Just Breathe

The past week has been incredibly stressful, and I'm not sure why.

Wait, I have an idea why...

You know how there are said to be five stages of dealing with grief or a loss? It's a fluid process, and people move through the stages at different rates, and sometimes in different orders. Well, I think I've been going through sort of a grieving process. It's been four months since I had my broken leg and surgery, and I ended up with a visit to the hospital for blood clotting issues and a mini-stroke, then sat in the neurologist's office while she confirmed my fears of Essential Tremor and/or Parkinson's Disease (by fears I mean that I am smart enough to know what that can do to an active and excited young person).

So, my automatic response to any news like that is to pretend everything is great, and picture the ten thousand things I will do to show the world that I will overcome. If there's one thing you can do to tick me off, it's telling me I can't do something.  Even though people didn't actually SAY I couldn't do things, as a special education teacher, my mind automatically went to all of the things that will happen and how my life will never be the same.

On top of that, my shaking has been pronounced enough to start causing some injuries if I'm not careful. On a completely related note, I am thinking of retiring from mascara...

So, back to the process. After making the list of things I am going to do to show whatever is going on who's boss, I then fall into a funk. Man, I could write a manual on myself by now. I guess I need to give myself credit- a lot of people spend thousands on therapy to figure out what I already have. I have seen myself go through it before, and knew it was coming. I embraced the funk (NEVER thought I'd type that sentence in my life, so there's a first!).

It hit me when I had to resign from my job. Until then, I had been on medical leave, and I could pretend that everything was going to be great. This was just something simple, and I would bounce back in no time. Problem is that I spend 8-10 days a month at a medical facility, I have to put great care into most EVERYTHING that I do, and it's just getting worse. I think that bounceback is going to take a while...

As far as the job is concerned, it wasn't fair to the students for them to keep wondering if I was returning. I got into teaching because of the kids, and I know more than anything that they need consistency. They need it in behavior support, and they need it in teachers and staff. I couldn't lead them on when I honestly didn't know when I would be healthy to return. I also didn't want to return too soon, and risk having a MAJOR setback from stress (heart attack or stroke). I'd sucked up the stress for too long, and I knew it would eventually get to me.  So, I know I'll find something new that might balance everything out, and for right now I am going to focus on getting back to a balance. Find the new me. Some cool new age jargon like that...

So, during this funk, I was sitting in a chair and staring out the window. I had days when I honestly didn't want to move. It wasn't depression- it was just time where I could slow my body down. My body has caused so many symptoms, it's like I am always on high alert to notice things. I needed time to slow my body down so I could really think. It turns out those days were useful. I was able to prioritize some things, and make a plan for moving forward.

Today, I rejoined the yoga world. I had wanted to do it for some time, but I wasn't able to modify a lot of the positions to accommodate my leg. It turns out the knee is a pretty vital piece of the body, and every position change affects it (as I found out right after surgery!). This morning I went to run errands, then returned to stretch out and let my mind wander.

Actually, the video I used focused more on my breathing. I had to laugh at first, because it seems like such a simple task. Don't get me wrong- I love yoga, and I enjoy how relaxed I feel afterward. I have done various routines for many years, but I've never seen a video that spent the first twenty minutes leading me through various breathing exercises. The narrator told me to really feel my breath, and welcome it into every cell in my body.

I believe in traditional medicine, but I also believe a lot of alternative strategies work as well. Together, I think you can make a great treatment plan for a patient. No matter what I was wanting the meds to do, I wasn't focusing on a plan that would help me maintain and build some strength, work on my balance, and promote deep breathing and stress relief.  I think I finally found my missing piece!

After the yoga routine (4o minutes!), I decided to head outside for a walk. I had only walked short jaunts around the neighborhood, so this would be the first time I headed out any longer. I am going to my physiatrist on Friday, and I wanted to be able to give her an idea of what my body could do. I know it seems odd when people think "it's been four months, so why are you still hurting?" Well, the doctor looked at my wound and said the scar isn't even healed all the way, so everything under it is still working. He gave me an injection for all the inflammation in my actual knee, which is keeping healing from happening. Then, there's the broken bone, which does take a while (especially in a weight-bearing bone). He told me he wouldn't clear me for the football field for 9-12 months, and from what he hears, a special education classroom is a similar environment (insert laugh here).

