Embracing the Moment

Earlier in the week, I visited my friendly hematologist. He took 21 vials of blood two weeks ago, and told me he was sure he'd have some sort of answer for me on Tuesday.

Now I had been to the neurologist at the beginning of the month, and wasn't terribly thrilled when she confirmed my diagnosis, and told me it was most likely a combination of Essential Tremor and young-onset Parkinson's Disease.  Having the thoughts in your head and comments from doctors is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than hearing a neurologist say "you have a problem..."

Awesome.

So, I wasn't terribly thrilled to go see another specialist. To be honest, I wanted to get answers, and I have been feeling disheartened because it has taken five years to get the answers. But I also felt more comfortable with some things just being a "maybe." Sometimes getting results means I finally have to deal. I am a fairly well-adjusted person (in my opinion), but I also feel like I've dealt with more than my share lately.

So, I sat in the exam room and waited for him to arrive. It didn't help that the appointment took two hours, so I felt like I was waiting in Purgatory.  When he finally walked in, I could already tell he had some thoughts in his head. He had something to share, and he didn't wait too long before starting into his speech...

"We ran TONS of tests on your blood, because we needed answers. We did get a POSITIVE back on one of our tests for clotting disorders.  As you know, your blood clots WAY TOO EASILY, and that's a big problem. Now we know why.  You have Factor V Leiden Thrombophilia."

I just blinked at him. I remembered how they had taken all of those vials, and how it took FOREVER because my blood was clotting in the collection tubing. I remember looking at the tubing and wondering how on earth that could even happen.

He told me that it was with me since birth, but we probably didn't pay enough attention to it until now. He said this is what was causing my TIAs, and was the reason I had pregnancy complications and two miscarriages. He said that honestly he was surprised I was able to have two healthy children, even with the complications that came along with them.

I asked him what I needed to do, because I obviously didn't want my blood to keep clotting up, and causing major issues like strokes, pulmonary embolisms, etc.

He told me the problem was that he didn't feel comfortable putting me on potent blood thinners yet, because I have accumulated quite a few minor injuries from my clumsiness and shaking (remember last post?). He pointed to the cuts and scrapes I had, and told me I would be in big trouble if I had super-thin blood while slamming into everything and cutting body parts. BUT THEY WERE KIDS SCISSORS!!!

So, right now he wants to try a "wait and see" approach. He'd like to wait for the signs of a clotting problem, then make that the beginning of treatment. I can understand where he's coming from, but I am also a bit nervous about that. He also wants me to get the tremor medication worked out, because he feels more confident with trying blood thinners once I am not a risk to myself... LOL

So, I came home from that appointment TIRED. Beyond all of that info, my blood pressure has been dipping dangerously low (114/40), and it has been making me feel dizzy and just miserable. It was my intention to rest and feel better for Wednesday.  I had heard a rumor that snow might be coming to the area, but I didn't believe that would happen anytime soon. It just doesn't happen here anymore.

Well, the kids were off on Wednesday (and my mom was home as well). I was excited, because we had the opportunity to play games, watch cartoons, play dolls, run around outside before the snow, make homemade pizza for lunch, and snuggle. I was excited we got a day together, and I really needed that after such a tiring day on Tuesday. I even got a pretty decent nap, so that made for a good rest of the evening.

In the evening hours, the snow started to fall. My dream was coming true!! I know it sounds cheezy, but there's NOTHING better to me than to watch snow fall. I like the peace and quiet that happens when I am watching the snow drift. I can sit and watch it at a window for hours, which is probably disturbing to most.  After all of our excitement from playing all day, both kids were asleep before 7pm. I tiptoed into Alex's room, and told him to put on his robe and boots. He popped his little head up and wondered what was going on. I told him I had a surprise for him.

Something I had been thinking about, as all of these issues have been happening; probably the scariest thing for me to deal with is the idea that I won't be able to do everything I want to do with the children.  I feel bad sometimes that they have never had a mother that's 100% healthy all the time, and really that's the only parent that is around. They have grown up to be compassionate creatures, and we still have fun, but I sometimes wish I had the ability to do so much more.

