There have been utterly fantastic moments that have caused those feelings, but there have also been tough times. I have always maintained that despite the rough patches, I lead an utterly awesome life. I have appreciated all the moments that have come my way, even if I didn't really enjoy them at the time.
Breakups are never easy. I don't know anyone that enjoys the process. I will say that over the years, I have had some times that I was really invested, and other times that I was rather ambivalent about breaking up with someone.
When I got a divorce, I took a long look at my life, and at who I was. I saw that I was an incredibly strong woman, but I didn't enjoy getting hurt. I don't think it was a conscious decision, but a giant wall was built around my heart. I did a really good job of letting people believe I was attached while maintaining a safe distance. I figured it would be easier to move on if I didn't have my whole life invested.
As you can imagine, this didn't do much more than buy me time. I went through a few relationships, and knew that at least part of their demise had to do with me shutting part of myself off from people. So, fairly recently, I sat myself down and had a good talk. I was over with the idea of maintaining my wall; it was time for the wall to come tumbling down.
A few months ago, I started dating someone. Everything moved pretty smoothly, and I could feel the wall starting to come down. I am a good-natured and pretty easy-going person, but I always wanted to make sure I wasn't invested so I couldn't get hurt. I thought I'd give it a try, this idea of letting my guard down.
Well, strange things happen when I let my guard down: I start to have actual feelings for people. Now this is where it gets tricky. In the grand scheme of things, it seems that we are all just meandering about, with all of our insecurities and issues, and we are waiting until we bump into someone that is at the same place we are at. This might mean that some of us aren't over past loves, some of us prefer to be stuck in our current state, or some of us don't want to take a good look in the mirror and admit what is going on in our lives. Regardless of the reasons, I know that it takes an awful lot to make two people make it work. It almost seems like the stars have to be aligned perfectly.
And a relationship is only as strong as the least-invested person. When that person doesn't really know what he wants, you can imagine how strong THAT relationship is... I think it's best at that moment to abort mission.
Doesn't mean that everything feels good though. Honestly it sucks. I think what sucks more than anything is that "told you so" moment I had, looking myself in the mirror after the phone call. I took a good long look at myself, and silently thought "see what happens when you let your guard down? How does THAT feel?" I'll tell you- it doesn't feel good.
But thankfully I am a smart woman, and I have some wits about me. I know that I am a fantastic human being, and I know I'll always land on my feet. I know there's a guy out there that is thrilled at the prospect of listening to my incredibly detailed stories, of seeing the spark that is in my eyes when I talk about my hopes and dreams, that wants to build a life and a family, and that is ready to move forward toward his goals.
There are too many "stuck" people out there, and, frankly, I am growing tired of dealing with them. You can only say the same speech so many times before you want to shake them, you know? I am excited with hope for my future, and I know that there will be amazing things that even happen in a year's time. Does tonight suck, because I had to realize that letting my guard down means getting hurt? YES. Will I get over it and move on? YES, I always do. Fortunately, regret is on my side, because I take the chances and even make the mistakes.
I feel sorry for the people that have to wonder "what if" many years later.
By then, it may be too late.
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