I was thinking about life today, as I dropped the kids off to school. Since I've been home with my injury/illness, one of the pleasures I have enjoyed is getting to drop off my children for school each morning. It's sad that all of these years, I've been missing out on this simple task. There's nothing cooler than saying goodbye and love you to Alex, and getting the wink and thumbs up in return. Carly has enjoyed the car chats, but she's used to riding with me in the mornings. After dropping her off, my mind began to wander as I headed to the grocery store.
I started thinking about different people I knew, and their current life situations. I guess the beauty of having a wide friend base is that I have so many friends with so many different paths. The hard thing, though, is hearing when so many friends are hurting, or are having trouble in their lives. I thought about what would be the secret that could solve all of their hurt? If there was one major defect I could claim, it would be that I care to much about helping fix other people. Sometimes I wished it didn't matter so much to me to see people doing well.
As I turned into the Kroger parking lot, the word "symptoms" popped into my head. We all think of symptoms when we describe our ailments to the doctor. But the same thing happens with the doctor- unless she gets to the root of the problem, she will never be successful just treating the symptoms. The cause will always be there, and the pain will never go away.
I have had some severe issues with body image in the past. Apparently, somewhere down the line, I was given the idea that if I had enough control of the world around me, that everything was going to be ok. And since controlling the world was unrealistic, I could at least control what went into and on my body, right? Suffice it to say that this line of thinking will lead you down a very serious path (with consequences that go on for the rest of your life).
Now, if a doctor told me "you just need to eat more calories," or "it's mind over matter- stop exercising!" or "treat your body as a temple!" or even prescribed some medication, I doubt that was going to do any good. It was only going to take a stab at the symptoms, and wasn't addressing the real issue. I think it's funny that many people will hem and haw about their symptoms all day, but no one wants to address the big problem; you know, the one that could actually SOLVE things and help people!
So, what helped me? Talking to someone about my pain, making a plan for recovery, and realizing that I didn't have to be in control of the world around me. And more than anything: I WASN'T RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S HAPPINESS. Surely I could help them, and I love to be supportive and listen, but I can't make anyone HAPPY. I can't make anyone do anything, and that's life. And my self-worth wasn't contingent on what someone else thinks of me. Simple as that.
For a person that has an issue with relationships, the symptoms sometimes don't come from there. Sometimes that person pulls away from people around them because of lack of confidence and self-worth, or drinks too much because the tension of being alone can be too much. There are ways of coping that are healthy and strong, but unfortunately too many people learn ways that lead to self-destruction.
We follow these patterns until something wakes us up. Sometimes we are our own wake-up call, and sometimes it is because we are in a hospital, or had a DUI, or have lost everything that we loved. Sometimes there are moments in our life that come along, and their sole purpose is to shake us and make us realize what the real problem is. Because let's face it: ending up in a hospital, wrecking a car and having a DUI, or losing your family and relationships surely doesn't happen if everything's peachy.
But how do we figure out what the problem is, and then how to address it? I have a theory, but I haven't really tested it out. I think that for the most part, all problems can be boiled down into two different major issues: abandonment or lack of self-worth. Hear me out... When we break up with someone, is it the idea of losing that person, or is it the idea of being ALONE that scares us more? When a marriage ends, do we miss that person, or do we miss the status of husband, father, and all the other roles we filled in that position? We have to find a new normal, and we have to address those feelings of abandonment. Someone didn't want you, and it sucks. Yes, that oversimplified matters, but until we address it, no amount of drinking, erratic behavior or self-loathing is going to make it better. Maybe it takes a good talk in the mirror. Maybe it takes being real with the people around us, and TALKING to those we care about.
Self-loathing. I didn't address it above, because I think this deserves it's own paragraph. There are so many people that don't feel they have worth, and it makes me sad. We all have situations that happen in our lives, and how we react and respond to much of it determines what we think of ourselves in the end. I am sad to hear so many people talk about how terrible they feel about themselves. I guess I can't say I am surprised, because I used to be one of those people. And when a bad thing happened, I would be the first to ask "what did I do that caused this person to treat me this way?" Heaven forbid I realize that I have no control over how people choose to act, and no amount of self-hatred is going to make people do anything! I know that a lot of our confidence comes from our early interactions in life, and that changes in time, as we encounter the good and bad situations in life. There's nothing like a radical change in your life to shake up your security- go through a divorce (no matter how amicable), and try being easy on yourself after that! When everything that you held to be true has been questioned and changed, that is the time in our lives when we are least likely to be kind to ourselves.
