrote down in journals or on post-its during the past few months. Once I get a chance to convert them to normal human language, I'll make sure I update this post. :-)</span>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-49587284395901155372013-05-10T18:59:00.000-07:002013-05-10T18:59:00.836-07:00Mother's Day<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I remember the projects we would make in school for Mother's Day- the handprints that we would morph into flowers, hearts, or some jungle animal. We would make cards where we would guess our mother's age, tell her how much we loved her, and list our favorite things about her. We'd make a craft or little token to attach to the card, and mothers' faces would beam as they opened our handmade gifts.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Over the years, I came to realize what it really took to be a mother. I knew that they would be the parent to get up in the night when I was sick, and my mother always made my lunches, listened to my worries, and made sure my hair looked nice for picture day (and every day). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">But I didn't understand the REAL scope of being a mother until I actually became one. I remember waddling into church on the Mother's Day before I had Alex (only a few days before I went in the hospital). I remember being MISERABLE, and knowing this all needed to end soon. I remember my exhusband handing me a gift, but saying something along the lines of "even though you aren't a mother yet..."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was confused: what the heck was I doing? I guess I was just hanging out in physical agony, waiting to finally be a mom. I surely wasn't up fifteen times a night either in the bathroom or groaning from heartburn... I wasn't waddling down halls physically LIFTING my belly because the pressure was separating my pelvic ligaments. I wasn't seeing spots and having headaches because I was "pretending to be a mom." That pregnancy earned my Mom status from the very beginning... From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I worried constantly about the well-being of my child. And this hasn't ended, even as he (almost six years-old) sits next to me while I type.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Being a mother is a neat thing: we have a chance to care for, support, and encourage our children in all facets of their lives. Don't get me wrong- I'd like to go to the bathroom in peace or even read a book every now and then. But I wouldn't trade the fact that my children WANT me involved in their life. I like that I am able to be there for all major moments of their lives.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">What makes it hard is that I am a single parent. It's tough when I am the sole parent, and I am currently running low on energy. I am remembering back to about 1.5 years ago, when I was balancing working and raising two kids. I remember how Carly was 2.5 years old, and was having a hard time sleeping through the night (ears were causing night SCREAMING). I remember collapsing into my office chair at school in between classes, and wondered if I could fall asleep instantly. I was running on empty, and I wondered how single mothers did it when they didn't even have a support system. I was grateful that I had my parents around to help me raise the kids, and I felt really bad for those women that are really going it alone.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Now that the kids are 4 and almost-six, I realize they require a lot less energy. This is good, because I now have a whole lot less energy to give. I am three weeks into no thyroid hormones, and still have two weeks to go. I feel like a snail, and snails don't raise human babies! There's a reason!!! I try to put on a brave face and suck it up, but inside I am DYING. For example, I want to review my week for a moment (before I start my guilt-trip, which I am entitled to):</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">On Monday, I worked all day. Then, I took an end-of-course test to a homebound student, and sat while she took the test (which was untimed). Afterward, I headed home and got to the house as everyone was eating dinner. Thankfully, I had a little time to eat, check homework and get kids ready for bed.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">On Tuesday, I worked all day as well (including hosting some meetings- prep work for that!). At the end of the work day, I flew out of school and headed to pick up kids, change clothes, get pizzas, and head BACK to school to host an honor society end-of-the-year picnic. I stayed at the school pretty late, then got the kids home in time to give them baths and head to bed. I crashed without doing any more work at home.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">On Wednesday, I worked all day, then headed BACK out to homebound to give another EOC test. I felt like I was there FOREVER (because it was untimed!). I got home in time to eat with the kids, then did spend a little bit of time with them. I was grateful to see them, but I was also EXHAUSTED at this point. I wondered how on earth I was supposed to make it through the rest of the week...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">On Thursday, I headed to work at 6:55am, and came back home at 9:25pm. After working all day, I gave the FINAL EOC test, then did drive home quickly to recurl my hair, move laundry, lay out pajamas, and kiss the kids (since I wouldn't see them that night!). I got back in time for the awards banquet, stayed until after 9pm, then headed home to fall asleep as quickly as I could to wake up at 5am and repeat...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Except last night, I spent the entire night sick. Which made Friday morning MISERABLE... And I did make it through today, but BARELY.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I am not listing my schedule to show off anything, or as a guilt-trip on anyone else other than myself. I am honestly surprised I am capable of such a schedule. I am also wondering what the heck I am thinking?!?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Someone out there is probably wondering "why are you teaching homebound while sick?" Well, the short answer is "when I have to pay bills, the companies don't care that I am sick, and they really don't care that I am STILL not receiving my full child support..." So, instead of working abbreviated days (which would be smart with my physical state), I am working OVERTIME. I know hospital bills will add up, and continue to add up as both children have surgery in July. So, I take the work as it's offered.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The guilt trip? It's on me. I felt absolutely TERRIBLE I didn't see my kids much this week. I know this is not a normal week, but I also felt like I missed a lot of important things. It's hard enough when there's only one parent- it's pretty bad when the one parent is trying to see them at least once a day. On Thursday, I was asking my boss how long he thought the awards dinner would last. He told me, and I said "that's fine- I just wanted to know if I should tell my mom I won't be able to tuck the kids in." He made a sad face at that response, and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. It really sucks to do this alone sometimes...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">It feels a bit different in light of the cancer, and all that's come along with it. Whereas I would normally feel exhausted, and try to keep positive about the fact that one day they will grow up and leave and I will miss them... Now, I feel a bit guilty, because I know they will have normal days, and no matter how I feel I try so hard to appreciate them, to leave them with good experiences, and to make everything ok, because heaven forbid something happens- I wouldn't want them remembering when I lost my temper!! Balancing all of this has really just left me drained...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The truth is, I love my children more than anything. They are the whole reason I am keeping on. Honestly, after all that's happened, I would have thrown in the towel long ago. They keep me going, because if nothing else- I need to make money to take care of them! But it's not just that- I know I want to show them that there are low points in life, and that we just need to push on until we get out of those spots. And right now, I am trying my best to show them a good example. If I didn't have to be an example, I'd happily pull the covers over my head and try again tomorrow.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I remember the Mother's Day after Carly was born. I had spent five days in the hospital following Carly's birth. After spending a night at home, we packed up the goods, and I went to stay with my parents (along with Alex) for a few days. I stayed there for a little bit, and moved back to the apartment in time to spend Mother's Day with my ex's family. Carly's pregnancy brought serious complications as well, and I was still trying to recover (along with parenting a two year-old, and doing a lot of this by myself). I was grateful for my mother, who was trying to continue working while getting up with the baby through the night while I stayed with her. And my sister-in-law Alli would come over and help with the little ones so I could try to nap.