Tremors

When I hear the word "tremors," I think of that really bad Kevin Bacon Movie that had those strange reptile-like creatures that attack a town. I guess that was all the attention I gave to the word, until the past few years.

Back in 2009, when I had Carly, some strange things started happening. I had always noticed my hand had a sort of tremor to it--people always commented on how I didn't need to be nervous, and I was always confused because I had no idea what they were talking about.  By 2009, apparently they were noticed enough to be called something. I had some issues with tremors and with weakness, and was given the dx of essential tremor. I had never heard of the term, and when I googled it, I only really got a clear picture once I saw that Katharine Hepburn had it, and that wasn't a great picture.  Essential tremor is often familial, and I had a feeling it was a fairly accurate diagnosis once I noted to the doctor that both my mother and grandmother (her mom) have the same tremor that has gotten pretty bad. Awesome...

Flash forward a few years. I dealt with a pretty significant injury, recovery from injury and illness, and returned to work and got a divorce. Life had seemed to smooth out, but it wasn't without notice of the tremor. During the time of my injury and illness, some of the symptoms were not as noticeable because I was on so many medications (and probably I was so drugged I didn't take note of the symptoms!).  It was really in the past three years that everything really got worse.

I remember having students constantly commenting about my hands that shook when I tried to teach and write on the board, and how much work it took for me to write neatly and hide these issues. I remember going in to meetings and knowing my hand was going to shake violently, so I would position it under my notepad or between my legs. I remember all of these things because I had to pay attention to my symptoms just to get by. I didn't want to deal with ANOTHER setback, so I just ignored it and coped the best I could.

It was during the past couple of months that I really began to notice it again. I had low calcium levels after my thyroidectomy, so they had been blaming my floppy and shaky hands on those levels. The truth is, my hands are pretty consistent no matter what the levels are doing at the moment, we just gave the calcium all the credit for causing such grief.  We looked at medication side effects and any other reason that this might be happening. Never mind I had already been told what it was a few years ago.  Maybe I just wanted someone to explain it away; to give it a reason that could be solved by a simple exercise or a pill. Not that I wanted an easy answer, but I didn't want to get a diagnosis in which there wasn't much at all that could be done.

I have had the tremors and spasms for quite some time, and also some issues with my balance. I have to wonder if that's the whole reason I broke my leg and tore my ACL in the first place- my balance has been TERRIBLE.  After having a nerve block for my surgery, it seemed to awaken the spasms and tremors in my left leg, which has made dealing with recovery absolutely terrible. I told the orthopedic surgeon about my issue, and was assured that it happened to many people as their nerves learn how to wake up again. That didn't explain the years of issues in my hands, and the domino effect of spasms through my body.

I went to therapy last week, and have been progressing pretty well. I was given a fairly simple exercise in which I had to use my balance on one leg to bend over and touch a ball to the top of a cone. It wasn't a very complicated task, but I couldn't do it. I became so frustrated, that I spent about 20 minutes trying the task before I FINALLY made it to ten successful attempts (and that was the therapist calling number 10 "successful" because he was tired of waiting). I guess until that moment, when I was almost in tears because my brain wouldn't let my body complete a task: THAT was when it all hit me. My body doesn't do what I tell it, and it terrifies me. There are tears streaming down my cheeks as I type this paragraph.

The first thing I think of is writing, oddly enough. I have had a little bit of a hard time with typing already, and have just had to do it in small doses. But handwriting has been another issue. Since I've been out of work, I haven't had to write nearly as many notes or paperwork that I normally do, so I didn't really realize the issues until I was trying to fill out a form at a dr's office. NOT pretty. I also noticed that I used to write in journals OFTEN before bed, to get my thoughts out before sleep. There's dust on the journal, because the last time I tried to sit and write my thoughts, it took too much effort to make the words look right.  That's something I really like doing, and I stopped doing it.