So between those two issues, it's no wonder people end up in strange predicaments. Honestly, it's amazing more people don't have dependency issues, credit card debt, STDs, and court cases from erratic behavior. These issues come out because the earlier problem isn't being addressed, and sadly we wait to judge people until we see the results. Where are people when the problems are happening- why can't these people be shoulders to cry on?
I do think there needs to be more people to listen, but I am offering to be one of them. I also challenge you to be a shoulder, and to really look around at the people you love. Are they hurting, and is there something you can do to help them address the underlying problem, instead of the symptom? Sometimes there are really small actions on your part that can make a BIG difference in the lives of those you love (or even those you barely know). I also think a major part of talking about our problems is making everything less taboo. In me telling the story about my issues, I am hoping other people will open up and talk about their demons. There are struggles that so many of us have in common, and I hope and pray that among all of my friends and acquaintances, that many can be helped along on their journeys.
What is holding you back? What do you think is causing your "symptoms"?
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
Pancakes, Biopsies, Stars, and The Bridge
Today started out in a rather blah state. I have gone through night three of no sleep, so as you can imagine I am REALLY TIRED. The kids had off school for MLK holiday, so we packed a few adventures into our day.
Our first stop was really tying up loose ends. I said I hated doing it, but I guess it had to be done. So, the kids and I headed over to the park to retrieve a few of my items from my latest Boyfriend (man #12, whatever you want to call him...). The irony struck me- the fact that commitment of introducing kids was too much at this point, but they can sure as heck meet now that we are broken up and I am getting my shampoo back! Ah, I imagine that's probably a rant for another time, and I'm really not even up for it then.
So, after the kids played for a while, we headed over to the craft store to get some supplies to take to Aunt Lisa's. I had to keep explaining to Carly that we didn't have to go on a plane to Michael's, because we were going to the craft store, and not my brother's house in Washington. Trust me, there were many tears shed for that problem...
On the way to Michael's, Alex requested a song in the car. I have decided that he has the coolest taste in music, and he can usually pick things that match moods. His request: "Living on a Prayer." Ok, this time I knew he just liked this song, since we have already had to hear it in the car four times this week. Toward the end of the song, when the bridge came along, he put his finger in the air and yelled "mom!!! What's THAT called?"
I asked what he meant, and he said the part where Jon sings "you live for the fight when that's all that you've got." The bridge. I asked him what he thought those words meant. Out of the mouths of babes....
I think he's saying it's hard living like they are living, but they keep doing it because they know it will get better. And they have each other.
Well, if I die tomorrow, I will rest easy knowing my son understands classic rock ballads... He asked me what other songs had the bridge in them, and I explained that it happened in MANY songs. Luckily, the iPod was cued up and ready, so he was able to hear a variety of songs that had good examples. I am sure there are a million other examples, but my iPod only has a few thousand.
His observations:
1) Apparently the 80s left a lot of guys lonely, because many of them were dealing with the loss of a woman.
2) He wants to know if writing a song is how you both get a girl, AND get over breaking up with a girl. The fact that you can do both with a song confused him (and I didn't dare bring up the movie Say Anything- he'll have a trench coat in no time).
3) He loves Glass Tiger, and "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone" is a new favorite...
So, it was a nice moment talking about music, and about feelings. Alex can be a bit quirky, but he can have some incredible moments of clarity. I really enjoy those moments, when everything seems to align and we have a really good conversation.
I dropped the kids off with my aunt, and went to a doctor to get some biospies. I ended up having to get three done, and right before I typed this, I stared at the gaping hole of one of them. Apparently they aren't too concerned about the lack of ANYTHING covering the wound? I think I'm going to smack a bandage on there for safe-keeping. They numbed the spots, but told me the real discomfort would kick in a few hours after, when all the numbing agent wore off. Well, I am 4.5 hours out, and I can tell you they were RIGHT.
When I left the appt, all I wanted was pancakes. I think it was just hearing the doctor say "these are the options for results, and it can be up two weeks to find out." Hearing those words AGAIN made me want pancakes. So, I headed back to retrieve the kids, and took them to IHOP.