So, when the snow started falling, I decided we needed to embrace the moment. I took Alex outside, and we stood for ten minutes, feeling the snow fall on our faces, and catching flakes. There was such a peaceful stillness in the air, and we loved watching the snow falling under the security light on the street. I even turned on the flood lights so we could watch the snow fall inside the house, on the staircase.  Here's a picture of my snow buddy:

We headed to bed, and by the time I fell asleep we had about two inches on the ground. I will admit that I did sneak back outside by myself later, to absorb that feeling of quiet again. :-)

This morning, I heard my bedroom door FLY open as Alex burst in to announce that it had SNOWED BIG TIME. He was SOOOOOO excited at the winter wonderland outside, and he told me how it looked from his bedroom window, from the balcony window, and from a downstairs window. Apparently angle is everything when viewing the snow...

So, even though I hadn't been feeling too great, I decided we needed to embrace this moment.  Me and the kids were going to make snow angels! Yes, a person with recent ACL surgery and a broken leg, along with various pain and neuromuscular issues thinks it is a good idea to make snow angels.

Here we are (thanks Mom for taking the pic!):

I thought about the numerous reasons why the snow angels may not be a good idea, but then I thought of one really good reason why this needed to happen: It hasn't snowed in a while, and I don't know when this will happen again. The kids need to have a memory of me playing in the snow with them, in case I am not able to do things like this later.

So, we threw piles of snow "dust" (the snow wouldn't pack, so it looked like glitter glistening against the early morning sunlight).  They found big hunks of snow to eat, and took turns sliding down the slide into a pile of snow. I'm glad they had that opportunity to get out there with me, and they were grateful for the hot chocolate when we headed back inside! :-)

These past few weeks have been adjusting to a new reality. Where there have been suspicions and questions for some time about what my future might hold, now I am faced with a bit more certainty about the uncertainty, if that makes any sense. It was fun to be able to take some time to enjoy my little ones, and to make some memories that will serve us well as years go by.

None of us really knows what the future holds. I try to keep in perspective the fact that there have been so many rough things that have happened to me so far, and I've survived them all. But I also know that there's only so many battles one person can handle. So, I take comfort in my good friends that reach out to me, and my family that is there to catch me when I stumble.  And I thank God every day for a little voice that tells me in the morning "don't you know that you are the best mommy a girl could ever have?"  Some days I don't feel it, and I wonder what the future holds; in those little eyes though, it seems like everything is working out just fine. 

<3

Pancakes, Biopsies, Stars, and The Bridge

Today started out in a rather blah state. I have gone through night three of no sleep, so as you can imagine I am REALLY TIRED. The kids had off school for MLK holiday, so we packed a few adventures into our day.

Our first stop was really tying up loose ends. I said I hated doing it, but I guess it had to be done. So, the kids and I headed over to the park to retrieve a few of my items from my latest Boyfriend (man #12, whatever you want to call him...). The irony struck me- the fact that commitment of introducing kids was too much at this point, but they can sure as heck meet now that we are broken up and I am getting my shampoo back! Ah, I imagine that's probably a rant for another time, and I'm really not even up for it then.

So, after the kids played for a while, we headed over to the craft store to get some supplies to take to Aunt Lisa's. I had to keep explaining to Carly that we didn't have to go on a plane to Michael's, because we were going to the craft store, and not my brother's house in Washington. Trust me, there were many tears shed for that problem...

On the way to Michael's, Alex requested a song in the car. I have decided that he has the coolest taste in music, and he can usually pick things that match moods. His request: "Living on a Prayer." Ok, this time I knew he just liked this song, since we have already had to hear it in the car four times this week. Toward the end of the song, when the bridge came along, he put his finger in the air and yelled "mom!!! What's THAT called?"

I asked what he meant, and he said the part where Jon sings "you live for the fight when that's all that you've got." The bridge. I asked him what he thought those words meant. Out of the mouths of babes....

I think he's saying it's hard living like they are living, but they keep doing it because they know it will get better. And they have each other.

