My Letter to Santa

My children are at the perfect age to experience Christmas in all of its glory.

We had a talk about what Christmas means, and how the holiday celebrates love and giving more than anything else.  We gave in to the secular side of things, and they went to Breakfast with Santa, lists in their head.  They know that giving is the reason for the season, but they also had ideas of what they would like to receive.  I was truly impressed with their questions and insight; they have had thoughtful commentary throughout this entire month.

Alex was on my bed yesterday, since I have been recovering from back surgery. He was talking to me about the holiday, and he asked me “what did you ask for from Santa?”

I tried to explain that Santa really doesn’t bring things for adults, but he cut me off…

 “You said that Santa shows his love and giving to everyone, and that we should do the same. If Santa is going to bring me my gifts, I want him to bring you what you wish for! Did you write a letter?”

My only reply: “no…”

           So, Alex challenged me with writing a letter to Santa.  I sat on this for a day, because I felt like I was really too old. I also feel like I really don’t need to ask for much, because I am “lucky” to have all that has come to me (which shows you I have quite a bit of survivor’s guilt from conquering so much).

           Today, three days before Christmas, I decided I would write my Christmas letter.  I know I am one person in the grand scheme of things, but I am one person that has shown loving and caring actions throughout the year, has gone above and beyond what is expected, and would definitely be included on Santa’s “NICE” list.

So, here goes…

Dear Santa,

I look around me, and I see so many things I have that I am thankful for. I have two beautiful children that have grown to be happy and well-adjusted youngsters.  I have a family that loves and supports me, and I receive support on a daily basis from my parents (we live upstairs in their house!).

I have my work that leaves me fulfilled on most days. I enjoy my job, and love that I am making a difference each and every day.  I am grateful for my colleagues, that inspire me and give me new ideas, and for the feedback I get from all of the students. It is really an honor to be included in their plan to grow up and make something of their lives.

Over the past few years, life has had its rough patches. There were days when I honestly didn’t want to get out of bed, but did what had to be done. There were moments when I thought I couldn’t handle anything more, and wondered when I would break from all the pressures around me. There were some days when I left work, and I felt a strong urge to take off to a distant city, just to become someone else. Just so I could get a break from this life that was wearing me down and wearing me thin. As time went on, I came to accept myself for what I was, and to learn to love the me that has endured all of these obstacles. I came to find out that I was happy with who I was, and I didn’t have to live my life so that someone else would “complete me.”

Maybe when I made all of these exclamations to the universe, you misunderstood me? I did say that I didn’t need someone to complete me, but I didn’t mean that I wanted to live my life alone!

For Christmas, I would like to make one magical request. I know it’s a long shot, but all I’d really like for Christmas is to know that I matter.  I think all I want in this world is to be wanted, and I guess that’s my selfish wish.  Through this past year of self-discovery, I have completed a lot of really cool projects. I had some great experiences, and enjoyed the world around me.  What was missing? I didn’t have someone to talk to after the days that were great, and those that were not so great.  I didn’t have even the normal relationship where I would sit and read my geeky books while he watches sports or DIY shows.  That seems like a simplistic way to put it, but that’s it.

And when things get bad, and life seems rough, at least you have someone on your side.  Someone that is there no matter what happens.  Someone that is your greatest fan, and can see through the fog to the other side.  It’s always nice to have someone by your side when life is grand and great things are happening.  It’s more important to have someone by your side that just keeps you moving, and reassures you that life will continue when this stressor subsides.

I love cheesy 80s movies, and I remember all of the great moments in John Hughes movies when the teen guy proclaims his desire for the young female. In Say Anything, I remember watching Lloyd Dobber hold up a boom box and play a Peter Gabriel song for his love that he lost. Really in any of the great 80s movies, the men just jumped up, raced across town (usually in a sports car), and proclaimed their love publicly for their women. I am not 17 anymore, but that idea is heartwarming.

I am not at a point in my life where ideas and moments have lost their magic.  On the contrary, I was talking to my best friend Robin the other day about what constitutes “normal” in my life. She told me my life was unbelievably normal.  It’s all the way I see things; day after day, I see normal things as magical and special.  And because I see my life as magical, it starts to feel that way.

What’s missing for me this holiday season? I miss that feeling of when I was younger, when someone would look at you like you are the only other person on Earth. For a moment in time, their thoughts are only of you. Children are really good at expressing this type of love. Adults aren’t so great about being that vulnerable. 

I imagine Santa might tell me to pick something more attainable. He would probably say that I should mention a specific item that I want (that I can already buy myself), or to hope for something vague so that I can’t be dissatisfied.

But I’ve never known Santa to be a realist…

Thanks,

Michelle

P.S. I want to wish all of my friends, family, and people I have met along my journey a wonderful Christmas filled with love, joy, and the support that keeps you going.  There will be peaks in life, and there will be valleys.  Take a good look around you, realize that there are people willing to join you on your journey, and hug them like there’s no tomorrow.  Situations are temporary, money and jobs are only things, and life is meant to be appreciated for the struggles and the victories. Wherever you are this holiday season, surround yourself with love.  Good things happen when good people are around you.

And if you have a brown trench coat, a boom box, and an old Peter Gabriel cassette, I will be waiting by my window.