Making Changes

Everyone makes goals, and some people accomplish them. I could be hard on myself, and think about all the times I've stopped working toward a goal. I will give myself some credit, and realize how many times I've set my mind to a goal, and got there! 

That being said, so many things have happened in the past seven months. I've gotten a bit off track, but I guess cancer is as good a reason as any to get off track. With thyroid cancer, the whole body is affected. I will take a moment to describe the thyroid and cancer, before moving on with my changes:

The thyroid has a lot of really important functions for the body.  I did not really know this until I was left without one! The thyroid is in charge of metabolism, heart rate, body temperature, and other hormone regulation. When a person doesn't have a thyroid, they take a pill (like Synthroid) for the rest of her life.  Without a thyroid or medication, a person will die in about six weeks.

In preparation for the radioactive iodine (RAI) treatment at the end of May, I had to go off Synthroid for five weeks. The goal is to starve the body of thyroid hormone, so that when the radioactive iodine is introduced, the body will suck up the iodine and try to convert it to hormone.

By the time I made it to the RAI date, I was barely alive. At the end of May, Tennessee is smoldering. I was still wearing a fleece coat every day, and was chilly. I was always sleepy, and if I sat in one place too long, I would fall asleep. It was an effort to make it through the day. My doctor was mystified when I told him I worked until the day before treatment, and I wondered how I even drove myself to the cabin after I took the RAI pill. 

My primary concern throughout this process was to get rid of cancer. My second concern (I'm almost ashamed to admit) was that I would gain back the weight I had lost when I moved to having zero metabolism. It's sad that this would be such a concern, but as a person that dealt with such issues with weight, and after losing 115 pounds, I was determined to keep off the weight.

Luckily the low-iodine diet that I had to eat for a few weeks before treatment (and a few days after) helped to keep me from packing on the pounds. When you have to make everything from scratch, can't eat dairy, and limit a lot of high-calorie items, the weight doesn't seem to be as much of a problem. From the moment I had my surgery until I took the RAI pill, I gained two pounds (YAY!!).

Once I took the pill, I had to go into hiding for a week. My children were at risk of damage to their thyroids if they were around me for the first few days, and if they had prolonged contact for days after that. We thought the safest idea was to let me be alone. I slept twenty hours a day, drank a lot of water, and watched movies. Nothing tasted right once I was able to eat normal food again (anything with tomatoes or carbonation tasted like poison, and nothing had a real flavor).  I also had nasal and mouth sores, so that kept me from eating unless I had to. Fortunately, I guess, my weight leveled out and the two pounds were gone.

I started feeling decent around the beginning of July, but lacked the energy to make it through the day. My doctor added Cytomel (T3 med) when I was told to go back on Synthroid, and I credit this addition to helping me more than anything. I read that many people function much better with this addition than with simply increasing the Synthroid (I am now at 150 mcg).

My taste also returned around the end of June, though some things are still a bit off. I was able to eat again, but I wasn't able to make it through a normal day of activity (which is what burns calories). Unfortunately, six pounds creeped back on.

Six doesn't seem like much, but for a person that lost a lot, it could all come back starting with six. This morning I woke up, and realized today was the beginning of the change. It was time for me to get things arranged so I could feel better, get healthier, and lose the weight to get to where I need to be. The reality is that I am about 30 pounds from my goal weight, and that isn't far.  The stress of dealing with testing for recurring cancer is also getting to me, and at least this is something I can control!

So, today, July 18th, is the first day of this change.  I don't want to be hard on myself, but I do have to have some accountability. That being said, I've come up with a few goals I want to keep track of:

1. I will report progress online three times a week. (I know it's unrealistic with my energy level to report daily. I will, however, keep a log of my progress daily.)

2. I will drink at least 10 glasses of water daily. (I have always found this to be the most important goal in feeling well, keeping yuckiness away, and losing weight. Water is important!!)

3. I will plan my meals the night before, so there are no surprises.  I will also allow myself two meals a week to relax a bit (but not go overboard!).  Everyone is different, but I know I do best when I am following a plan. And it always helps to plan ahead, so I know I am actually eating. I have a bad habit of realizing I haven't eaten anything at 1pm (because I have to wait an hour after Synthroid to eat).

