Symptoms

I was thinking about life today, as I dropped the kids off to school. Since I've been home with my injury/illness, one of the pleasures I have enjoyed is getting to drop off my children for school each morning.  It's sad that all of these years, I've been missing out on this simple task. There's nothing cooler than saying goodbye and love you to Alex, and getting the wink and thumbs up in return. Carly has enjoyed the car chats, but she's used to riding with me in the mornings. After dropping her off, my mind began to wander as I headed to the grocery store.

I started thinking about different people I knew, and their current life situations. I guess the beauty of having a wide friend base is that I have so many friends with so many different paths. The hard thing, though, is hearing when so many friends are hurting, or are having trouble in their lives.  I thought about what would be the secret that could solve all of their hurt? If there was one major defect I could claim, it would be that I care to much about helping fix other people. Sometimes I wished it didn't matter so much to me to see people doing well.

As I turned into the Kroger parking lot, the word "symptoms" popped into my head. We all think of symptoms when we describe our ailments to the doctor. But the same thing happens with the doctor- unless she gets to the root of the problem, she will never be successful just treating the symptoms. The cause will always be there, and the pain will never go away.

I have had some severe issues with body image in the past.  Apparently, somewhere down the line, I was given the idea that if I had enough control of the world around me, that everything was going to be ok.  And since controlling the world was unrealistic, I could at least control what went into and on my body, right? Suffice it to say that this line of thinking will lead you down a very serious path (with consequences that go on for the rest of your life).

Now, if a doctor told me "you just need to eat more calories," or "it's mind over matter- stop exercising!" or "treat your body as a temple!" or even prescribed some medication, I doubt that was going to do any good. It was only going to take a stab at the symptoms, and wasn't addressing the real issue. I think it's funny that many people will hem and haw about their symptoms all day, but no one wants to address the big problem; you know, the one that could actually SOLVE things and help people!

So, what helped me? Talking to someone about my pain, making a plan for recovery, and realizing that I didn't have to be in control of the world around me. And more than anything: I WASN'T RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S HAPPINESS. Surely I could help them, and I love to be supportive and listen, but I can't make anyone HAPPY. I can't make anyone do anything, and that's life.  And my self-worth wasn't contingent on what someone else thinks of me. Simple as that.

For a person that has an issue with relationships, the symptoms sometimes don't come from there. Sometimes that person pulls away from people around them because of lack of confidence and self-worth, or drinks too much because the tension of being alone can be too much. There are ways of coping that are healthy and strong, but unfortunately too many people learn ways that lead to self-destruction.

We follow these patterns until something wakes us up. Sometimes we are our own wake-up call, and sometimes it is because we are in a hospital, or had a DUI, or have lost everything that we loved. Sometimes there are moments in our life that come along, and their sole purpose is to shake us and make us realize what the real problem is.  Because let's face it: ending up in a hospital, wrecking a car and having a DUI, or losing your family and relationships surely doesn't happen if everything's peachy.

But how do we figure out what the problem is, and then how to address it? I have a theory, but I haven't really tested it out. I think that for the most part, all problems can be boiled down into two different major issues: abandonment or lack of self-worth.  Hear me out... When we break up with someone, is it the idea of losing that person, or is it the idea of being ALONE that scares us more? When a marriage ends, do we miss that person, or do we miss the status of husband, father, and all the other roles we filled in that position? We have to find a new normal, and we have to address those feelings of abandonment. Someone didn't want you, and it sucks. Yes, that oversimplified matters, but until we address it, no amount of drinking, erratic behavior or self-loathing is going to make it better. Maybe it takes a good talk in the mirror. Maybe it takes being real with the people around us, and TALKING to those we care about.

Self-loathing. I didn't address it above, because I think this deserves it's own paragraph. There are so many people that don't feel they have worth, and it makes me sad. We all have situations that happen in our lives, and how we react and respond to much of it determines what we think of ourselves in the end. I am sad to hear so many people talk about how terrible they feel about themselves. I guess I can't say I am surprised, because I used to be one of those people. And when a bad thing happened, I would be the first to ask "what did I do that caused this person to treat me this way?" Heaven forbid I realize that I have no control over how people choose to act, and no amount of self-hatred is going to make people do anything!  I know that a lot of our confidence comes from our early interactions in life, and that changes in time, as we encounter the good and bad situations in life. There's nothing like a radical change in your life to shake up your security- go through a divorce (no matter how amicable), and try being easy on yourself after that!  When everything that you held to be true has been questioned and changed, that is the time in our lives when we are least likely to be kind to ourselves.

So between those two issues, it's no wonder people end up in strange predicaments. Honestly, it's amazing more people don't have dependency issues, credit card debt, STDs, and court cases from erratic behavior.  These issues come out because the earlier problem isn't being addressed, and sadly we wait to judge people until we see the results.  Where are people when the problems are happening- why can't these people be shoulders to cry on?

I do think there needs to be more people to listen, but I am offering to be one of them. I also challenge you to be a shoulder, and to really look around at the people you love.  Are they hurting, and is there something you can do to help them address the underlying problem, instead of the symptom? Sometimes there are really small actions on your part that can make a BIG difference in the lives of those you love (or even those you barely know).  I also think a major part of talking about our problems is making everything less taboo. In me telling the story about my issues, I am hoping other people will open up and talk about their demons. There are struggles that so many of us have in common, and I hope and pray that among all of my friends and acquaintances, that many can be helped along on their journeys.

What is holding you back? What do you think is causing your "symptoms"?