I don't want to sit here and complain about my life. Really, I'm not. I read a book by a woman with ALS, and she typed the entire book using the Notes program on her iPhone. She used one finger to type an ENTIRE book, and I seem like I am complaining about not being able to journal about my day's events. It's not that--I guess I am coping with the realization that something's off, and my life's not going back to normal. If essential tremor is the only diagnosis at work here, it's progressive. There's things that can help, but it doesn't mysteriously disappear. It often gets much worse.

Just looking at how I feel today, and what I have attempted to do in a fairly stress-free setting, I am seriously concerned about returning to work and back to the pace I maintain there. I am supposed to be visiting a new neurologist in the next couple of weeks, and I hope she will give me some advice on how I can maintain my independence. The major tasks haven't become a chore, but some of the fine motor things have gotten hard. Sitting and punching out paper dolls for Carly isn't really something that HAS to be done, but it is something I want to be able to do, and it's something that I don't think should take an hour to do. I want to be able to open doors and jars, and unbutton my own pants. I like the fact that I can go to the store, get the items I need, and bring them hope and put them away. I don't want to give up my independence, and I guess these changes have made me realize how important that independence is to me.

The intention of this post, I guess, is to give you a glimpse into my world. As awesome of a life that I have, with cute kids and a great supportive family, it can suck at times. There are days when I am exhausted because my muscles spent the night before hopping about, leaving me feeling like I've run a marathon. There's so much I want to do with my kids and for my kids, and it hurts me when my intentions can't meet my actions. And yes, even though life is grand right now, I am scared about the future. I am already sad that my children have had to endure a divorce, an absent father, and a mother with cancer. I really don't think they need to carry any more for a while.  I think they'd like a period where everything is calm, and mommy feels good. I push through and participate in activities, and hope that my body will recover in the night. It just seems like my days of making up for things are running out, and I am now paying the price for overdoing it.

I do have hope though, and that can be a very powerful thing. I know that I am a smart and resourceful person, and I'll use my abilities and resources to get me where I need to be. I have an incredibly supportive family that tries really hard to make sure that we are taken care of, and I have friends that offer support in many different forms. I know that there are worse things that can happen in life, but honestly I also know there are better things too. I guess I just have to maintain that hope in my future, and the faith that everything will work out alright. I already have two of the coolest children that I've ever been blessed to know, so I guess I'm ahead of the game. :-)

Symptoms

I was thinking about life today, as I dropped the kids off to school. Since I've been home with my injury/illness, one of the pleasures I have enjoyed is getting to drop off my children for school each morning.  It's sad that all of these years, I've been missing out on this simple task. There's nothing cooler than saying goodbye and love you to Alex, and getting the wink and thumbs up in return. Carly has enjoyed the car chats, but she's used to riding with me in the mornings. After dropping her off, my mind began to wander as I headed to the grocery store.

I started thinking about different people I knew, and their current life situations. I guess the beauty of having a wide friend base is that I have so many friends with so many different paths. The hard thing, though, is hearing when so many friends are hurting, or are having trouble in their lives.  I thought about what would be the secret that could solve all of their hurt? If there was one major defect I could claim, it would be that I care to much about helping fix other people. Sometimes I wished it didn't matter so much to me to see people doing well.

As I turned into the Kroger parking lot, the word "symptoms" popped into my head. We all think of symptoms when we describe our ailments to the doctor. But the same thing happens with the doctor- unless she gets to the root of the problem, she will never be successful just treating the symptoms. The cause will always be there, and the pain will never go away.

I have had some severe issues with body image in the past.  Apparently, somewhere down the line, I was given the idea that if I had enough control of the world around me, that everything was going to be ok.  And since controlling the world was unrealistic, I could at least control what went into and on my body, right? Suffice it to say that this line of thinking will lead you down a very serious path (with consequences that go on for the rest of your life).