4. I will experiment and try some new recipes and meals. The key to sticking to something is not getting into a rut. I need to broaden my tastes anyway, so this will be a good goal!

5. Increase my activity!! I am going to log 150 minutes of activity a week.  This is only 30 minutes a day, 5 times a week.  It can be anything- walking, riding the bike and watching a show, taking a run, or doing some heavy yard work. Anything that gets me moving!!  I will worry about refining my workout goals later.  For now, I just want to move!!!

I know that 30 pounds is a pretty significant amount of weight, but it can definitely be done. Increasing my activity and watching what I eat should do well to help me along my goal.  I'd like to see myself reach the goal by the end of the year (December 31, 2013), if no more major hiccups come along.  That's a steady goal of about 6 pounds a month, meaning 1.5 pounds a week.  Being that this goal runs through the holiday season, I will have to be extra vigilant.  The advantage, I guess, is that I will be losing or maintaining during that season, instead of gaining like everyone else!! :-)

I'll keep you updated on my progress. I know that healthy eating, activity, and taking time to reflect will only help my lifestyle. Stress can no longer take over my life, and these changes will hopefully put me on the right track!

Finally... An Update...

I realize I disappeared for over a month. I guess there was a good reason...

I didn't turn on my laptop for just about that much time. And when I don't turn on the computer, I rarely type. I even realized that I wasn't answering text messages like I normally do.

I was severely hypothyroid, in preparation for the Radioactive Iodine treatment on May 24th. I had to go off the medication for 5 weeks, which means without a thyroid, I was bottoming out.  And honestly, I don't really even remember the drive to the treatment, or part of the days afterward.

I knew I had to be away from the children for a week, because they couldn't be exposed to the radiation that was coming out of my body. So, my parents took care of the children while I hid out in the cabin.  Like I said, there are holes in my memory, because I was running on empty. What I do remember?

I remember showing up to the hospital to receive treatment, reading ten pages of forms and signing my life away, then being handed a tiny capsule to swallow. I thought to myself, "this is IT?" then I was pushed out the door to start my drive to the cabin.

Actually, my endocrinologist quoted Eddie Murphy from a movie, THEN pushed me out the door to get down the road. And he warned me not to throw up in the car or on the side of the road, because that would be a nuclear accident. Fantastic...

I slept for about 19-21 hours of the first three days. I knew I was overtired, and I was in the darkest room for sleeping. It was a good thing that I had slept so much, but I was also worried that I wasn't monitoring myself like I would like. I knew I was alone in this, so I at least had to be aware if something was wrong.

After a few days, I was going stir-crazy. A few friends had wondered how it would work out: an extrovert like me being stuck in the woods alone for a week. I could be around people on day 4, I just couldn't be around little kids for extended periods. So, I went for drives, stopped in little shops for short periods, and twiddled my thumbs until I could go home again.

I did have a few adventures along the way. I scoured my favorite used bookstore (McKay), and found some books to read for the remainder of my stay. I picked up a natural living newspaper, found an ad for a pizza place, and decided to go visit.

The experience? I came into Lupi's, marveled at the tree sculptures and psychedelic twinkling lights on the ceiling, and decided to try something different. It was definitely something out of the norm for me, and I decided to embrace the experience.  My taste was also altered because of the medication, and so I wondered what would even taste normal.

The whole experience was anything but normal. It was a good experience, don't get me wrong. It was some of the best pizza I'd ever had. But listening to a man from suspected Polynesian descent belt out the lyrics to an old Elton John love duet under a disco ball, while twirling pizza dough.... This wasn't my typical pizza experience. I wondered if the medication was changing my perception, and then I realized I always notice stuff like this. I sent a message to my friend Robin, telling her briefly of the experience. Her response: "I'd love to see the world through your eyes. Even these brief glimpses are a treasure."  I love that my life amuses her...