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So, when Mother's Day rolled around, I remember riding with Chris to go visit his family. He stopped to get gifts for the mothers in the family. He pulled out two giant vases of roses for his mother and grandmother. He handed me a small vase of tulips- because I didn't like roses... I was beginning to see a trend about his opinion of what I was actually doing here...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And maybe that's where my confusion about Mother's Day comes about. I am not playing the blame game, but I believe anyone would start to wonder when things like this kept coming up. I know it's not about recognition from a spouse or other adults, but that is KINDA the deal. Especially when this woman is the REASON for the children.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And this is why I am so thankful my children are at an age where they tell me every day that they love me. I know they do love me, but there is something about hearing those affirming words- and saying them as well. They are good for the soul, and make every day feel like Mother's Day. Even when I am out of energy. Even when I feel guilty about balancing work, school, daily obligations, and family. Even when I wonder what the future holds. Even when I wonder how much fight I have left to give- they are there to whisper "I love you's" in the night.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And that will forever be the greatest gift I could ever receive- Mother's Day, and every day.</span>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-60206173417258029662013-05-08T18:39:00.002-07:002013-05-08T18:39:57.061-07:00Graduation<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I sat here tonight and stared at the computer screen. I told myself I would be done with this project by last night, so I could give the seniors their gifts at the picnic. Yesterday came and went, and I tried to give myself an excuse ("I'm exhausted" has been the latest one, because it's mostly true!). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The reality is that I didn't do anything, because I didn't know what to write. Or rather, I didn't know if I should be truthful to them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">My idea was to give them a journal to record the next year of their life, and I would write them a letter in the front. But how do you write a touching and sentimental letter without sounding like a total sap, without making them cry, and without throwing in the "I've seen what's really important, and trust me- a lot of what you think is important isn't!!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I want them to get out there and make their own lives, and I want them to take the chances and make the mistakes. That's where memories come from! If life goes perfectly as planned, there aren't a lot of great stories to share with others. Still, I was a bit guarded about what I needed to write. I took a moment to think about my high school graduation (which took forever, because no one warned ME to write things down!).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I told my mother after remembering, that I had a frontal lobe that developed way before everyone else. Her response: "you and your frontal lobe..." I love my mother, and the fact that she laughs at my response. The reality is I couldn't remember much about graduation, because I guess I knew there would be more important moments in my life. I remember that I wore my ruby slippers to the ceremony (when the rule was to wear black dress shoes). I remember that the picture of me shaking the principal and superintendent's hands while receiving my diploma feature their disdainful looks while looking down at my shoes. :-) I remember realizing that college was a reality, because there was no more high school left for me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So I guess I felt doom. Expectations were out there, and I wondered if I could hack it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">No one told me to LIVE THEN. They told me to get out there, set goals, reach them, and have a great life. They didn't warn me that life was happening while I was trying to REACH the goals! No one warned me that whether I went to college for one month or ten years, that life was still going to happen; and that many of the things that happened to me were chance. And no one told me how bad regret would feel--how when I really took a good look back at that time of my life, I regretted not taking more chances. I was too terrified of failure- that the balls I was juggling would come tumbling down if I didn't keep up the pace.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Well, guess what? They came tumbling down. And I turned out just fine. And then I realized that, if anything, I wanted to warn the people that came after me. To let them know that it's ok to have big dreams, that they can achieve them, but that they need to include fun and experience along the way.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And without sounding like some downer or an overly spiritual person (in light of my current situation), I wanted to let them know that they shouldn't plan to live to be 100. Because they might stare in the mirror at age 30, and wonder how (and if) the next year will turn out. And then they will REALLY regret all of these chances they didn't take. And the retirement account they tried to create, or the savings for "when I live my life" won't really matter. And THEN, they'll wish someone told them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So, my gift to these students? Yes, it's a journal and a letter. But really, it's a challenge. A challenge to get out there in the world and LIVE in it. To take risks, to make memories, and to record them. I don't want them to fear the world around them, and I want them to get out and explore every piece of it they can. And what happens if they fail? At least there's a story to tell. Heck, some of my best stories were from my failures. And I wanted them to know they don't need to be afraid to love. These really are my two big things I want to leave behind in this world, and a good start is in 30 journals to new adults.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Graduation is a cool thing in the metamorphosis of life; it symbolizes both an ending, and a new beginning. I guess everything is cyclical, but there are few great moments that are publicly celebrated as both. For us introspective folks, we can always see this reality. For new graduates, I imagine this duality is terrifying. I know great change is only scary when people focus on failure. When we see all the opportunity, and aren't afraid to fail, that is when we LIVE.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I also brought up my list I created, and how I have really lived more in the past two-three years than I did my whole life before then. I don't want them to feel the same way- I want their lives to start now. I can't control the future, but I can inspire it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Last night we had the picnic of the National Honor Society, and all of the attendants were seniors. One member asked me, "is your treatment after graduation?" Earlier yesterday, I had the doctor call to try to schedule my treatment to start on graduation day. I know it sounded trivial to him, but I told him I couldn't miss graduation for treatment. I wanted to say goodbye before I moved on. And I have a feeling this student was feeling the same way.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I know that I have every possibility of making it through this treatment with little after-effect, and going on to live a relatively normal life. I also know there's a possibility of recurrence, or that my body will never be the same after treatment (that's the risk I had to weigh). And I know it was these thoughts that made it hard to write the letter. I tried not to capture the urgency of my final words, or something crazy like that. I wanted a message of hope, and something to inspire them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Not something to remember me by.... I'll leave my manifesto for that. ;-)</span>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-56149662499683643502013-04-29T17:41:00.001-07:002013-04-29T17:41:21.080-07:00Yes, I'm Quoting Sartre and Bon Jovi Together...<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">In Jean-Paul Sartre's work, <i>Existentialism is a Humanism</i>, I found the words: </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> <b> "...man first of all exists, encounters himself, surges up in the world – and defines himself afterwards."</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Take a good minute or two and let that sink in.