Now, if a doctor told me "you just need to eat more calories," or "it's mind over matter- stop exercising!" or "treat your body as a temple!" or even prescribed some medication, I doubt that was going to do any good. It was only going to take a stab at the symptoms, and wasn't addressing the real issue. I think it's funny that many people will hem and haw about their symptoms all day, but no one wants to address the big problem; you know, the one that could actually SOLVE things and help people!

So, what helped me? Talking to someone about my pain, making a plan for recovery, and realizing that I didn't have to be in control of the world around me. And more than anything: I WASN'T RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S HAPPINESS. Surely I could help them, and I love to be supportive and listen, but I can't make anyone HAPPY. I can't make anyone do anything, and that's life.  And my self-worth wasn't contingent on what someone else thinks of me. Simple as that.

For a person that has an issue with relationships, the symptoms sometimes don't come from there. Sometimes that person pulls away from people around them because of lack of confidence and self-worth, or drinks too much because the tension of being alone can be too much. There are ways of coping that are healthy and strong, but unfortunately too many people learn ways that lead to self-destruction.

We follow these patterns until something wakes us up. Sometimes we are our own wake-up call, and sometimes it is because we are in a hospital, or had a DUI, or have lost everything that we loved. Sometimes there are moments in our life that come along, and their sole purpose is to shake us and make us realize what the real problem is.  Because let's face it: ending up in a hospital, wrecking a car and having a DUI, or losing your family and relationships surely doesn't happen if everything's peachy.

But how do we figure out what the problem is, and then how to address it? I have a theory, but I haven't really tested it out. I think that for the most part, all problems can be boiled down into two different major issues: abandonment or lack of self-worth.  Hear me out... When we break up with someone, is it the idea of losing that person, or is it the idea of being ALONE that scares us more? When a marriage ends, do we miss that person, or do we miss the status of husband, father, and all the other roles we filled in that position? We have to find a new normal, and we have to address those feelings of abandonment. Someone didn't want you, and it sucks. Yes, that oversimplified matters, but until we address it, no amount of drinking, erratic behavior or self-loathing is going to make it better. Maybe it takes a good talk in the mirror. Maybe it takes being real with the people around us, and TALKING to those we care about.

Self-loathing. I didn't address it above, because I think this deserves it's own paragraph. There are so many people that don't feel they have worth, and it makes me sad. We all have situations that happen in our lives, and how we react and respond to much of it determines what we think of ourselves in the end. I am sad to hear so many people talk about how terrible they feel about themselves. I guess I can't say I am surprised, because I used to be one of those people. And when a bad thing happened, I would be the first to ask "what did I do that caused this person to treat me this way?" Heaven forbid I realize that I have no control over how people choose to act, and no amount of self-hatred is going to make people do anything!  I know that a lot of our confidence comes from our early interactions in life, and that changes in time, as we encounter the good and bad situations in life. There's nothing like a radical change in your life to shake up your security- go through a divorce (no matter how amicable), and try being easy on yourself after that!  When everything that you held to be true has been questioned and changed, that is the time in our lives when we are least likely to be kind to ourselves.

So between those two issues, it's no wonder people end up in strange predicaments. Honestly, it's amazing more people don't have dependency issues, credit card debt, STDs, and court cases from erratic behavior.  These issues come out because the earlier problem isn't being addressed, and sadly we wait to judge people until we see the results.  Where are people when the problems are happening- why can't these people be shoulders to cry on?

I do think there needs to be more people to listen, but I am offering to be one of them. I also challenge you to be a shoulder, and to really look around at the people you love.  Are they hurting, and is there something you can do to help them address the underlying problem, instead of the symptom? Sometimes there are really small actions on your part that can make a BIG difference in the lives of those you love (or even those you barely know).  I also think a major part of talking about our problems is making everything less taboo. In me telling the story about my issues, I am hoping other people will open up and talk about their demons. There are struggles that so many of us have in common, and I hope and pray that among all of my friends and acquaintances, that many can be helped along on their journeys.

What is holding you back? What do you think is causing your "symptoms"?