Now the kids swear that they have never been to IHOP, and they LOVE it. Carly loves that there's a world map, and she can sign the continent and oceans song, and everyone claps for her. Alex likes that he can break out of his shell a bit and try a variety of syrups. I loved just seeing them so darn happy this evening.
I don't know if I have ever seen my children eat pancakes with that much enthusiasm. Alex CLEANED HIS PLATE. Carly even started working on part of my chocolate chip pancakes. I even had to mentally check to see if I fed them lunch, since I hadn't seen them eat like this in a long time (trust me, I had!). They thanked me profusely for taking them to eat pancakes, and made me promise that we could bring Nana and Papa here when he gets home.
Back in the car, we were FINALLY headed home after a long day. The kids fell asleep after a few minutes, and I was left to listen to music, look out the window, and think about the day. It has been one heck of a day- really one heck of a weekend. I always think better with some perspective, and perhaps this drive was giving me what I needed. I switched stations, never fully committing to a song. I was out on the bypass in Shelbyville, and I looked up at the sky.
The sky was breathtaking. I rarely see the sky so clear, and with such fantastic sparkly stars in the sky. I looked behind me, and saw that there was no one behind me. So, I veered off the road onto the shoulder, and put the car in park.
Now, I am not one to park on the side of the road for long, because I know there are odd people in the world. Of course, anyone that saw me parked probably thought it was ME that was the odd one. But I did lean against the car and soak in all of that beauty. My kids were both in a pancake-induced stupor, so they didn't even open their eyes. I thought about the extremity of emotions over the past few days, and how that always leaves me with more questions than answers. I always enjoy taking moments like this, because it really shows me that some of our trivial issues don't matter in the grand scheme of the universe. I really need to realize that sometimes, and I need to realize that life goes on no matter what I am doing.
Life has a way of continuing, no matter how stuck we may be. I thank God daily that I am aware of my life, and that I am an active participant. Sure, there may be rough days, but I like that I acknowledge my part in the grief and make steps to move on. I firmly believe that you don't realize the brilliance of the stars without the contrast of the terrifying darkness. When life is being particularly dark, the good thing is that it can point out those few twinkling stars among us, and if we are smart we will grasp hold and never let them go.
On a night like tonight, it was calming to realize that there are forces at work far more powerful than my own being. I liked feeling that everything was going to be ok, and that I could trust that life would go on despite me. Sometimes I have to realize that I think WAY too much about things, and sometimes that can be a curse. So, after a few more seconds, I hopped back in the car and drove home.
When I pulled into the driveway, I looked in the rearview mirror at my little creatures in the back seat. I knew that no matter what happened in the next twenty years, I would put my life on hold if it meant keeping them happy; I would do it in a heartbeat. I also knew that when I found the right fit, I wouldn't have to keep anything separate. Then I realized that in a couple years' time, this idea won't even be something I think about. Life will find a way of moving on, and Alex will probably be asking a lot more questions about love songs...
Our first stop was really tying up loose ends. I said I hated doing it, but I guess it had to be done. So, the kids and I headed over to the park to retrieve a few of my items from my latest Boyfriend (man #12, whatever you want to call him...). The irony struck me- the fact that commitment of introducing kids was too much at this point, but they can sure as heck meet now that we are broken up and I am getting my shampoo back! Ah, I imagine that's probably a rant for another time, and I'm really not even up for it then.
So, after the kids played for a while, we headed over to the craft store to get some supplies to take to Aunt Lisa's. I had to keep explaining to Carly that we didn't have to go on a plane to Michael's, because we were going to the craft store, and not my brother's house in Washington. Trust me, there were many tears shed for that problem...
On the way to Michael's, Alex requested a song in the car. I have decided that he has the coolest taste in music, and he can usually pick things that match moods. His request: "Living on a Prayer." Ok, this time I knew he just liked this song, since we have already had to hear it in the car four times this week. Toward the end of the song, when the bridge came along, he put his finger in the air and yelled "mom!!! What's THAT called?"
I asked what he meant, and he said the part where Jon sings "you live for the fight when that's all that you've got." The bridge. I asked him what he thought those words meant. Out of the mouths of babes....