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And my friend, John Bon Jovi mentioned something of similar lines...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> <b>"you live for the fight when that's all that you've got."</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Yes, I just compared Sartre in a roundabout way to Bon Jovi. I feel like if I explain, I will weaken my association. But, to keep from being called crazy, here goes...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was thinking yesterday about how I existed all of these years, but only really LIVED for the past two. I know I can dig up all sorts of quotes on finding myself and taking risks, but that's not really the point. I have been around for thirty years, there's no doubt. It's these constant encounters with myself--the grit and glitter that I am made of-- this is when I finally figure out what defines me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I am not saying I felt this inspirational all weekend. In fact, I had a HARD time. The exhaustion is setting in, and I have moments where I want to sob. I am so tired of being so tired, and extremely exhausted from keeping all the plates spinning in the air. </span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">"This is the good type of cancer to have."</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">"There's a great chance of no recurrence."</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">"If you can be sick, this is what you would want."</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Excuse me, but who the hell says this stuff?!?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I know people are trying to be comforting in their own strange way, but I don't tell a person in a wheelchair "at least you don't have your legs chopped off!" And I don't tell people with disfiguring scars from catastrophic events, "at least you are still alive."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Because I know that these words are ridiculous, and don't validate the pain they feel. It also doesn't validate the struggle they are enduring, and maybe this is me entering the "angry" phase of grief.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And this is where Bon Jovi comforted me, this morning while getting ready for work. They were on the rotation for Shower Music, and I took a good look in the mirror when I heard the words "you live for the fight when that's all that you've got."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And that's exactly how I am feeling right now. I am in this because I have nothing left. And as my friend pointed out very bluntly today... "it's better than the alternative..."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And I wanted to hug her, and thank her for not sugar-coating it. :-)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I have thought a lot about my purpose in life, about why I was sent here and what I am supposed to do before I leave. I am not saying I am getting all my affairs in order, but I do want to make my moments with people count. Heck, none of us knows when our time is over. I just got a bigger jolt of this reality.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Right now, I feel like these strange and terrible events in my life have been my "surging up in the world." Each event, both during and after the encounter, defines me. I guess I'd like to think that my grief and struggle are forming me into a tough cookie. But not too tough--when you see the world, and all of it's beauty, and wonder how many more sunrises you will see in your life, I dare you not to shed a tear.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was talking to a student the other day about the speech she will be giving at the Awards Night, as well as at graduation. I told her about a song that came out around graduation time when I graduated high school. It was entitled, "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen." If you haven't heard it, it was written based on a speech to a graduating class, and it gave all the wisdom one older person wanted to share with the youth. I have attached a clip below:</span><br />
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<a href="http://youtu.be/sTJ7AzBIJoI" target="_blank">http://youtu.be/sTJ7AzBIJoI</a> <br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I have always known that I wanted to teach two things to my students--first, to encourage them to take risks and go out and find things they are passionate about. The second thing is to not be afraid to love people around you, and tell them how you feel. People are so ready to tell people negative things, and to crush dreams of those around them. There aren't many people out there that are itching to take risks, make mistakes, and love the people around them without fear of being hurt.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">After watching the video, and reminiscing of my youth, I decided I wanted to write something to my seniors (and juniors really, because they need to hear this). These students have been with me for almost two years, and I hope they've learned SOMETHING through their time with me. Graduating high school is quite a big deal--it's the start of opportunities, risks, and LIFE. I kind of feel like I am sitting on the other side, thirteen years later, looking back and seeing what really mattered.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So, my project for the next week is to write my words of wisdom. Will they listen to it all? I hope that it strikes a nerve with them, or at least that it's something they tuck away for later (to see if I was right!). Regardless, now is the time to tell them how fantastic they are, how much possibility lies before them, and that most of the mistakes they make really won't matter in the end.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">It seemed like a daunting task, but then I thought to myself:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">"If I can bring Bon Jovi and Sartre together, I think I can handle this..."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">:-)</span>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-86590493605399151372013-04-23T19:02:00.002-07:002013-04-23T19:03:22.003-07:00Almost Three Weeks<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I guess I wrote the title out of exasperation...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">It's been almost three weeks since my surgery, and since my life has been turned upside-down. I was told it would be 7-14 days before I felt like returning to work, but that was before they uncovered the cancer diagnosis, and started me on all this other plan.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">From the surgery, I can say that my scar has healed VERY nicely! This picture was taken this past Sunday, which was 17 days post-surgery.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEj74QjeH2KeugYbGRadp5o0o0-yHUDpkU84wGfjeOgSU999Yb5Rg928Rea11F2BsRumUYbLI2yubrF1QI4B9W__ArObCG5aaPqOd43Cg-_PmcEJ8jwaufLdRcwcqcSFeV0lQu9BawAH4/s1600/post+surgery+pic.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEj74QjeH2KeugYbGRadp5o0o0-yHUDpkU84wGfjeOgSU999Yb5Rg928Rea11F2BsRumUYbLI2yubrF1QI4B9W__ArObCG5aaPqOd43Cg-_PmcEJ8jwaufLdRcwcqcSFeV0lQu9BawAH4/s320/post+surgery+pic.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Calcium Update: It seems that my body just doesn't want to get normal with the calcium! I have had the hardest time regulating it. We've had it go up, then shoot back down twice. That was even while I was INCREASING the amount of calcium supplements. I hope I have some relief soon- the twitching and muscle cramps are wearing me out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The thyroid hormones were stopped yesterday, and I am really hoping that the yucky feeling I was having today wasn't my hormones already giving me trouble. I was supposed to get at least a few days of calm before the storm. I try to relax and realize that everyone is different, but the general consensus is that this will be a ROUGH period. I will be extremely tired, I will have muscle and body aches, I will be foggy and forgetful, and I will probably be moody. I hate it, because I know that I don't deserve to be tired and miserable, and the people around me don't deserve to hear me gripe. In a perfect world, I would be able to disappear for part of the time to stay out of people's hair. In the next few weeks, if you encounter me, consider giving me a hug or doing something nice like that. Chances are, I'll need it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Work: I love my job, and I usually like the end of the year. This is the chance to do some fun things with the kids, and work on things for next year. I feel bad that the students won't get me at my best. I am grateful that I will be there to see everything at the end of the year, but I also feel bad that their last days of seeing me will be when I feel like death. I will try my best to keep a perky demeanor with them. We will see how that works...