Pancakes, Biopsies, Stars, and The Bridge

Today started out in a rather blah state. I have gone through night three of no sleep, so as you can imagine I am REALLY TIRED. The kids had off school for MLK holiday, so we packed a few adventures into our day.

Our first stop was really tying up loose ends. I said I hated doing it, but I guess it had to be done. So, the kids and I headed over to the park to retrieve a few of my items from my latest Boyfriend (man #12, whatever you want to call him...). The irony struck me- the fact that commitment of introducing kids was too much at this point, but they can sure as heck meet now that we are broken up and I am getting my shampoo back! Ah, I imagine that's probably a rant for another time, and I'm really not even up for it then.

So, after the kids played for a while, we headed over to the craft store to get some supplies to take to Aunt Lisa's. I had to keep explaining to Carly that we didn't have to go on a plane to Michael's, because we were going to the craft store, and not my brother's house in Washington. Trust me, there were many tears shed for that problem...

On the way to Michael's, Alex requested a song in the car. I have decided that he has the coolest taste in music, and he can usually pick things that match moods. His request: "Living on a Prayer." Ok, this time I knew he just liked this song, since we have already had to hear it in the car four times this week. Toward the end of the song, when the bridge came along, he put his finger in the air and yelled "mom!!! What's THAT called?"

I asked what he meant, and he said the part where Jon sings "you live for the fight when that's all that you've got." The bridge. I asked him what he thought those words meant. Out of the mouths of babes....

I think he's saying it's hard living like they are living, but they keep doing it because they know it will get better. And they have each other.

Well, if I die tomorrow, I will rest easy knowing my son understands classic rock ballads...  He asked me what other songs had the bridge in them, and I explained that it happened in MANY songs. Luckily, the iPod was cued up and ready, so he was able to hear a variety of songs that had good examples. I am sure there are a million other examples, but my iPod only has a few thousand.

His observations:
1)  Apparently the 80s left a lot of guys lonely, because many of them were dealing with the loss of a woman.
2) He wants to know if writing a song is how you both get a girl, AND get over breaking up with a girl. The fact that you can do both with a song confused him (and I didn't dare bring up the movie Say Anything- he'll have a trench coat in no time).
3) He loves Glass Tiger, and "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone" is a new favorite...

So, it was a nice moment talking about music, and about feelings. Alex can be a bit quirky, but he can have some incredible moments of clarity. I really enjoy those moments, when everything seems to align and we have a really good conversation.

I dropped the kids off with my aunt, and went to a doctor to get some biospies. I ended up having to get three done, and right before I typed this, I stared at the gaping hole of one of them. Apparently they aren't too concerned about the lack of ANYTHING covering the wound? I think I'm going to smack a bandage on there for safe-keeping. They numbed the spots, but told me the real discomfort would kick in a few hours after, when all the numbing agent wore off. Well, I am 4.5 hours out, and I can tell you they were RIGHT.

When I left the appt, all I wanted was pancakes. I think it was just hearing the doctor say "these are the options for results, and it can be up two weeks to find out." Hearing those words AGAIN made me want pancakes. So, I headed back to retrieve the kids, and took them to IHOP.

Now the kids swear that they have never been to IHOP, and they LOVE it. Carly loves that there's a world map, and she can sign the continent and oceans song, and everyone claps for her. Alex likes that he can break out of his shell a bit and try a variety of syrups. I loved just seeing them so darn happy this evening.

I don't know if I have ever seen my children eat pancakes with that much enthusiasm. Alex CLEANED HIS PLATE. Carly even started working on part of my chocolate chip pancakes. I even had to mentally check to see if I fed them lunch, since I hadn't seen them eat like this in a long time (trust me, I had!).  They thanked me profusely for taking them to eat pancakes, and made me promise that we could bring Nana and Papa here when he gets home.

Back in the car, we were FINALLY headed home after a long day. The kids fell asleep after a few minutes, and I was left to listen to music, look out the window, and think about the day. It has been one heck of a day- really one heck of a weekend. I always think better with some perspective, and perhaps this drive was giving me what I needed. I switched stations, never fully committing to a song. I was out on the bypass in Shelbyville, and I looked up at the sky.

