Well, I am at the end of another year. 2012 was a big one for me, because of the project and turning 30. It was also the first year that I was completely, legally (well, for tax purposes, I guess) single. The single thing had already been happening off and on for a couple of years, but it was the first year that it was all me, and everything that happened to me and the kids was because of me. It was GREAT!!
Summarizing a year takes a little bit of time. I had to stretch my mind to think back to the beginning of last year. On New Year's Eve of 2011, I sat down to write a list of things I wanted to do before turning 30. I published my first blog post, and started this wild and crazy adventure.
Over the past year, I continued losing weight from my highest weight (in 2010, post attack). I am now, on the last day of December 2012, at 100.2 pounds less than my starting weight! That's a whole other person!!!
I guess you could look back at the list and see all of the cool things I did. Since that would be boring and tedious, I would like to throw out there some great memories from the year.
I learned to play the drums, while stressing my drum instructor (and friend, Mandy) to the max. I would like to say I am a pro, but that would be lying. I will say that I gave it a lot of effort, and am ready to get back to practicing.
I took a couple of adventures this year. In April, we packed up the family in the Explorer and headed to New York for my father's 50th birthday! In July, I traveled on a road trip to Indiana and Illinois (very briefly), and in October I flew cross-country to see my new nephew, as well as the sights of Washington.
What I missed? I didn't get to ride in the hot air balloon, but that's going to happen this spring. I didn't finish my list of books, which is crazy since I am a teacher. I realized I read tons of books though, just not "classics." Maybe I should have amended that rule... The expensive bottle of wine? Didn't do it, and thought about it quite seriously.
I realized I wanted a big moment to commemorate the purchase of an expensive bottle. Even with my birthday, I didn't feel that was big enough. I know something will eventually be coming up, and I will feel that warrants the purchase and consumption of expensive vino. Until then, I will just hold out hope. :-)
Ups and downs of the year? I was in a relationship for a better part of the year, and it ultimately ended. I just realized after that, and looking back on other relationships, that I don't run a shelter for lost and helpless men. Maybe that's too blunt, but I was growing tired of carrying people. More than anything, that renewed my hope in finding someone that can hold their own.
I entered into another relationship that turned out to be just that, but sometimes people can be so responsible and attempt to take on too much. There's only so much one can control, so I had to bow out. Who knows what the future will hold with that, and I always look around at more options and the fact that the best things hit me when I am not looking.
I have made good friends, laughed a lot, did some writing, and thought a lot about the future. I submitted an application, made it to round 2 interviews, and was admitted for grad school for counseling, so that is something big to look forward to. I have big life changes, and our lives are moving pretty smooth.
I made it through a year of surgeries, and am glad all of that is done! Carly started out the year with tubes in her ears and her adenoids out. I went on to have two leg surgeries, hoping to relieve pain and restore function post-attack. When we found out that the leg surgeries were going to leave me with pain in my back and legs for the rest of my life, I was referred to a surgeon for the option of a neurostimulator in my back. I completed the trial, saw big possibilities with pain relief and restoration of function, and jumped at the chance to get the implant. Now, I am sitting on the couch with much less pain, and a hope to join the world again. I had been powering through and doing so much. I didn't realize how miserable I was while I pushed on. I guess I was in survival mode, and just knew I needed to do the things to make me and the kids ok. I didn't have a choice to be sick. Now I know how miserable I was, and I hope to never get back there.
The year has been incredibly insightful, and I am excited I am now at a point to embrace 2013. Last year, it just felt like I was grasping at a life and hoping for change. This year, I am incredibly confident in who I am, and what will be happening in years to come. It's a good feeling. :-)
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
My Letter to Santa
My children are at the perfect age to experience Christmas
in all of its glory.
We had a talk about what
Christmas means, and how the holiday celebrates love and giving more than
anything else. We gave in to the secular
side of things, and they went to Breakfast with Santa, lists in their
head. They know that giving is the
reason for the season, but they also had ideas of what they would like to
receive. I was truly impressed with their
questions and insight; they have had thoughtful commentary throughout this
entire month.
Alex was on my bed yesterday,
since I have been recovering from back surgery. He was talking to me about the
holiday, and he asked me “what did you ask for from Santa?”
I tried to explain that Santa really doesn’t bring things
for adults, but he cut me off…
“You said that Santa shows his love and giving to everyone,
and that we should do the same. If Santa is going to bring me my gifts, I want
him to bring you what you wish for! Did you write a letter?”