Well, if I die tomorrow, I will rest easy knowing my son understands classic rock ballads...  He asked me what other songs had the bridge in them, and I explained that it happened in MANY songs. Luckily, the iPod was cued up and ready, so he was able to hear a variety of songs that had good examples. I am sure there are a million other examples, but my iPod only has a few thousand.

His observations:
1)  Apparently the 80s left a lot of guys lonely, because many of them were dealing with the loss of a woman.
2) He wants to know if writing a song is how you both get a girl, AND get over breaking up with a girl. The fact that you can do both with a song confused him (and I didn't dare bring up the movie Say Anything- he'll have a trench coat in no time).
3) He loves Glass Tiger, and "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone" is a new favorite...

So, it was a nice moment talking about music, and about feelings. Alex can be a bit quirky, but he can have some incredible moments of clarity. I really enjoy those moments, when everything seems to align and we have a really good conversation.

I dropped the kids off with my aunt, and went to a doctor to get some biospies. I ended up having to get three done, and right before I typed this, I stared at the gaping hole of one of them. Apparently they aren't too concerned about the lack of ANYTHING covering the wound? I think I'm going to smack a bandage on there for safe-keeping. They numbed the spots, but told me the real discomfort would kick in a few hours after, when all the numbing agent wore off. Well, I am 4.5 hours out, and I can tell you they were RIGHT.

When I left the appt, all I wanted was pancakes. I think it was just hearing the doctor say "these are the options for results, and it can be up two weeks to find out." Hearing those words AGAIN made me want pancakes. So, I headed back to retrieve the kids, and took them to IHOP.

Now the kids swear that they have never been to IHOP, and they LOVE it. Carly loves that there's a world map, and she can sign the continent and oceans song, and everyone claps for her. Alex likes that he can break out of his shell a bit and try a variety of syrups. I loved just seeing them so darn happy this evening.

I don't know if I have ever seen my children eat pancakes with that much enthusiasm. Alex CLEANED HIS PLATE. Carly even started working on part of my chocolate chip pancakes. I even had to mentally check to see if I fed them lunch, since I hadn't seen them eat like this in a long time (trust me, I had!).  They thanked me profusely for taking them to eat pancakes, and made me promise that we could bring Nana and Papa here when he gets home.

Back in the car, we were FINALLY headed home after a long day. The kids fell asleep after a few minutes, and I was left to listen to music, look out the window, and think about the day. It has been one heck of a day- really one heck of a weekend. I always think better with some perspective, and perhaps this drive was giving me what I needed. I switched stations, never fully committing to a song. I was out on the bypass in Shelbyville, and I looked up at the sky.

The sky was breathtaking. I rarely see the sky so clear, and with such fantastic sparkly stars in the sky. I looked behind me, and saw that there was no one behind me. So, I veered off the road onto the shoulder, and put the car in park.

Now, I am not one to park on the side of the road for long, because I know there are odd people in the world. Of course, anyone that saw me parked probably thought it was ME that was the odd one. But I did lean against the car and soak in all of that beauty. My kids were both in a pancake-induced stupor, so they didn't even open their eyes. I thought about the extremity of emotions over the past few days, and how that always leaves me with more questions than answers. I always enjoy taking moments like this, because it really shows me that some of our trivial issues don't matter in the grand scheme of the universe.  I really need to realize that sometimes, and I need to realize that life goes on no matter what I am doing.

Life has a way of continuing, no matter how stuck we may be. I thank God daily that I am aware of my life, and that I am an active participant. Sure, there may be rough days, but I like that I acknowledge my part in the grief and make steps to move on. I firmly believe that you don't realize the brilliance of the stars without the contrast of the terrifying darkness.  When life is being particularly dark, the good thing is that it can point out those few twinkling stars among us, and if we are smart we will grasp hold and never let them go.

On a night like tonight, it was calming to realize that there are forces at work far more powerful than my own being.  I liked feeling that everything was going to be ok, and that I could trust that life would go on despite me.  Sometimes I have to realize that I think WAY too much about things, and sometimes that can be a curse. So, after a few more seconds, I hopped back in the car and drove home.