The sky was breathtaking. I rarely see the sky so clear, and with such fantastic sparkly stars in the sky. I looked behind me, and saw that there was no one behind me. So, I veered off the road onto the shoulder, and put the car in park.

Now, I am not one to park on the side of the road for long, because I know there are odd people in the world. Of course, anyone that saw me parked probably thought it was ME that was the odd one. But I did lean against the car and soak in all of that beauty. My kids were both in a pancake-induced stupor, so they didn't even open their eyes. I thought about the extremity of emotions over the past few days, and how that always leaves me with more questions than answers. I always enjoy taking moments like this, because it really shows me that some of our trivial issues don't matter in the grand scheme of the universe.  I really need to realize that sometimes, and I need to realize that life goes on no matter what I am doing.

Life has a way of continuing, no matter how stuck we may be. I thank God daily that I am aware of my life, and that I am an active participant. Sure, there may be rough days, but I like that I acknowledge my part in the grief and make steps to move on. I firmly believe that you don't realize the brilliance of the stars without the contrast of the terrifying darkness.  When life is being particularly dark, the good thing is that it can point out those few twinkling stars among us, and if we are smart we will grasp hold and never let them go.

On a night like tonight, it was calming to realize that there are forces at work far more powerful than my own being.  I liked feeling that everything was going to be ok, and that I could trust that life would go on despite me.  Sometimes I have to realize that I think WAY too much about things, and sometimes that can be a curse. So, after a few more seconds, I hopped back in the car and drove home.

When I pulled into the driveway, I looked in the rearview mirror at my little creatures in the back seat.  I knew that no matter what happened in the next twenty years, I would put my life on hold if it meant keeping them happy; I would do it in a heartbeat. I also knew that when I found the right fit, I wouldn't have to keep anything separate.  Then I realized that in a couple years' time, this idea won't even be something I think about. Life will find a way of moving on, and Alex will probably be asking a lot more questions about love songs...

Listen...

I have thought about those moments in your life that you will always remember; I guess it's the ones that give you a strong emotional reaction. When I feel strong feelings in my body, you will bet I will remember the moment for many years to come.

There have been utterly fantastic moments that have caused those feelings, but there have also been tough times.  I have always maintained that despite the rough patches, I lead an utterly awesome life.  I have appreciated all the moments that have come my way, even if I didn't really enjoy them at the time.

Breakups are never easy.  I don't know anyone that enjoys the process.  I will say that over the years, I have had some times that I was really invested, and other times that I was rather ambivalent about breaking up with someone.

When I got a divorce, I took a long look at my life, and at who I was.  I saw that I was an incredibly strong woman, but I didn't enjoy getting hurt.  I don't think it was a conscious decision, but a giant wall was built around my heart.  I did a really good job of letting people believe I was attached while maintaining a safe distance.  I figured it would be easier to move on if I didn't have my whole life invested.

As you can imagine, this didn't do much more than buy me time. I went through a few relationships, and knew that at least part of their demise had to do with me shutting part of myself off from people.  So, fairly recently, I sat myself down and had a good talk. I was over with the idea of maintaining my wall; it was time for the wall to come tumbling down.

A few months ago, I started dating someone. Everything moved pretty smoothly, and I could feel the wall starting to come down. I am a good-natured and pretty easy-going person, but I always wanted to make sure I wasn't invested so I couldn't get hurt. I thought I'd give it a try, this idea of letting my guard down.

Well, strange things happen when I let my guard down: I start to have actual feelings for people. Now this is where it gets tricky. In the grand scheme of things, it seems that we are all just meandering about, with all of our insecurities and issues, and we are waiting until we bump into someone that is at the same place we are at.  This might mean that some of us aren't over past loves, some of us prefer to be stuck in our current state, or some of us don't want to take a good look in the mirror and admit what is going on in our lives.  Regardless of the reasons, I know that it takes an awful lot to make two people make it work. It almost seems like the stars have to be aligned perfectly.