My only reply: “no…”
So, Alex challenged me with writing a letter to Santa. I sat on this for a day, because I felt like
I was really too old. I also feel like I really don’t need to ask for much,
because I am “lucky” to have all that has come to me (which shows you I have
quite a bit of survivor’s guilt from conquering so much).
Today, three days before Christmas, I decided I would write
my Christmas letter. I know I am one
person in the grand scheme of things, but I am one person that has shown loving
and caring actions throughout the year, has gone above and beyond what is
expected, and would definitely be included on Santa’s “NICE” list.
So, here goes…
Dear Santa,
I look around me, and I see so
many things I have that I am thankful for. I have two beautiful children that
have grown to be happy and well-adjusted youngsters. I have a family that loves and supports me,
and I receive support on a daily basis from my parents (we live upstairs in
their house!).
I have my work that leaves me
fulfilled on most days. I enjoy my job, and love that I am making a difference
each and every day. I am grateful for my
colleagues, that inspire me and give me new ideas, and for the feedback I get
from all of the students. It is really an honor to be included in their plan to
grow up and make something of their lives.
Over the past few years, life
has had its rough patches. There were days when I honestly didn’t want to get
out of bed, but did what had to be done. There were moments when I thought I
couldn’t handle anything more, and wondered when I would break from all the
pressures around me. There were some days when I left work, and I felt a strong
urge to take off to a distant city, just to become someone else. Just so I
could get a break from this life that was wearing me down and wearing me thin. As
time went on, I came to accept myself for what I was, and to learn to love the
me that has endured all of these obstacles. I came to find out that I was happy
with who I was, and I didn’t have to
live my life so that someone else would “complete me.”
Maybe when I made all of these
exclamations to the universe, you misunderstood me? I did say that I didn’t
need someone to complete me, but I didn’t mean that I wanted to live my life
alone!
For Christmas, I would like to
make one magical request. I know it’s a long shot, but all I’d really like for
Christmas is to know that I matter. I
think all I want in this world is to be wanted, and I guess that’s my selfish
wish. Through this past year of
self-discovery, I have completed a lot of really cool projects. I had some
great experiences, and enjoyed the world around me. What was missing? I didn’t have someone to
talk to after the days that were great, and those that were not so great. I didn’t have even the normal relationship
where I would sit and read my geeky books while he watches sports or DIY
shows. That seems like a simplistic way
to put it, but that’s it.
And when things get bad, and
life seems rough, at least you have someone on your side. Someone that is there no matter what happens. Someone that is your greatest fan, and can
see through the fog to the other side.
It’s always nice to have someone by your side when life is grand and
great things are happening. It’s more
important to have someone by your side that just keeps you moving, and
reassures you that life will continue when this stressor subsides.
I love cheesy 80s movies, and I
remember all of the great moments in John Hughes movies when the teen guy
proclaims his desire for the young female. In Say Anything, I remember watching Lloyd Dobber hold up a boom box
and play a Peter Gabriel song for his love that he lost. Really in any of the
great 80s movies, the men just jumped up, raced across town (usually in a
sports car), and proclaimed their love publicly for their women. I am not 17
anymore, but that idea is heartwarming.
I am not at a point in my life
where ideas and moments have lost their magic.
On the contrary, I was talking to my best friend Robin the other day
about what constitutes “normal” in my life. She told me my life was unbelievably
normal. It’s all the way I see things; day
after day, I see normal things as magical and special. And because I see my life as magical, it
starts to feel that way.
What’s missing for me this
holiday season? I miss that feeling of when I was younger, when someone would look
at you like you are the only other person on Earth. For a moment in time, their
thoughts are only of you. Children are really good at expressing this type of
love. Adults aren’t so great about being that vulnerable.
I imagine Santa might tell me
to pick something more attainable. He would probably say that I should mention
a specific item that I want (that I can already buy myself), or to hope for something
vague so that I can’t be dissatisfied.
But I’ve never known Santa to
be a realist…
Thanks,
Michelle
P.S. I want to wish all of my friends, family, and people I
have met along my journey a wonderful Christmas filled with love, joy, and the support
that keeps you going. There will be
peaks in life, and there will be valleys.
Take a good look around you, realize that there are people willing to
join you on your journey, and hug them like there’s no tomorrow. Situations are temporary, money and jobs are
only things, and life is meant to be appreciated for the struggles and the
victories. Wherever you are this holiday season, surround yourself with
love. Good things happen when good
people are around you.
And if you have a brown trench coat, a boom box, and an old
Peter Gabriel cassette, I will be waiting by my window.
Labels:
Christmas,
Christmas letter,
giving,
John Hughes,
kindness,
love,
Santa,
season,
support,
wish
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Today's Great Task
Tonight I decided I would tackle the task of taking photos for the Christmas card...