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I guess over the past few days, I have tried my best not to really think about things. It's been tiring to deal with everything, and I permitted myself a break from it all. In fact, while I was riding in the car with Robin to a dinner, I finally started talking about this whole ordeal again. I don't want to rehash things every day, but it does take time to process. I was grateful to her for talking with me--there are moments that hit me when I least expect it. I am hoping this feeling is normal. During these times, I feel this sudden dread that all of this stuff is happening whether I like it or not, and I feel absolutely and utterly helpless. There are no other words to describe the feeling that I am racing toward a wall, and there's no way to put on the brakes. I know in the end it all works out, but I also don't know what "works out" means in this situation. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I think I had mentioned this before, but I had the kids' photos made for their "birthday" time of year. We had my niece and nephew in town, and it was a good chance to get photos of all of them together. This was about two weeks before the surgery. The sad thing is in the madness of getting four children to look at the camera, I missed the opportunity to get a photo of just me and the kids. I remember coming home from the hospital, a few days after the surgery and everything, and sobbing in the shower. I came to the realization that I missed having a photo with the kids--a photo now will have my scar. And then I also had a brief flirtation with the idea of "what if something happened to me, and the kids didn't have a good picture with me?" That's not a great thought to have in the shower. Or ever.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Here's a shot of my beautiful children (taken by their Aunt Jessi):</span><br />
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<img alt="" border="0" class="imgBorder" height="150" hspace="0" src="http://photos.jessicawinn.com/Clients/swiftwinn-egg-hunt/i-LJhmq8H/0/Th/IMG_7482-Th.jpg" style="margin-top: 0px;" title="" vspace="0" width="150" /><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So, in the next few weeks, I am going to try to get some good photos of me with the kids. Though I missed the opportunity to get GOOD photos of me and the kids, I can get a bunch of snapshots to fill that void. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And now, because my body cannot keep up any longer, I am going to bed EARLY. I will update more tomorrow, once I find out what's happening with my calcium levels. Wish me luck!</span><br />
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Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-5374458840233177872013-04-17T18:04:00.000-07:002013-04-17T18:04:00.997-07:00My Outlook<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Well, it has been the better part of a week before I posted. I have actually attempted to make this post two different times, but never completed it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> On Friday, I visited the doctor and learned that he removed the one cancerous tumor. He said my chances of survival were pretty good, and I will be getting radioactive iodine treatment. He was pretty casual about it, but I made it to the hospital before the nurse called me. My calcium levels were still low, so I was getting my blood drawn AGAIN. I hated that the people at the hospital now knew me by name...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> I was told that the endocrinologist wanted to see me Monday morning. They wanted me in QUICKLY. I agreed (because I didn't have a choice), got my blood drawn and headed back to work. I started feeling progressively worse as the day went on, and at about 2pm the nurse called to tell me that my calcium levels were as low as when I had problems in the hospital. I could tell something was up, because my muscles were twitching, I had terrible cramps in my legs, and my face was shuddering. They adjusted my supplementation again, and I went home to rest. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> I will say I barely made it home. I felt absolutely miserable. I don't remember much of the night, other than talking to a friend for a long time. He did a good job of distracting me from my discomfort. I called the doctor, and he told me to take more meds. I went to bed finally, hoping everything would sort itself out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> The weekend was easy-going. On Saturday, we had a tea party for Carly's guest (a friend from school). By Sunday, I didn't leave bed except to make a cake in the morning. I was absolutely drained, and there was barely enough energy to eat. If I could have operated from bed, I would have been happier. I was a bit worried about how the week would go if I felt this bad on the weekend!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Monday came around, and I had to move the appt because of a work meeting. I arrived in the afternoon, to find that there was definitely cause to remove the thyroid. There were multiple nodules that looked strange, and the cancerous mass. I knew I did the right thing, but it helped to have more people back me up. They told me my schedule for the radioactive iodine, and went over how the withdrawal of thyroid hormones would work.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> I told the doctor that I had gone through hypothyroidism before, and I knew what it was like. She laughed... HARD. She told me she saw and heard about my symptoms, but that my levels were never significantly below the appropriate level. In short: she told me this was going to be BAD. She said I had a great outlook, but to prepare myself for the worst. I was going to have ZERO energy, muscle pain, hair issues, my voice might get weird, and I will be moody. Very, very moody.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> I took notes, and headed home. Well, actually I headed BACK to the hospital to give them MORE blood, then headed home. As I walked into the hospital, I saw on the news that there had just been a bombing at the Boston Marathon. I remember looking at the news, and wondering if this was a sign of some sort. It seems like there's always something, and it saddens me to think that there's so many people that don't value how precious life is.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> I got home and intended to write about the experiences. I had been trying to write for the past few days. I guess my body finally became less vigilant, and was finally able to rest. I also tried desperately at work to get a lot done, because I knew once the medication withdrawal started, it was going to be a rough road. It would be better to get everything done, then I could sit back and enjoy the end of the year.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> I'd like to say it's been easy the past few days, since I am recovering nicely. In reality, I barely get home from work, and am in miserable pain. I make it home wincing in pain to get through the doors of the house, and it's a battle to get everything done for the evening. I am just praying for Friday to get here QUICKLY.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Last night, before I fell asleep, I was thinking about the future. I thought about plans to get me through the summer, plans of what would ideally happen in the next year, and even where I wanted to be in the next ten years (the purpose of this blog). I also realize that I am a fantastic planner, and wanted to have plans around for things "just in case." I guess the fact that I can even write about all of this without crying tells me I have a certain level of detachment that is necessary to cope with all of this mess. I am definitely not saying things will go bad--I just realize that the POSSIBILITY is out there.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> I also thought about my friend Scarlett, and how she told me this is one more thing I will conquer. I thought about all of the stuff I've been through- attack, TBI and long recovery (wheelchair to walking and running), abusive relationship and getting OUT, raising two kids on my own while working and trying to normalize their life, even surviving an attack in college. Suffice it to say, if I come to it, I will go through it. I guess cancer would inevitably make its way onto that list. Gee, when I look at the list, I can see why I intimidate men. ;-)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> I'm not as verbose today as I was last week (can you imagine? this is short for me!). Tonight, I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my head. I know that I need to sort through these before I can write, but I also wanted to let you know where things stand.