In Jean-Paul Sartre's work, Existentialism is a Humanism, I found the words:
"...man first of all exists, encounters himself, surges up in the world – and defines himself afterwards."
Take a good minute or two and let that sink in.
And my friend, John Bon Jovi mentioned something of similar lines...
"you live for the fight when that's all that you've got."
Yes, I just compared Sartre in a roundabout way to Bon Jovi. I feel like if I explain, I will weaken my association. But, to keep from being called crazy, here goes...
I was thinking yesterday about how I existed all of these years, but only really LIVED for the past two. I know I can dig up all sorts of quotes on finding myself and taking risks, but that's not really the point. I have been around for thirty years, there's no doubt. It's these constant encounters with myself--the grit and glitter that I am made of-- this is when I finally figure out what defines me.
I am not saying I felt this inspirational all weekend. In fact, I had a HARD time. The exhaustion is setting in, and I have moments where I want to sob. I am so tired of being so tired, and extremely exhausted from keeping all the plates spinning in the air.
"This is the good type of cancer to have."
"There's a great chance of no recurrence."
"If you can be sick, this is what you would want."
Excuse me, but who the hell says this stuff?!?
I know people are trying to be comforting in their own strange way, but I don't tell a person in a wheelchair "at least you don't have your legs chopped off!" And I don't tell people with disfiguring scars from catastrophic events, "at least you are still alive."
Because I know that these words are ridiculous, and don't validate the pain they feel. It also doesn't validate the struggle they are enduring, and maybe this is me entering the "angry" phase of grief.
And this is where Bon Jovi comforted me, this morning while getting ready for work. They were on the rotation for Shower Music, and I took a good look in the mirror when I heard the words "you live for the fight when that's all that you've got."
And that's exactly how I am feeling right now. I am in this because I have nothing left. And as my friend pointed out very bluntly today... "it's better than the alternative..."
And I wanted to hug her, and thank her for not sugar-coating it. :-)
I have thought a lot about my purpose in life, about why I was sent here and what I am supposed to do before I leave. I am not saying I am getting all my affairs in order, but I do want to make my moments with people count. Heck, none of us knows when our time is over. I just got a bigger jolt of this reality.
Right now, I feel like these strange and terrible events in my life have been my "surging up in the world." Each event, both during and after the encounter, defines me. I guess I'd like to think that my grief and struggle are forming me into a tough cookie. But not too tough--when you see the world, and all of it's beauty, and wonder how many more sunrises you will see in your life, I dare you not to shed a tear.
I was talking to a student the other day about the speech she will be giving at the Awards Night, as well as at graduation. I told her about a song that came out around graduation time when I graduated high school. It was entitled, "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen." If you haven't heard it, it was written based on a speech to a graduating class, and it gave all the wisdom one older person wanted to share with the youth. I have attached a clip below:
http://youtu.be/sTJ7AzBIJoI
I have always known that I wanted to teach two things to my students--first, to encourage them to take risks and go out and find things they are passionate about. The second thing is to not be afraid to love people around you, and tell them how you feel. People are so ready to tell people negative things, and to crush dreams of those around them. There aren't many people out there that are itching to take risks, make mistakes, and love the people around them without fear of being hurt.
After watching the video, and reminiscing of my youth, I decided I wanted to write something to my seniors (and juniors really, because they need to hear this). These students have been with me for almost two years, and I hope they've learned SOMETHING through their time with me. Graduating high school is quite a big deal--it's the start of opportunities, risks, and LIFE. I kind of feel like I am sitting on the other side, thirteen years later, looking back and seeing what really mattered.
So, my project for the next week is to write my words of wisdom. Will they listen to it all? I hope that it strikes a nerve with them, or at least that it's something they tuck away for later (to see if I was right!). Regardless, now is the time to tell them how fantastic they are, how much possibility lies before them, and that most of the mistakes they make really won't matter in the end.
It seemed like a daunting task, but then I thought to myself:
"If I can bring Bon Jovi and Sartre together, I think I can handle this..."
:-)
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