I walked at a moderate pace for about 25 minutes, and took a path outside the neighborhood. I remember getting fairly far down the road and thinking "I sure hope I can walk all the way back!" and "maybe this is why I stay close to home?"  My leg was starting to bug me, and I knew it was going to be an interesting night. I know I have to push myself, but I also have to balance that with not causing more damage. So, I headed home and put it up for a while.

We headed over to my best friend Robin's house, and played with the kids and ate pizza for dinner. I was glad to be able to chat with a good friend, and enjoy some family time. This reminded me of another crucial component of my plan to feel better: I need to schedule more social time. In the past four months, I've had a habit of being a bit of a recluse. All of the medical appts have exhausted me, and that made me not want to get out and actually talk to people. Add to that the fact that I have felt yucky a few of the days, and I am surprised I didn't scream when I saw daylight today. I know I need to get out more, and today starts my plan in that respect.

In these stages that I'm going through, I guess I'd be Acceptance by now. I've made a plan, so I guess that comes after realizing life probably won't go back to the way it used to be.  That's ok; we just have to adjust. 

And breathe.

Embracing the Moment

Earlier in the week, I visited my friendly hematologist. He took 21 vials of blood two weeks ago, and told me he was sure he'd have some sort of answer for me on Tuesday.

Now I had been to the neurologist at the beginning of the month, and wasn't terribly thrilled when she confirmed my diagnosis, and told me it was most likely a combination of Essential Tremor and young-onset Parkinson's Disease.  Having the thoughts in your head and comments from doctors is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than hearing a neurologist say "you have a problem..."

Awesome.

So, I wasn't terribly thrilled to go see another specialist. To be honest, I wanted to get answers, and I have been feeling disheartened because it has taken five years to get the answers. But I also felt more comfortable with some things just being a "maybe." Sometimes getting results means I finally have to deal. I am a fairly well-adjusted person (in my opinion), but I also feel like I've dealt with more than my share lately.

So, I sat in the exam room and waited for him to arrive. It didn't help that the appointment took two hours, so I felt like I was waiting in Purgatory.  When he finally walked in, I could already tell he had some thoughts in his head. He had something to share, and he didn't wait too long before starting into his speech...

"We ran TONS of tests on your blood, because we needed answers. We did get a POSITIVE back on one of our tests for clotting disorders.  As you know, your blood clots WAY TOO EASILY, and that's a big problem. Now we know why.  You have Factor V Leiden Thrombophilia."

I just blinked at him. I remembered how they had taken all of those vials, and how it took FOREVER because my blood was clotting in the collection tubing. I remember looking at the tubing and wondering how on earth that could even happen.

He told me that it was with me since birth, but we probably didn't pay enough attention to it until now. He said this is what was causing my TIAs, and was the reason I had pregnancy complications and two miscarriages. He said that honestly he was surprised I was able to have two healthy children, even with the complications that came along with them.

I asked him what I needed to do, because I obviously didn't want my blood to keep clotting up, and causing major issues like strokes, pulmonary embolisms, etc.

He told me the problem was that he didn't feel comfortable putting me on potent blood thinners yet, because I have accumulated quite a few minor injuries from my clumsiness and shaking (remember last post?). He pointed to the cuts and scrapes I had, and told me I would be in big trouble if I had super-thin blood while slamming into everything and cutting body parts. BUT THEY WERE KIDS SCISSORS!!!