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> I have yet to tell my friend Jere about this situation. I am usually quick to tell him about everything. I just don't want him to worry, because he is an oncologist. He has dealt with great success stories, and he's had terrible stories to tell. I have always wanted to be one of the good stories he tells. :-)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Alex lost his first tooth last night. I was so excited, because he has been looking forward to this milestone for weeks now. I felt a twinge of anxiety, because I saw how important it was to see this milestone. I had already been fully aware of these special moments, because I wondered how some people would choose to miss them! I realized that now he's losing a tooth, and won't be my baby boy for much longer. He'll be graduating kindergarten, sailing through grade school, and will be graduating in 2025. It won't be long before he has his career and family. And I hoped and prayed to God, in the ten seconds it took me to think of all of this, that I would be there to get the call from my grandchild, telling me he lost his first tooth! It's moments like these when I realize that a lot of great can come of my life. I also realize it is terrible precious and fragile, and I need to enjoy it while I can. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">your works are wonderful,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I know that full well. -Psalm 139:14</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> This has been a Psalm that's been on my mind quite a bit lately. I am mystified at my life, and I know my friend Robin talks about how I can make hugging a trucker in a parking lot sound magical. I am so grateful I have that ability, and can see the amazing in the ordinary. It makes me appreciate really how much awe and amazing is created in every moment, and I am grateful for all of these experiences that have added so much to my life. Our trips around the sun are really too few, no matter how many years we get. They key to all of this is finding a rich life, and appreciating that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, no matter what our religious path. No matter what news we receive, or day we have at work. No matter what ideas are floating or pounding or swirling around in our heads. We all need these moments to center us; these moments where we lie on the driveway and stare in awe at the dark universe.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> And for me, I was always the one to watch in awe. I will say there's an added glisten to all of these ordinary moments. I feel like I am seeing things differently, and really seeing how fantastic our world can be. Maybe that's the best gift I could receive right now, when terrible things happen and so many people are fearful. I know my place in this world, and my purpose as well. It is to inspire change, and to show love. If I can say I've done these two things every day, then I've served my purpose. This is really quite a feeling of contentment, and one that will ensure restful sleep tonight.</span>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-44704513477821078612013-04-11T17:15:00.000-07:002013-04-11T17:15:54.983-07:00The Waiting<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I always hate the night before news. It can be good news or bad, but I always end up anxious, and I usually end up too introspective. Although, as I've talked to people, I wouldn't trade my overthinking for anything. :-)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Tomorrow I meet with the surgeon to talk about the pathology results, to remove my stitches, and to hopefully make a real plan. I will say that I have had the absolute best experience with Dr. Jeffrey Paffrath in Murfreesboro. At first, when I was coming out of surgery, I wanted all of the answers, and I wanted them NOW. He has been incredibly thorough, but he has also let me deal with each piece one at a time--he ensured I made it through surgery and had a night's rest before giving me the diagnosis, he told me we will talk more and needed to focus on calcium, then he has called and worked with me consistently over the past week to get my calcium back in an acceptable range, and now we deal with the next part. I will say that his confidence in dealing with all of these issues has put my mind at ease quite a bit. And for a person that has had her world turned upside-down, I will say that was quite a relief.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I will go ahead and tell you a few things I've observed over this week. First of all, the song "Live Like You Were Dying" should now be on my forever banned playlist. And right now, I get a little teary watching the sun rise and set. I am not sure where I'm going with that, I've always liked both the rising and setting of the sun. For some reason, it's just too much for me right now. But that brings me to a real point...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">My aunt posted a little bit ago, in response to my last post. I am annoyingly positive, and I always have to be DOING something. This helps other people that are in crisis, but it does usually leave me exhausted if it's my own trauma. I was speaking with a friend last night, and he said something interesting. We were talking about leadership and personality styles, and how different people were. I told him I wasn't sure where I fit- I didn't mind leading, but I really enjoyed supporting others. He had an interesting thought: he said that I have thrived in the leadership I have had, but these were positions I had out of necessity. I didn't seek them, but I needed to be able to survive, and so I made the best. I think there was quite a bit of truth to it. As much as it looks like I am Rosie the Riveter, I'd rather be the supportive June Cleaver. But the opportunities such as these have yet to arise...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Which brings me back to my original point, pertaining to my fantastic Aunt Carol: she told me to be who I am, to look for that support, and to go through these stages of grief. I know she's right. The truth? I am in tears as I write this... It's a delicate balance between maintaining control and losing it, and when I am a mother, and a teacher, a daughter, a friend, and a supporter to others, I worry that I won't be at my best. And I worry that once I fall down, it will be really hard to come back up. Or, I won't. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I like having plans- they comfort me. I know this seems like some colossal joke then, because none of this situation really has a plan. But in an effort to operate low-energy, I do feel like a plan would help. And I feel like a plan would also let me let others help me. I know so many people ask how they could help. I don't want to inconvenience people, and I also don't know what to tell them to do. I realize now they feel as helpless as me about all of this. Maybe with some direction, we'll all start to make it through.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">When I came home from the hospital, I had to sit the children down and explain to them what had happened. It's traumatizing for young children to have their only available parent disappear to the hospital for an extended period (though my parents were absolutely GREAT to help out!), for mommy to come home a whole day later than planned, with a giant cut and stitches across her neck, and for mommy to tell them that the doctor took cancer out. I hugged them, held them, and told them I loved them dearly. I told them the doctor got all he could, and will give mommy some medicine to take in a few weeks that should eat up all the rest of the cancer cells. For children that knew mommy was just going to have an operation and come home, I know this was a lot to handle. For a few days afterward, we were all in a fog. I admittedly lost my temper easily, they cried a little more than usual, and it was really just a miracle we are all sane now.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Last night, Alex, Carly and I sat on his bed and talked about all that had happened. We had been talking over the past days, but I know the kids didn't really know what to ask. I didn't push too much before, because I didn't know if I had the energy to answer the questions (or even the answers!). Last night, I went ahead and asked him if his extra crying was dealing with mommy's cancer news, or that she's been sick in the house. Even with the help of my parents, he's sensitive to me, and seems to react when I become ill. I figured that was the reason for the moodiness, and I was right. What I found in the conversation, is that he is just like me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">He wants to help, and he needs to know what to do. We talked about ways he can work on responsibility, help mommy around the house (which gives her more energy for fun things!), and help him relax about his worries. I answered their questions, told them everything will be ok, hugged them and kissed them, and we went to bed.