When I pulled into the driveway, I looked in the rearview mirror at my little creatures in the back seat.  I knew that no matter what happened in the next twenty years, I would put my life on hold if it meant keeping them happy; I would do it in a heartbeat. I also knew that when I found the right fit, I wouldn't have to keep anything separate.  Then I realized that in a couple years' time, this idea won't even be something I think about. Life will find a way of moving on, and Alex will probably be asking a lot more questions about love songs...

Another Month Behind Me

It seems about this time every year, I get rather reflective.  I dwell on the past a bit, worry about the future, and am always unsettled about the present. I blame it on the weather--there's never a consistent week in February and March.  It can be 65 degrees one minute, and 30 and snowing the next.  Once the renewed hope of Spring comes along, everything is fine.

I thought for a bit on how I ended up at the present.  I think everyone has these moments, where they sit in bed at 3am and wonder how they ended up at this exact moment in their lives.  I told Travis that this is a perk of being married: so you can wake up the other person and tell them your troubles.  He said this is when the male's trait of selective hearing comes in handy!

I had quite a few days like this over the past month.  Don't get me wrong; I love my children, my family, friends, job and am content with my current relationship status.  I guess it's just that some well-meaning comments by people can be a catalyst for thought.  And in my case, it would be WAY too much thought...

As I typed that last statement, I had a mental picture of the face Travis would give me.  It's the goofiest and most sarcastic face, and he would say of all the people he's ever met, I would be the least likely to overthink things.  :-)

The comment came about like this: I ran into an acquaintance from high school, and was doing the three-minute catchup.  I listened to her summary, then gave her mine.  I received a "hum..."  I looked at her with a glance that asked what her problem was with my summary! Heck, I just gave her the plot for a Lifetime movie!  She told me it was nothing; just that she thought for sure I would be something else... besides a teacher.  She backed up the comment by saying I was incredibly smart, and she always figured I was destined for greatness...

Well, I have greatness, and they are named Alex and Carly Winn. :-)

I know what she meant though, and everyone probably thought a similar thought.  I was always the "smart kid" growing up, and everyone figured that my knowledge base in science, language, mathematics and life would prep me for a profession in the medical field, teaching college, or running a company.  I was quite a smartie back in high school, and I know that people thought I would take the world by storm.  And when I was in high school, I had my mind on one thing only: getting out. I was ready to get out there and show the world who was boss!

Now, I know everyone has dreams of what they might be when they grow up. And many children name the same canned responses for years.  I always knew I wanted to be a doctor, and work in the medical field. I know a lot about the body, illnesses, and medications, and how they all work together. Then how did I end up in special education?

By accident.  While I was busy being destined for greatness, I worked in a summer program for kids.  And all of the students with special needs kept mysteriously being put in my group.  Over that summer, I realized I really liked my job.  In fact, when I think about it now, it's the only teaching field where it's a perk to have a medical background (students tend to come along with many diagnosis, medications and treatments. It pays to know your stuff!).

Am I happy now? I really hate answering that question, because happiness is a fleeting emotion. I will say I am TIRED right now, because that has remained a constant amidst all of this.

I am content with where I am right now, because I know that I am doing a lot of good for a lot of kids.  For a lot of them, I am the voice that will make change happen.  Not many people can say that each day they protect the lives of many, while educating them, and ensuring their safety and emotional health. It's exhausting, but it's something I truly love.

And the future? I am halfway done with my first semester in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and I know that will be a field where I will be able to concentrate my focus.  I will be able to learn all the clinical and medical information I want, and will be able to apply it in my field.  My dream is to bridge teaching and therapy, and I am already making plans for that to happen. 

I looked at my calendar today, and realized that this time last year (well, in a few days), I had one of my truly perfect days.  I was driving to Chattanooga for work, and stopped to sit on a bench and listen to the wind chimes.  I remember I was eating a soft pretzel at the time, and the warmth of the sun on my body warmed my soul.  There was such a peace in that day, and such a calm inside me.  That was the day I knew everything would be alright, and that my life would go on just fine.  It's crazy to see what a year has done for me: I am more assertive and goal-oriented, but I have relaxed a lot more as well.  I have had more time and focused more energy on enjoying my kids, and have many more laughs over the past year.  I have gotten in much better shape (115 pounds down!) and feel fantastic!  I have worked to make and maintain female friendships, and have evaluated my relationships with men.  I have also made some fantastic memories over the course of this year, embracing the day and learning not to take myself so seriously.