I hate malls. I can't stand how everyone is darting around in different directions, and it seems that people believe their agenda is the most important. Heaven forbid I get in the way of a lady trying to get to a Hollister sale.  Nevertheless, I missed seeing people and I needed to go look at something.  So the final two days, I spent my hours wandering around the mall looking at things. Actually, the mall is a pretty decent place in May- there's no real rush for anything.

I finally got to return home, and was thrilled to see the kids. I was also being watched because my calcium levels were still dipping. At this point, the doctor started to wonder what was going on. I was under a lot of stress, which doesn't help calcium levels at all. So, I had to start going to get blood work again, and we started to wonder what was going on with my body. My parathyroid glands were looking great, so this left some confusion about my body. 

I looked pretty good, considering I was going through cancer treatment. Still, I felt miserable. I had sores down the inside of my nose and throat, my tongue was swollen, and my neck was tender. I couldn't taste food, and some food even tasted poisonous. I was incredibly tired because I had just started back on thyroid hormone medications, and it would take a while to get back to normal.

So, I did what any normal human being would do... I started teaching summer school. Through all of this, I have to remember I am a single parent and the one that is ultimately responsible for the care of the kids. So, I take any opportunity to build up additional income, knowing they are getting their tonsils out in July, and I will be the parent that has to pay for the surgery up front (and wonder if I will receive half back...).  Summer school only has one week left, so I guess we could say I survived.  I could make it through the days better if I wasn't so TIRED. I wake up exhausted, and spend twenty minutes mentally preparing myself to get out of bed. I know that in a few more weeks, my thyroid hormone will be back to normal and I will feel like living again. I can't even imagine how nice it will be to feel normal. 

I'll make an effort to catch up more at a later point (but soon, I promise!). I guess even typing and trying to remember things can wear me out. I have a lot of thoughts I wrote down in journals or on post-its during the past few months. Once I get a chance to convert them to normal human language, I'll make sure I update this post. :-)

My Outlook

     Well, it has been the better part of a week before I posted. I have actually attempted to make this post two different times, but never completed it.

     On Friday, I visited the doctor and learned that he removed the one cancerous tumor. He said my chances of survival were pretty good, and I will be getting radioactive iodine treatment. He was pretty casual about it, but I made it to the hospital before the nurse called me. My calcium levels were still low, so I was getting my blood drawn AGAIN. I hated that the people at the hospital now knew me by name...

     I was told that the endocrinologist wanted to see me Monday morning. They wanted me in QUICKLY. I agreed (because I didn't have a choice), got my blood drawn and headed back to work. I started feeling progressively worse as the day went on, and at about 2pm the nurse called to tell me that my calcium levels were as low as when I had problems in the hospital.  I could tell something was up, because my muscles were twitching, I had terrible cramps in my legs, and my face was shuddering. They adjusted my supplementation again, and I went home to rest. 

     I will say I barely made it home. I felt absolutely miserable. I don't remember much of the night, other than talking to a friend for a long time. He did a good job of distracting me from my discomfort.  I called the doctor, and he told me to take more meds. I went to bed finally, hoping everything would sort itself out.

     The weekend was easy-going. On Saturday, we had a tea party for Carly's guest (a friend from school). By Sunday, I didn't leave bed except to make a cake in the morning. I was absolutely drained, and there was barely enough energy to eat. If I could have operated from bed, I would have been happier. I was a bit worried about how the week would go if I felt this bad on the weekend!

     Monday came around, and I had to move the appt because of a work meeting. I arrived in the afternoon, to find that there was definitely cause to remove the thyroid. There were multiple nodules that looked strange, and the cancerous mass. I knew I did the right thing, but it helped to have more people back me up. They told me my schedule for the radioactive iodine, and went over how the withdrawal of thyroid hormones would work.

     I told the doctor that I had gone through hypothyroidism before, and I knew what it was like. She laughed... HARD. She told me she saw and heard about my symptoms, but that my levels were never significantly below the appropriate level. In short: she told me this was going to be BAD. She said I had a great outlook, but to prepare myself for the worst. I was going to have ZERO energy, muscle pain, hair issues, my voice might get weird, and I will be moody. Very, very moody.