Let that sink in for a minute...
Yes, I decided it would be a fantastic idea for me to take many photos of a 3.5 and 5.5 year old, and require that they follow commands and remain still for even short periods of time.
I may be drinking my expensive wine sooner than I think. That was more stressful than any of my workday. Kudos to professional photographers. I was exhausted after the first ten minutes.
But, cute things happened! I will say I am rather impressed with the results, and with my genetic contribution to the two most adorable kids on Earth!!! :-D
Let that sink in for a minute...
Yes, I decided it would be a fantastic idea for me to take many photos of a 3.5 and 5.5 year old, and require that they follow commands and remain still for even short periods of time.
I may be drinking my expensive wine sooner than I think. That was more stressful than any of my workday. Kudos to professional photographers. I was exhausted after the first ten minutes.
But, cute things happened! I will say I am rather impressed with the results, and with my genetic contribution to the two most adorable kids on Earth!!! :-D
Saturday, November 17, 2012
In the beginning...
Every project of mine starts with scattered notes... Post-its are the worst. I will write my ideas down as I think of them, and this usually means there are random comments and phrases scattered around my workspace.
I took quite a bit of time thinking about this project. I already had a list of things in my head that I wanted to do before I turned 40. I will admit that I already have lists of things for many more decades to come. I am a planner by nature, and I enjoy at least feeling like life's in order. I took a look at where I wanted to be in my life at 40, and realized it was drastically different from 30. There are some adventures I'd like to take, but I really want to settle down. I want to focus on family, and on raising children with a loving and supportive home. I still want to have goals for my career and social life, but the main focus of my life at this point is making sure my children receive what they need to help them blossom.
I want to be sure not to neglect myself in the process, which is why I created a list of only ten items to be spread over 10 years. I want to enjoy the projects, and the planning involved. I want to live my life without feeling rushed (because having children makes some days feel rushed as it is!). I am taking a good look at who I am today, and it's strange to think I will be sitting here in ten years taking another good look at my life.
I will spend more time later talking about the list, and why I chose those items. For now, I wanted to provide a list for those of you that click on the link from my past site.
Well, here it is!
1. Travel to New Orleans and visit the Before I Die Wall
2. Own a house with a wrap-around porch
3. Get a third tattoo
4. Get a second Masters Degree
5. Travel to NH/VT to see the Fall Foliage
6. Travel along the coast and take pictures of lighthouses
7. Visit Las Vegas and eat wedding cake from Freed's Bakery
8. Return to the beach, and REMEMBER it!
9. Write and publish my book
10. Create social change (this is vague, and for a reason. I'll explain more later...)
So, there you go! A list of ten items that I need to complete by the time I am 40. It's a list that's balanced with travel and life goals. I have been looking at many of these items for the past few years, so it's good to have them on paper. I'll be back to explain more later!
I took quite a bit of time thinking about this project. I already had a list of things in my head that I wanted to do before I turned 40. I will admit that I already have lists of things for many more decades to come. I am a planner by nature, and I enjoy at least feeling like life's in order. I took a look at where I wanted to be in my life at 40, and realized it was drastically different from 30. There are some adventures I'd like to take, but I really want to settle down. I want to focus on family, and on raising children with a loving and supportive home. I still want to have goals for my career and social life, but the main focus of my life at this point is making sure my children receive what they need to help them blossom.
I want to be sure not to neglect myself in the process, which is why I created a list of only ten items to be spread over 10 years. I want to enjoy the projects, and the planning involved. I want to live my life without feeling rushed (because having children makes some days feel rushed as it is!). I am taking a good look at who I am today, and it's strange to think I will be sitting here in ten years taking another good look at my life.
I will spend more time later talking about the list, and why I chose those items. For now, I wanted to provide a list for those of you that click on the link from my past site.
Well, here it is!
1. Travel to New Orleans and visit the Before I Die Wall
2. Own a house with a wrap-around porch
3. Get a third tattoo
4. Get a second Masters Degree
5. Travel to NH/VT to see the Fall Foliage
6. Travel along the coast and take pictures of lighthouses
7. Visit Las Vegas and eat wedding cake from Freed's Bakery
8. Return to the beach, and REMEMBER it!
9. Write and publish my book
10. Create social change (this is vague, and for a reason. I'll explain more later...)
So, there you go! A list of ten items that I need to complete by the time I am 40. It's a list that's balanced with travel and life goals. I have been looking at many of these items for the past few years, so it's good to have them on paper. I'll be back to explain more later!
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