I think he's saying it's hard living like they are living, but they keep doing it because they know it will get better. And they have each other.
Well, if I die tomorrow, I will rest easy knowing my son understands classic rock ballads... He asked me what other songs had the bridge in them, and I explained that it happened in MANY songs. Luckily, the iPod was cued up and ready, so he was able to hear a variety of songs that had good examples. I am sure there are a million other examples, but my iPod only has a few thousand.
His observations:
1) Apparently the 80s left a lot of guys lonely, because many of them were dealing with the loss of a woman.
2) He wants to know if writing a song is how you both get a girl, AND get over breaking up with a girl. The fact that you can do both with a song confused him (and I didn't dare bring up the movie Say Anything- he'll have a trench coat in no time).
3) He loves Glass Tiger, and "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone" is a new favorite...
So, it was a nice moment talking about music, and about feelings. Alex can be a bit quirky, but he can have some incredible moments of clarity. I really enjoy those moments, when everything seems to align and we have a really good conversation.
I dropped the kids off with my aunt, and went to a doctor to get some biospies. I ended up having to get three done, and right before I typed this, I stared at the gaping hole of one of them. Apparently they aren't too concerned about the lack of ANYTHING covering the wound? I think I'm going to smack a bandage on there for safe-keeping. They numbed the spots, but told me the real discomfort would kick in a few hours after, when all the numbing agent wore off. Well, I am 4.5 hours out, and I can tell you they were RIGHT.
When I left the appt, all I wanted was pancakes. I think it was just hearing the doctor say "these are the options for results, and it can be up two weeks to find out." Hearing those words AGAIN made me want pancakes. So, I headed back to retrieve the kids, and took them to IHOP.
Now the kids swear that they have never been to IHOP, and they LOVE it. Carly loves that there's a world map, and she can sign the continent and oceans song, and everyone claps for her. Alex likes that he can break out of his shell a bit and try a variety of syrups. I loved just seeing them so darn happy this evening.
I don't know if I have ever seen my children eat pancakes with that much enthusiasm. Alex CLEANED HIS PLATE. Carly even started working on part of my chocolate chip pancakes. I even had to mentally check to see if I fed them lunch, since I hadn't seen them eat like this in a long time (trust me, I had!). They thanked me profusely for taking them to eat pancakes, and made me promise that we could bring Nana and Papa here when he gets home.
Back in the car, we were FINALLY headed home after a long day. The kids fell asleep after a few minutes, and I was left to listen to music, look out the window, and think about the day. It has been one heck of a day- really one heck of a weekend. I always think better with some perspective, and perhaps this drive was giving me what I needed. I switched stations, never fully committing to a song. I was out on the bypass in Shelbyville, and I looked up at the sky.
The sky was breathtaking. I rarely see the sky so clear, and with such fantastic sparkly stars in the sky. I looked behind me, and saw that there was no one behind me. So, I veered off the road onto the shoulder, and put the car in park.
Now, I am not one to park on the side of the road for long, because I know there are odd people in the world. Of course, anyone that saw me parked probably thought it was ME that was the odd one. But I did lean against the car and soak in all of that beauty. My kids were both in a pancake-induced stupor, so they didn't even open their eyes. I thought about the extremity of emotions over the past few days, and how that always leaves me with more questions than answers. I always enjoy taking moments like this, because it really shows me that some of our trivial issues don't matter in the grand scheme of the universe. I really need to realize that sometimes, and I need to realize that life goes on no matter what I am doing.
Life has a way of continuing, no matter how stuck we may be. I thank God daily that I am aware of my life, and that I am an active participant. Sure, there may be rough days, but I like that I acknowledge my part in the grief and make steps to move on. I firmly believe that you don't realize the brilliance of the stars without the contrast of the terrifying darkness. When life is being particularly dark, the good thing is that it can point out those few twinkling stars among us, and if we are smart we will grasp hold and never let them go.
On a night like tonight, it was calming to realize that there are forces at work far more powerful than my own being. I liked feeling that everything was going to be ok, and that I could trust that life would go on despite me. Sometimes I have to realize that I think WAY too much about things, and sometimes that can be a curse. So, after a few more seconds, I hopped back in the car and drove home.
