From a tiny seed...

Carly and I were riding around the Puyallup, WA area, and she was remarking how big the trees were in the area. This was true- the fantastically gigantic evergreens looked like they soared up to the sky.  She asked where trees like that came from, and my response was:

"No matter how big the tree, each tree comes from a tiny little seed. Somewhere along the way, this tiny little seed was buried, nurtured, and given the space to grow, and a gigantic tree came forth."

To which she responded: "how on Earth does that happen?"

Me: "Potential.  There's an amazing amount of potential in a tiny little seed. We all have the capacity for greatness already within us. And the capacity for a tree so great starts out in a tiny little seed."


I enjoy moments like that, when it seems I am having such an existential discussion with my daughter, and when I can glean some wisdom from it as well.

Lately, I've been struggling with my purpose. More specifically, I've been looking at how I can fulfill my purpose while maintaining my roles that I fill in my everyday life.  This has honestly taken a lot of introspection, a lot of thought about what makes me tick and what makes me thrive, and the decision that I don't want to live in a fog. I want to experience the world around me, and feel that I am leading a balanced life.

This means I took a look back to my roots, and examined how I came into the career of teaching special education. I'm not going to lie: when I was in college, I wanted nothing more than to write books about social issues, about groups of people and grand experiments.  I was making so many observations about the human condition, and I wanted to write something that would inspire great change.

But then I had to be an adult, and someone had to support the family while my ex finished school and went on to grad school. So, teaching was a logical choice, and special education had the greatest need.

Don't get me wrong; I love working with the students that I have in school.  The stress level is often more than I can handle while still being healthy, but I do it because I care deeply for those children. Still, I know that given the choice, my heart is in writing and researching and exploring the world around me. I love talking with people from all walks of life, and I know there is so much wisdom in my interactions with random people.

So, while thinking about all of these things, I thought about my potential. I knew I was intelligent in school, and it seemed that I could do pretty much anything I wanted to in life. But I underestimated my potential; somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough to be a scientist, engineer, or social researcher.  Somewhere along the way I decided that my dream needed to take a back seat to practicality.  There aren't a lot of things I regret in life, but this is one of them. I wish that I had believed in myself enough.

Of course, that could have changed the rest of my past. I know that one decision can affect so many things, and I don't want to undo all of the good that came along with these decisions. I guess at this point, all I can do is acknowledge this dream, and try to make it a reality.

From the tiny seed of my spirit can come great things. With the nurturing soil of my mind and the light from my optimistic and loving heart, I am sure to blossom. Thirty-one years old is not too old to decide that I am still destined for greatness.