And a relationship is only as strong as the least-invested person.  When that person doesn't really know what he wants, you can imagine how strong THAT relationship is...  I think it's best at that moment to abort mission.

Doesn't mean that everything feels good though.  Honestly it sucks. I think what sucks more than anything is that "told you so" moment I had, looking myself in the mirror after the phone call. I took a good long look at myself, and silently thought "see what happens when you let your guard down? How does THAT feel?"  I'll tell you- it doesn't feel good.

But thankfully I am a smart woman, and I have some wits about me. I know that I am a fantastic human being, and I know I'll always land on my feet. I know there's a guy out there that is thrilled at the prospect of listening to my incredibly detailed stories, of seeing the spark that is in my eyes when I talk about my hopes and dreams, that wants to build a life and a family, and that is ready to move forward toward his goals. 

There are too many "stuck" people out there, and, frankly, I am growing tired of dealing with them. You can only say the same speech so many times before you want to shake them, you know?  I am excited with hope for my future, and I know that there will be amazing things that even happen in a year's time. Does tonight suck, because I had to realize that letting my guard down means getting hurt? YES.  Will I get over it and move on? YES, I always do. Fortunately, regret is on my side, because I take the chances and even make the mistakes. 

I feel sorry for the people that have to wonder "what if" many years later.

By then, it may be too late.

Can You Really "Have It All?"

I was driving to Nashville on Friday, and that gave me a lot of time to think.  Probably my favorite thing to do is drive when I have decisions to make; there's something about the road that lulls my brain into the space where thoughts are lucid and come so freely.

I had just stopped by the hospital to greet a new life. My best friend, Robin, had a baby boy, and I was very eager to hold him.  There's just about nothing cooler than holding a baby within twenty-four hours of the start of life.  He had that nice "new baby scent," and just sat there sleeping. My favorite thing is watching them try to open their eyes and look at you; they are still figuring out how to work the muscles, which makes for some interesting expressions.  I couldn't be happier for Robin, knowing that she had wanted another child for a while.  While I know that my baby days are over (thankfully!), I was excited to have another baby around. I like holding them and playing with them, then going home to sleep through the night in my own house... :-)

Here's the new little man, with his whole life ahead of him... Cute stuff! :-)



Back to the drive...

I was thinking about how much my life had changed in the past few months.  Thinking about surgery, some medical stuff, my job, life stresses, career paths, new relationships, and the steady calm that has started to take over where the kids are concerned.  Sure, there have been hiccups, but life has been overall "decent," and that can be a really good thing.

Then I had a thought- there's a lot of good stuff that can happen in the next year, and a lot of changes I can make to ensure I am leading a calmer life of purpose. Can I really "have it all?"  I hear people use that phrase, and I often wonder what that even means.  Surely life can't go perfectly 100% of the time? Or maybe I am just getting a bad deal out of this, and people really do have such seamless lives?

I spent Saturday with Jason, and had an absolutely fantastic day. We started off with breakfast at Cracker Barrel, went to The Frist Center to see some art (I had NEVER been before!), stopped in at Union Station Hotel to look around (again, had NEVER been there either!), ate lunch at Olive Garden, and went to see the Predators play that evening.  Even rounded out the evening eating leftover pizza and chocolate chip cookies on the couch.  Seems like a lot of pretty cool stuff, but I started thinking about all of that.

And I realized...

I think for a day, I had it all.  I spent a day of relaxing adventures (if that's possible) with someone I cared for.  Exploring art exhibits (even if they induced vertigo), enjoying the beautiful sunshine outside, taking a Saturday afternoon nap, eating pasta, great conversation, a rousing hockey game with a couple brawls, and feeling a hand reach for my during the game.  Strolling along Broadway, looking at the lights and listening to the chatter and music while headed to the car. Chatting about life while eating cookies on the couch. And falling asleep knowing that everything is going to be quite alright. Does it get any better?