Now that I think about it, how many people can say that about one year of their lives? Or even their whole life?

Looks like I did take on the world after all. :-)

Packing Up 2012

Well, I am at the end of another year. 2012 was a big one for me, because of the project and turning 30. It was also the first year that I was completely, legally (well, for tax purposes, I guess) single. The single thing had already been happening off and on for a couple of years, but it was the first year that it was all me, and everything that happened to me and the kids was because of me. It was GREAT!!

Summarizing a year takes a little bit of time. I had to stretch my mind to think back to the beginning of last year.  On New Year's Eve of 2011, I sat down to write a list of things I wanted to do before turning 30. I published my first blog post, and started this wild and crazy adventure.

Over the past year, I continued losing weight from my highest weight (in 2010, post attack).  I am now, on the last day of December 2012, at 100.2 pounds less than my starting weight! That's a whole other person!!!

I guess you could look back at the list and see all of the cool things I did. Since that would be boring and tedious, I would like to throw out there some great memories from the year. 

I learned to play the drums, while stressing my drum instructor (and friend, Mandy) to the max. I would like to say I am a pro, but that would be lying. I will say that I gave it a lot of effort, and am ready to get back to practicing.

I took a couple of adventures this year. In April, we packed up the family in the Explorer and headed to New York for my father's 50th birthday!  In July, I traveled on a road trip to Indiana and Illinois (very briefly), and in October I flew cross-country to see my new nephew, as well as the sights of Washington.

What I missed? I didn't get to ride in the hot air balloon, but that's going to happen this spring. I didn't finish my list of books, which is crazy since I am a teacher. I realized I read tons of books though, just not "classics." Maybe I should have amended that rule...  The expensive bottle of wine? Didn't do it, and thought about it quite seriously.

I realized I wanted a big moment to commemorate the purchase of an expensive bottle. Even with my birthday, I didn't feel that was big enough.  I know something will eventually be coming up, and I will feel that warrants the purchase and consumption of expensive vino. Until then, I will just hold out hope. :-)

Ups and downs of the year? I was in a relationship for a better part of the year, and it ultimately ended. I just realized after that, and looking back on other relationships, that I don't run a shelter for lost and helpless men. Maybe that's too blunt, but I was growing tired of carrying people. More than anything, that renewed my hope in finding someone that can hold their own. 

I entered into another relationship that turned out to be just that, but sometimes people can be so responsible and attempt to take on too much. There's only so much one can control, so I had to bow out. Who knows what the future will hold with that, and I always look around at more options and the fact that the best things hit me when I am not looking.

I have made good friends, laughed a lot, did some writing, and thought a lot about the future. I submitted an application, made it to round 2 interviews, and was admitted for grad school for counseling, so that is something big to look forward to. I have big life changes, and our lives are moving pretty smooth.

I made it through a year of surgeries, and am glad all of that is done! Carly started out the year with tubes in her ears and her adenoids out.  I went on to have two leg surgeries, hoping to relieve pain and restore function post-attack. When we found out that the leg surgeries were going to leave me with pain in my back and legs for the rest of my life, I was referred to a surgeon for the option of a neurostimulator in my back. I completed the trial, saw big possibilities with pain relief and restoration of function, and jumped at the chance to get the implant. Now, I am sitting on the couch with much less pain, and a hope to join the world again.  I had been powering through and doing so much. I didn't realize how miserable I was while I pushed on. I guess I was in survival mode, and just knew I needed to do the things to make me and the kids ok. I didn't have a choice to be sick.  Now I know how miserable I was, and I hope to never get back there.

The year has been incredibly insightful, and I am excited I am now at a point to embrace 2013. Last year, it just felt like I was grasping at a life and hoping for change.  This year, I am incredibly confident in who I am, and what will be happening in years to come. It's a good feeling. :-)