So, right now he wants to try a "wait and see" approach. He'd like to wait for the signs of a clotting problem, then make that the beginning of treatment. I can understand where he's coming from, but I am also a bit nervous about that. He also wants me to get the tremor medication worked out, because he feels more confident with trying blood thinners once I am not a risk to myself... LOL

So, I came home from that appointment TIRED. Beyond all of that info, my blood pressure has been dipping dangerously low (114/40), and it has been making me feel dizzy and just miserable. It was my intention to rest and feel better for Wednesday.  I had heard a rumor that snow might be coming to the area, but I didn't believe that would happen anytime soon. It just doesn't happen here anymore.

Well, the kids were off on Wednesday (and my mom was home as well). I was excited, because we had the opportunity to play games, watch cartoons, play dolls, run around outside before the snow, make homemade pizza for lunch, and snuggle. I was excited we got a day together, and I really needed that after such a tiring day on Tuesday. I even got a pretty decent nap, so that made for a good rest of the evening.

In the evening hours, the snow started to fall. My dream was coming true!! I know it sounds cheezy, but there's NOTHING better to me than to watch snow fall. I like the peace and quiet that happens when I am watching the snow drift. I can sit and watch it at a window for hours, which is probably disturbing to most.  After all of our excitement from playing all day, both kids were asleep before 7pm. I tiptoed into Alex's room, and told him to put on his robe and boots. He popped his little head up and wondered what was going on. I told him I had a surprise for him.

Something I had been thinking about, as all of these issues have been happening; probably the scariest thing for me to deal with is the idea that I won't be able to do everything I want to do with the children.  I feel bad sometimes that they have never had a mother that's 100% healthy all the time, and really that's the only parent that is around. They have grown up to be compassionate creatures, and we still have fun, but I sometimes wish I had the ability to do so much more.

So, when the snow started falling, I decided we needed to embrace the moment. I took Alex outside, and we stood for ten minutes, feeling the snow fall on our faces, and catching flakes. There was such a peaceful stillness in the air, and we loved watching the snow falling under the security light on the street. I even turned on the flood lights so we could watch the snow fall inside the house, on the staircase.  Here's a picture of my snow buddy:

We headed to bed, and by the time I fell asleep we had about two inches on the ground. I will admit that I did sneak back outside by myself later, to absorb that feeling of quiet again. :-)

This morning, I heard my bedroom door FLY open as Alex burst in to announce that it had SNOWED BIG TIME. He was SOOOOOO excited at the winter wonderland outside, and he told me how it looked from his bedroom window, from the balcony window, and from a downstairs window. Apparently angle is everything when viewing the snow...

So, even though I hadn't been feeling too great, I decided we needed to embrace this moment.  Me and the kids were going to make snow angels! Yes, a person with recent ACL surgery and a broken leg, along with various pain and neuromuscular issues thinks it is a good idea to make snow angels.

Here we are (thanks Mom for taking the pic!):

I thought about the numerous reasons why the snow angels may not be a good idea, but then I thought of one really good reason why this needed to happen: It hasn't snowed in a while, and I don't know when this will happen again. The kids need to have a memory of me playing in the snow with them, in case I am not able to do things like this later.

So, we threw piles of snow "dust" (the snow wouldn't pack, so it looked like glitter glistening against the early morning sunlight).  They found big hunks of snow to eat, and took turns sliding down the slide into a pile of snow. I'm glad they had that opportunity to get out there with me, and they were grateful for the hot chocolate when we headed back inside! :-)

These past few weeks have been adjusting to a new reality. Where there have been suspicions and questions for some time about what my future might hold, now I am faced with a bit more certainty about the uncertainty, if that makes any sense. It was fun to be able to take some time to enjoy my little ones, and to make some memories that will serve us well as years go by.

None of us really knows what the future holds. I try to keep in perspective the fact that there have been so many rough things that have happened to me so far, and I've survived them all. But I also know that there's only so many battles one person can handle. So, I take comfort in my good friends that reach out to me, and my family that is there to catch me when I stumble.  And I thank God every day for a little voice that tells me in the morning "don't you know that you are the best mommy a girl could ever have?"  Some days I don't feel it, and I wonder what the future holds; in those little eyes though, it seems like everything is working out just fine. 

<3