I know every day isn't going to be like this. There are going to be ups and downs that happen, and that's just life. But I remember something that Robin told me a while back.  I was telling her a story about something that happened to me, and I wondered aloud if this stuff happened to other people. She said...

"You can make hugging a trucker in a Walmart parking lot sound exciting. You look for magic in everyday things, and that's why you find it. It has to be a special world- what you see through your eyes."

And she's right. I'm so thankful that I am conscious of these things around me. Because I notice them; THAT'S what makes it so special. Because I see the good that can happen, and notice the little moments, the glances and winks, and the warm hand holding mine on a crisp evening. I see the magic that happens in the every day, and that probably makes typical days seem extra special.

And with that mindset, I imagine I can have it all. I feel like, for the most part, I am getting there. There's a whole lot of possibility on the horizon, and I'm pretty excited about the ride. :-)

This is how excited I look after eating a funnel cake, and knowing that I haven't covered my body in powdered sugar...  I think he's excited I won't be tracking the "snow" back to his new car... ;-)

On Grief and Loss

Dealing with grief and loss can be a tough subject; when we talk about grieving the death of someone, we are entertaining two realities.  We have to deal with the idea that our loved one is no longer suffering, or found a peaceful way to go, but we are also looking at how our lives and roles will change now that she is gone.  I have met a lot of people that have advice on the topic, but no one has really clear answers.

Last night my maternal grandmother died.  She was only forty years older than me, and even though she was sick for some time, the shock still hit me.  Needless to say, I had a lot of strange dreams and a fairly sleepless night.  This morning I woke up and went to the doctor. I needed to get my mind off what happened, and figure out what I needed to do.  When bad things happen, I like to keep busy. I'm sure it doesn't do anything else than distract me, but my nervous energy can exhaust others.

When I came home, I asked my mother if I could do something. She had pulled out a picture of my grandparents to take with her on the trip, and I remarked that I liked the old black and white photos from my grandparents' wedding better. My mother agreed, but there was a problem: the wedding photos were on the wall at the cabin (2.5 hours away)...

Sounds like a distraction for me! I put Alex in the car and told him we were going on an adventure!  We headed off down the road, and it was a peaceful drive.  We talked about grandma, and about death.  He asked a lot of questions, and I gave fairly truthful answers.  We talked about memories of me growing up with her, and things I learned from having her around.  The conversation proved to be very therapeutic for me- I needed reminders of the good times.

After a while, he fell asleep.  I started thinking about my life, and about the fact that her illness consumed most of my memories.  She had good times, but she endured a lot of rain as well.  I guess I just knew that no matter how hard it is to say goodbye, knowing there is no more rain in heaven seems like a good ending.

When I drove up to the mountain, Alex was still asleep.  I had something to do before retrieving the photos...

I pulled up to the boat dock and got out of the car. I looked in the backseat, and Alex had his head resting on the door (he was OUT!).  I took my phone with me into the frigid air, and walked up to the water.  No one was there, because it was WINTER, and I knew I'd have some peace. I cued up "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" on the iPhone, and stared out at the water.  It was so peaceful and serene, as I listened to the lyrics:

"So take the photographs and still frames in your mind,

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial,

For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life."

I picked up a stone and attempted to skip it out into the water, but it made a giant PLOP instead. I chuckled out loud, because even I could make a peaceful moment seem awkward.  I think Grandma might have appreciated the humor more than the overall gesture.

For as much rain that happened, there were good times too. I remember she taught me how to cook, and enlisted me to help make French toast every time I came to her house. That was a memory I was very conscious of when I taught Carly how to crack an egg for the first time.

And I remember reading a Mother Goose Rhymes book with her at her house. A few years ago, I stumbled across an old copy in a used bookstore in Hendersonville, TN, and squealed with delight.  This is something I could pass on to the next generation.