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I think most people are like Alex, and when they know what to do, and have a purpose in the situation, then they feel calm. I am convinced that's why churches send food when bad things happen. When life hands you lemons, then send cakes and casseroles! It's sweet how people try to ease the burden of others. It restores my faith in humanity every time I see it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I have seen a lot of that over the past few days at school. When you teach, you are part of a pretty tight community. I will admit that I felt like an outsider when I moved to the area last year, but they quickly welcomed me. Through this year, as the tests have moved toward the direction of surgery, people have been more quick to check on me and help in any way they could. When I got the diagnosis, and I told my family, I was comfortable enough to tell my boss, because he's that easy to talk to. It made it so much easier to know it was out there, and I didn't have to sit and worry about what I would tell him. And when I returned to work, over the past few days, people have been fantastic. Students have been honestly wanting to know how I have been doing(and though it's really public, I haven't shared the specifics with many outside those that I teach), because when you see teenagers for most of their day, you become family. Coworkers have stepped up to cover my classes when I couldn't make it through the day, and I will be honest: I was grateful when my boss looked me in the eye Tuesday, knew I wouldn't make it through the day (or the next few hours), but allowed me my stubborn pride to give it a shot. The last thing I wanted was to be babied. True, I didn't make it, but at least I wanted to give it my best shot.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">This might all seem like rambling, and it probably is. There have been a lot of thoughts that have been floating in my head this week. There have been great thoughts, fantastic memories, and thoughts of what I want to do differently in the future. I have started to relax a bit, which I think will let me start to move through these stages of grief a little easier. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I definitely don't have the answers, and I really don't even have a lot of the questions right now. Sometimes I feel like I am wandering around blindly, feeling for a light switch. I feel like if I can just turn the light ON, I can start to make sense of everything. The truth is I am wondering if the light would even help. This might be something I have to feel, sight unseen.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I feel like I want to say some things, but I also feel like I shouldn't go there. I am a firm believer in letting people know how you feel about them, but I also don't want to be a crazy person that leaves my manifesto. I am by no means giving up or acting sappy. But I do think that it's a good time to acknowledge important people in my life, and all they have done for me. We don't say kind things enough to each other, and I want that to end with me now. So, here goes (and this list is by no means exhaustive- it's a work in progress):</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">My mother- I want to thank her for being an incredible rock. She has been strong and steady, and seems to know what I want to hear. We bicker, but that's because we are so alike. We also have more fun laughing than two people deserve to in a hospital. I am grateful she has been here to support me through this week, and really for the past years of my life. No doubt it has been a roller coaster; she has always stood strong beside me, helping me stand up after each defeat.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">My father- He is such a good man. I know he is lost in this situation, because there's nothing he can really do. He looked at me Tuesday, when I looked like death. I was crying before work, because I didn't know if I could do it. He told me, "You can do it! You can be a hero right NOW!" Carly quickly corrected him, that I didn't have a cape... But he has been the most fantastic support to my children, a wonderful father, and a great role model of how a husband should be. I am thankful for moving back home, and getting this chance to get to know him better.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">My brother- He moved away to Seattle to follow his dreams, which makes me more happy than anything. I am insanely proud of him, and will tell anyone that will listen. He's a fantastic friend, a great father to his children, and he really stepped up to provide a lot of support to my children when they needed it the most. I have always been close with him, because whenever we moved, we were all we had. I remember sitting in the same room, him playing video games and me reading a book. I was always comforted by his proximity. I also remember the time I paid him to wear my high heels and break them in for prom... Watching him playing video games with his legs crossed and navy blue pumps was priceless. ;-) We still have a great sense of humor, and I appreciate that I can call to talk when I need to. And that when we go awhile without talking, it's ok. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Allison, my sister-in-law- She started dating my brother when they were sixteen, so I have known her for almost half of her life. She has always been warm, loving and supportive, but is also incredibly honest with me. I love that we can talk honestly, and still communicate well. And I also love how much she loves my children (as I do hers!), and how much she has done to help them become great human beings! She's a great mother to her babies, and a great friend. I love her very dearly. :-)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Robin, my best friend- When I moved home to Tullahoma, I was reunited with a friend from high school. I was never a big fan of being female friends, but Robin definitely proved me wrong. I remember meeting her for coffee, and having her say "why on earth haven't we been friends all along?!?" Because I knew that God had a plan, and he knew when we needed each other. He knew I would need someone that cut through the BS, and someone that pushed me to follow my dreams. He also required that this same person keep me laughing constantly, and always go home from our meetings in happy tears. I am so glad that such a transitional period in my life was met with such a good friend. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Scarlett, my other best friend- I would say, that for a woman that doesn't have many female friends, I was blessed over the past two years. I am beyond thrilled to have Scarlett as my friend. She has been a great coworker, a wonderful lunch buddy, and someone I can be completely honest with. I appreciate her insight, the fact that we are both moms and share thoughts on this regularly, and how appreciative she is of my trying to help. :-) I am truly blessed to work with someone that has the interest of her coworkers, her students, and her friend at heart at all times. And when we went to the special education convention together, she stayed in her own bed. That owns her bonus points. :-D</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I don't want this to go on all night, so I will be sure to continue these posts. I want to tell all of the people around me how I feel. I don't think they are wasted words of affirmation. I assure you I am not high at the moment--I just know that I enjoy hearing kind words. I know that this is one gift I can give others right now.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">My final words...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I have two beautiful children, Alex and Carly, that are my world. I do think if they were not in the picture, I would have already given in, and wouldn't have left the bed. I love them fiercely and wonderfully, and can see so many beautiful, wonderful things in their future. I try so hard to be a good mother, and I am happy to hear and receive so much love in return. I remember being pregnant, and having many talks with God. All I wished for with each baby? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I wanted a child that would show so much love to the world. I was convinced that two children that intensely loved those around them could be the greatest change I could make for the world. And I am determined to help them grow, to keep that passion and fire burning bright, and to show plenty of love to all of those around them. I am proud of their compassionate, empathetic souls, and know that I have left such a beautiful legacy so far. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The tears are drying, and I'll assure you there have been plenty while typing this post. I needed to get out a good cry, and usually the only way I can do that is by writing honestly. I certainly don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, but my hope is that through my honest writing, you will get a gift as well. I am a person that has quite a big wall built around herself. I think it's time for the wall to come down. It'll take time, but this will be the best way to do it. So bear with me, and know I will be writing often.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And to end, because I am a geek at heart, one of my fantastically favorite quotes. Seems fitting about now:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">“I went to the woods because </span></h1>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I wanted