     I took notes, and headed home. Well, actually I headed BACK to the hospital to give them MORE blood, then headed home. As I walked into the hospital, I saw on the news that there had just been a bombing at the Boston Marathon. I remember looking at the news, and wondering if this was a sign of some sort. It seems like there's always something, and it saddens me to think that there's so many people that don't value how precious life is.

     I got home and intended to write about the experiences. I had been trying to write for the past few days. I guess my body finally became less vigilant, and was finally able to rest. I also tried desperately at work to get a lot done, because I knew once the medication withdrawal started, it was going to be a rough road. It would be better to get everything done, then I could sit back and enjoy the end of the year.

     I'd like to say it's been easy the past few days, since I am recovering nicely. In reality, I barely get home from work, and am in miserable pain. I make it home wincing in pain to get through the doors of the house, and it's a battle to get everything done for the evening. I am just praying for Friday to get here QUICKLY.

     Last night, before I fell asleep, I was thinking about the future. I thought about plans to get me through the summer, plans of what would ideally happen in the next year, and even where I wanted to be in the next ten years (the purpose of this blog). I also realize that I am a fantastic planner, and wanted to have plans around for things "just in case." I guess the fact that I can even write about all of this without crying tells me I have a certain level of detachment that is necessary to cope with all of this mess. I am definitely not saying things will go bad--I just realize that the POSSIBILITY is out there.

     I also thought about my friend Scarlett, and how she told me this is one more thing I will conquer.  I thought about all of the stuff I've been through- attack, TBI and long recovery (wheelchair to walking and running), abusive relationship and getting OUT, raising two kids on my own while working and trying to normalize their life, even surviving an attack in college. Suffice it to say, if I come to it, I will go through it. I guess cancer would inevitably make its way onto that list. Gee, when I look at the list, I can see why I intimidate men. ;-)

     I'm not as verbose today as I was last week (can you imagine? this is short for me!). Tonight, I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my head. I know that I need to sort through these before I can write, but I also wanted to let you know where things stand.

     I have yet to tell my friend Jere about this situation. I am usually quick to tell him about everything. I just don't want him to worry, because he is an oncologist. He has dealt with great success stories, and he's had terrible stories to tell. I have always wanted to be one of the good stories he tells. :-)

     Alex lost his first tooth last night. I was so excited, because he has been looking forward to this milestone for weeks now. I felt a twinge of anxiety, because I saw how important it was to see this milestone. I had already been fully aware of these special moments, because I wondered how some people would choose to miss them! I realized that now he's losing a tooth, and won't be my baby boy for much longer. He'll be graduating kindergarten, sailing through grade school, and will be graduating in 2025. It won't be long before he has his career and family. And I hoped and prayed to God, in the ten seconds it took me to think of all of this, that I would be there to get the call from my grandchild, telling me he lost his first tooth! It's moments like these when I realize that a lot of great can come of my life. I also realize it is terrible precious and fragile, and I need to enjoy it while I can. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.                                   -Psalm 139:14

     This has been a Psalm that's been on my mind quite a bit lately. I am mystified at my life, and I know my friend Robin talks about how I can make hugging a trucker in a parking lot sound magical. I am so grateful I have that ability, and can see the amazing in the ordinary. It makes me appreciate really how much awe and amazing is created in every moment, and I am grateful for all of these experiences that have added so much to my life. Our trips around the sun are really too few, no matter how many years we get. They key to all of this is finding a rich life, and appreciating that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, no matter what our religious path. No matter what news we receive, or day we have at work. No matter what ideas are floating or pounding or swirling around in our heads. We all need these moments to center us; these moments where we lie on the driveway and stare in awe at the dark universe.

     And for me, I was always the one to watch in awe. I will say there's an added glisten to all of these ordinary moments. I feel like I am seeing things differently, and really seeing how fantastic our world can be. Maybe that's the best gift I could receive right now, when terrible things happen and so many people are fearful. I know my place in this world, and my purpose as well. It is to inspire change, and to show love. If I can say I've done these two things every day, then I've served my purpose. This is really quite a feeling of contentment, and one that will ensure restful sleep tonight.