I was talking with someone on the phone today, and he mentioned traditions, and how we lose them with each generation.  He was right; that is probably the saddest part of losing someone.  Sometimes the legacy isn't carried on, but sometimes there is room for new traditions.  Sometimes we teach our children French toast recipes and nursery rhymes, and sometimes we invent new holiday traditions.  These moments draw on the good memories and help us feel close to our family line, and to the ones we've lost.

"So make the best of this test, and don't ask why.

It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time."

Yes, I am moving backwards in the song, but it is for a reason. Part of my evolution as a human being and as a whole person involved my grandmother. I really don't need to get into details, but I can say that I started out with so many more questions than answers.  While we don't want to lose people, perhaps it happened at the right time.  I'm finally at the point where I have learned the lessons, and where I am at peace.  I feel that is the same with a lot of family members, and maybe this is the way it needed to happen.  And I will be forever grateful that my mother shared last night (hours before her mother's passing) that she had a wonderful conversation with her mother that day.  Moments of closure are worth so much, and I know that this will provide my mother a lot of comfort in the days ahead.

Please say a special prayer for our family tonight.  It's always hard to simultaneously entertain those two realities of the relief of suffering, and missing a family member.  I brought the photos home to hand to my parents, and was thanked for my efforts.  I was thankful for the opportunity to help out, but I would say the closure I received today was most valuable of all.

From a tiny seed...

Carly and I were riding around the Puyallup, WA area, and she was remarking how big the trees were in the area. This was true- the fantastically gigantic evergreens looked like they soared up to the sky.  She asked where trees like that came from, and my response was:

"No matter how big the tree, each tree comes from a tiny little seed. Somewhere along the way, this tiny little seed was buried, nurtured, and given the space to grow, and a gigantic tree came forth."

To which she responded: "how on Earth does that happen?"

Me: "Potential.  There's an amazing amount of potential in a tiny little seed. We all have the capacity for greatness already within us. And the capacity for a tree so great starts out in a tiny little seed."


I enjoy moments like that, when it seems I am having such an existential discussion with my daughter, and when I can glean some wisdom from it as well.

Lately, I've been struggling with my purpose. More specifically, I've been looking at how I can fulfill my purpose while maintaining my roles that I fill in my everyday life.  This has honestly taken a lot of introspection, a lot of thought about what makes me tick and what makes me thrive, and the decision that I don't want to live in a fog. I want to experience the world around me, and feel that I am leading a balanced life.

This means I took a look back to my roots, and examined how I came into the career of teaching special education. I'm not going to lie: when I was in college, I wanted nothing more than to write books about social issues, about groups of people and grand experiments.  I was making so many observations about the human condition, and I wanted to write something that would inspire great change.

But then I had to be an adult, and someone had to support the family while my ex finished school and went on to grad school. So, teaching was a logical choice, and special education had the greatest need.

Don't get me wrong; I love working with the students that I have in school.  The stress level is often more than I can handle while still being healthy, but I do it because I care deeply for those children. Still, I know that given the choice, my heart is in writing and researching and exploring the world around me. I love talking with people from all walks of life, and I know there is so much wisdom in my interactions with random people.

So, while thinking about all of these things, I thought about my potential. I knew I was intelligent in school, and it seemed that I could do pretty much anything I wanted to in life. But I underestimated my potential; somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough to be a scientist, engineer, or social researcher.  Somewhere along the way I decided that my dream needed to take a back seat to practicality.  There aren't a lot of things I regret in life, but this is one of them. I wish that I had believed in myself enough.

Of course, that could have changed the rest of my past. I know that one decision can affect so many things, and I don't want to undo all of the good that came along with these decisions. I guess at this point, all I can do is acknowledge this dream, and try to make it a reality.

From the tiny seed of my spirit can come great things. With the nurturing soil of my mind and the light from my optimistic and loving heart, I am sure to blossom. Thirty-one years old is not too old to decide that I am still destined for greatness.