to live deliberately, </span></h1>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow
of life, </span></h1>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">To put to rout all that was not life </span></h1>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">and not when I had come to
die </span></h1>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Discover that I had not lived.”</span></h1>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> </span></h1>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">-Henry David Thoreau</span></h1>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And no, I will not be camping anytime in the foreseeable future... LOL </span></h1>
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<br />Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-4883474224283551112013-04-08T18:12:00.002-07:002013-04-08T18:12:49.987-07:00I Finally Write...<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> It's seems like I've been in a fog the past few days. Honestly, I just turned on my computer and went back to work today... The past week seems like it happened in slow-motion, then rewind, then slowwww again. Here's the best I can remember:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> On Thursday morning, I woke up and seemed ready to get this surgery over with! We dropped the kids off to school, and I drove us to the hospital to check in. I didn't have to be to the hospital until 10am, which meant surgery wasn't starting until later. We seemed pretty relaxed the entire time, and I was just ready to put all of this behind me. I knew I would have a few days of discomfort, then I would be back to my old crazy self--encountering new adventures and telling stories to my friends.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> I remember coming out of surgery feeling a little strange. I wasn't sure how long I'd been in there, and I vaguely remember falling asleep. Usually, it's a pretty relaxed experience (and it's sad it's happened so many times for me!). The strange thing about this time is they strapped an oxygen mask to my face, and I remember having a panicky feeling, thinking "something is NOT right!" Then I was out... So, coming out of surgery, I expected to feel miserable. Quite the contrary--I felt very chatty, and seemed to tell the nurse my entire life story. She was incredibly empathetic, and listened to all my jabbering. Actually, I seemed coherent, and it was the last case before she could go home, so she might have actually enjoyed herself. I was given a little extra pain medicine, she wished me well, and deposited me at my room for the night.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> I was supposed to stay overnight to make sure my body could regulate calcium. Sometimes the parathyroid glands get damaged during surgery, and the calcium levels go haywire. This can cause all sorts of problems with muscles and the heart, and they watch to make sure nothing happens.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Well, the next morning it seemed like I was only going on a few hours of sleep. I figured the doctor would come by to discharge me, and then I could go home and sleep for the next few days. Then I would be back to work, and life would be back to NORMAL. The food services lady brought my breakfast tray, and I began eating. Shortly after eating my pancake, the doctor walked in.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> He was a normally-chipper man, and he looked like he was making a real effort to be happy. I figured he was mad he had to come to the hospital (I was his only hospital case that day), or something else was happening. He asked me about symptoms, and checked my incision. It was when I asked about what he saw... I don't think for as long as I live I will forget the look on his face.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> He backed up a few steps, and immediately started to fidget with my hospital blanket. I remember feeling an almost out-of-body experience as I watched him and wondered how many times he had to tell people bad things. I was trying to absorb what he was saying, and also think about what on earth he was saying, and why he was being fidgety all at the same time. I have to wonder what my face looked like at that moment. It must not have looked good, because for a moment he looked like he might cry.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> He quickly told me I had two children already, so I'd probably want to opt for the radioactive iodine. That made me snap out of it. What was he talking about? I guess I hadn't fully digested the fact that the thyroid was out, let alone that I had cancer, or that I would be arranging treatment. I had to be honest, I really didn't know much about cancer, outside of the bits I read when people become diagnosed. I know things are so specific to different types, and it's not like I troll around morbid sites looking for cancer research. So, honestly, I had no idea what he was talking about. I could tell he understood that facial expression, because he paused, and said we could talk about all this once the pathology lab came back from the other half of the thyroid (I was diagnosed based on a 4cm papillary mass visually found on the left side- results are still out on the rest).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> He then walked up to me and started tapping my face. My eyes started shuttering violently, and I realized I wasn't feeling well. He got quite an alarmed look on his face, while telling me that my calcium levels were dipping. This was causing the leg pains and restlessness (that I thought was anesthesia wearing off), and the scary actions of my muscles. He asked me if my face was numb- a bit, but I couldn't tell if that was my regular Topamax.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> The staff jumped to action, starting me on calcium supplements via IV and orally. I didn't have much of an appetite, but I was trying to consume anything that had calcium. I was also taking Calciotrol, which is supposed to aid in the absorption of calcium. We were doing everything we could from keeping the numbers down. I desperately wanted out of the hospital- I hadn't seen the kids in a while, I had received a diagnosis of cancer, and I was now feeling anxious and miserable. From Friday to Saturday, those were NOT good hours in my life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> On Saturday, the push was to get the calcium stable so I could get out of the hospital. Thankfully, at the 3pm draw, I was stable, and we were able to leave!! We packed up quickly, and headed home as soon as possible. I had become so fixated on dealing with the calcium issues, I didn't have to think about much else. Until I got home...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Then I started having a few moments of calm. Moments of quiet are dangerous, because I think. And when I think, I think too much... Well, over the past two days, it seems like all I've done is gone through a fog. Every time I try to think, my brain shuts me down- I end up in a trance-like state. I think this is to protect myself from worrying about things that might never happen. I also think for the first few days, I had to get all the calcium normal before I could deal with life. Today was the first day that fog lifted, and I could start dealing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Today I went to get my calcium levels checked again, and I have to travel to the hospital again on Wednesday afternoon to get them checked. This is unfortunate, because on top of recovering, I have to balance. I also return to work tomorrow (I am out of sick days!), so I don't have a choice but to embrace this hectic lifestyle. I am wondering if this will keep me from thinking about all sorts of yucky thoughts.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Today I was sitting in the hospital, waiting for my blood to be drawn. Montel Williams was on the Rachael Ray show, and he was talking about how he survives with multiple sclerosis. They had just shown a picture of him snowboarding, so my ears perked up when I thought about what words of wisdom he might have for me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> He said to get out there, to read EVERYTHING I could, and be the best advocate for myself that I could. I need to get an idea of all the options that are out there, of all the treatments, all the outcomes, and all the paths of life I might take. This will let me deal with everything, and will let me be active in my care.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> The bald man makes a lot of sense... But that means I will have to finally sit still, think for a little bit, write down my long list of questions for my doctors, and research all I can. I want to make sure I make decisions that will give me the best outcome, and leave me here to ponder life for many years to come. That means doing some homework now. And thinking a little extra about all of this--I will have to lift my own fog.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> I remember on Friday, looking across the room at my journal. I remember just getting the diagnosis of cancer, and remembering that for a person that writes about everything, that I should really write about how I felt at that moment. I was worried it would go away. I got up, made my way across the room to get the journal, and by the time I got back to my bed with a pen, I fell asleep. Un-thankfully, the memory of hearing those words never leaves, and I don't feel like I missed my moment. I am not saying I am having a pity party or have lost hope from the beginning- just saying it is an experience I will never forget. So thankfully, I didn't miss the moment of putting pen to paper. :-)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> And in the coming days, I will be focusing on recovering slowly, being present in the moment, and trying not to take myself too seriously. And researching to become my best advocate for Friday. :-)</span>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124478419789992932.post-10772989543218723182013-04-03T18:12:00.000-07:002013-04-03T18:12:04.536-07:00Night Before the Knife<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> Tomorrow will be my thyroidectomy, and I guess the idea of being sliced open has me a little sentimental. I guess anytime I am under the knife, I want to make sure my affairs are in order...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> In order to understand my thoughts and anxieties of tonight, I kinda need to retrace the events of the past week.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> Last Tuesday, I was sitting in a meeting, ready to finish my day. I remember walking into the meeting feeling rough. It seemed that everyone had already gotten sick, and I thought that maybe I had a touch of something. By the end of the meeting, I felt like DEATH. I couldn't turn my head, I had an intense headache, and I was burning up. I couldn't tell if the meeting room was too warm, or if a fever was brewing. I told a coworker what was going on, and she told me I needed to go see a doctor. I got in the car, and headed for the doctor instead of going to class that night.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> When I got to the doctor, they took one look at me and thought I had meningitis. They sent me to the ER to be tested for it. Of course, I already knew the test for meningitis: lumbar puncture. And, unfortunately, I had already had that test before. So, I was terrified because I had been there and experienced the pain.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> It worked on the SECOND full attempt. Yes, after digging around the first time, they had to go get someone else from the anesthesia department to complete the puncture. I remember breathing eerily slow, with tears streaming down my face. I knew what the needle looked like, and I knew where it was. I knew that one renegade breath could paralyze me. And with my history in a wheelchair, I didn't want to chance any issues with my legs. It was definitely not the best 20 minutes of my life. Add to that a headache that wouldn't quit (even after two shots of demerol, and add-on percocet), and I was a miserable mess.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> I was also concerned that I had either given this to Travis, or got it from him. I had alerted him of this on the way over to the hospital.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> They told me I would be staying in the hospital for at least 24 hours, and they were going to start the treatment for meningitis while waiting for the test results. They moved me up to the isolation room, and I settled in for the night. I remember being ready for sleep, but being in such an uncomfortable bed. I remember being thankful that I would be recovering from whatever this was, and that at least I had a supportive family, friends, and a pretty good life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> Nausea and a headache continued through the night, but as long as I ate crackers and drank sprite, I seemed fine. I didn't feel miserable, but I certainly didn't feel well. I just wanted to go home, so I could get back to spinning all of my plates in the air.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> Well, on Wednesday, it seemed like I waited ALL day to see the doctor. In fact, I did. The doctor wandered into my room around 7pm and asked me if I wanted to go home. The best he could guess was that my body overreacted to a virus. I told him I would rather recuperate in my own bed, so we were headed home. I was thankful to get to see my children and to have my life back again. I packed up my belongings, and mom drove me home.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> I got home, hugged my children, and headed upstairs. I sent a message to Travis, asking how his evening was going, and life in general. Then I got the news:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> He decided that it wasn't working. And apparently the best time to decide this is when the significant other is in the hospital. That does seem rather convenient.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> Ok, I am not being fair. I will back-track a moment to a week before. We had been on a date, and he shared a story of a past girlfriend, and some issues she had. Because he had shared the story, I decided to share a story of my long-ago past. It was 16 years before, and really had nothing to do with my current life. Some people can hear stories about people, and respect all they have been through. Other people hear stories, and probably think about all the ways it might affect THEM. Again, it seems that I find a lot of men that really just worry about themselves.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> And to kinda confirm my thoughts of this event, I heard a character on tv say these words the other day: "Scars tell us where we have been. They don't have to dictate where we will go." This is the mindset I have always had, and that experience always shapes our future. It doesn't follow us to constantly make decisions for us--we are ultimately accountable for our growth and development. For some people that either can't think that deeply, or are terrified of having to care for someone, I guess this is too much.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> So, on the night of my discharge from the hospital, I also had another plate come crashing down. I was single again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> I decided I was going to enjoy my kids and take a break from a lot of things. I also decided that since I had surgery coming up, and I had suddenly gotten really TIRED, I was going to be withdrawing from classes. I would rather focus on my self, my family, and my job. Everything else can wait until later. So, for the next few days, I took some extra-deep breaths, appreciated how great I really was, and really, really, really appreciated the friends I have.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> Tomorrow, I will be put to sleep while they remove my thyroid. Hopefully, while they do this surgery, they won't a) release any abnormal or cancerous cells into my body, or b) damage my vocal nerves. Those are really my only concerns. But those are pretty hefty concerns. Let's face it: my job is all about talking, and I need to be able to talk to perform my daily duties. I also have a stellar karaoke career... And I am a bit worried that things aren't right with my thyroid- there's always the chance, and I would hate to think that my adventures would be cut short.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> I would say for the past week, I have been through too much. I would also say that I am redefining with whom I need to spend my time. I was talking with my friend Robin about this very issue. She told me about her awesome Aunt Imagene. She's 87 years-old, and does whatever she wants. She pretty much decided she wasn't going to take care of a man, so she lives her life to the fullest, and enjoys being around men. She just isn't a slave to worrying if a man is going to stick around to be MAN enough. Imagene didn't take any crap, and I don't think I will either. She also apparently had some great chandeliers, which I am looking to purchase sometime soon. Honestly, the idea of living my life to explore the world and make my own decisions sounds intriguing. I already have kids, and I love them. I can raise them and enjoy that, and when they leave the nest, I can leave mine.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> Or, I can re-prioritize when I come out of this surgery, and realize that someone man enough will come along. And I can still explore the world. And I will definitely be getting tacky chandeliers, as a heads-up to whatever man is looking at heading my way... ;-) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07484659618311056840noreply@blogger.com0