When I pulled into the driveway, I looked in the rearview mirror at my little creatures in the back seat. I knew that no matter what happened in the next twenty years, I would put my life on hold if it meant keeping them happy; I would do it in a heartbeat. I also knew that when I found the right fit, I wouldn't have to keep anything separate. Then I realized that in a couple years' time, this idea won't even be something I think about. Life will find a way of moving on, and Alex will probably be asking a lot more questions about love songs...
Friday, January 17, 2014
Listen...
I have thought about those moments in your life that you will always remember; I guess it's the ones that give you a strong emotional reaction. When I feel strong feelings in my body, you will bet I will remember the moment for many years to come.
There have been utterly fantastic moments that have caused those feelings, but there have also been tough times. I have always maintained that despite the rough patches, I lead an utterly awesome life. I have appreciated all the moments that have come my way, even if I didn't really enjoy them at the time.
Breakups are never easy. I don't know anyone that enjoys the process. I will say that over the years, I have had some times that I was really invested, and other times that I was rather ambivalent about breaking up with someone.
When I got a divorce, I took a long look at my life, and at who I was. I saw that I was an incredibly strong woman, but I didn't enjoy getting hurt. I don't think it was a conscious decision, but a giant wall was built around my heart. I did a really good job of letting people believe I was attached while maintaining a safe distance. I figured it would be easier to move on if I didn't have my whole life invested.
As you can imagine, this didn't do much more than buy me time. I went through a few relationships, and knew that at least part of their demise had to do with me shutting part of myself off from people. So, fairly recently, I sat myself down and had a good talk. I was over with the idea of maintaining my wall; it was time for the wall to come tumbling down.
A few months ago, I started dating someone. Everything moved pretty smoothly, and I could feel the wall starting to come down. I am a good-natured and pretty easy-going person, but I always wanted to make sure I wasn't invested so I couldn't get hurt. I thought I'd give it a try, this idea of letting my guard down.
Well, strange things happen when I let my guard down: I start to have actual feelings for people. Now this is where it gets tricky. In the grand scheme of things, it seems that we are all just meandering about, with all of our insecurities and issues, and we are waiting until we bump into someone that is at the same place we are at. This might mean that some of us aren't over past loves, some of us prefer to be stuck in our current state, or some of us don't want to take a good look in the mirror and admit what is going on in our lives. Regardless of the reasons, I know that it takes an awful lot to make two people make it work. It almost seems like the stars have to be aligned perfectly.
And a relationship is only as strong as the least-invested person. When that person doesn't really know what he wants, you can imagine how strong THAT relationship is... I think it's best at that moment to abort mission.
Doesn't mean that everything feels good though. Honestly it sucks. I think what sucks more than anything is that "told you so" moment I had, looking myself in the mirror after the phone call. I took a good long look at myself, and silently thought "see what happens when you let your guard down? How does THAT feel?" I'll tell you- it doesn't feel good.
But thankfully I am a smart woman, and I have some wits about me. I know that I am a fantastic human being, and I know I'll always land on my feet. I know there's a guy out there that is thrilled at the prospect of listening to my incredibly detailed stories, of seeing the spark that is in my eyes when I talk about my hopes and dreams, that wants to build a life and a family, and that is ready to move forward toward his goals.
There are too many "stuck" people out there, and, frankly, I am growing tired of dealing with them. You can only say the same speech so many times before you want to shake them, you know? I am excited with hope for my future, and I know that there will be amazing things that even happen in a year's time. Does tonight suck, because I had to realize that letting my guard down means getting hurt? YES. Will I get over it and move on? YES, I always do. Fortunately, regret is on my side, because I take the chances and even make the mistakes.
I feel sorry for the people that have to wonder "what if" many years later.
By then, it may be too late.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Can You Really "Have It All?"
I was driving to Nashville on Friday, and that gave me a lot of time to think. Probably my favorite thing to do is drive when I have decisions to make; there's something about the road that lulls my brain into the space where thoughts are lucid and come so freely.
I had just stopped by the hospital to greet a new life. My best friend, Robin, had a baby boy, and I was very eager to hold him. There's just about nothing cooler than holding a baby within twenty-four hours of the start of life. He had that nice "new baby scent," and just sat there sleeping. My favorite thing is watching them try to open their eyes and look at you; they are still figuring out how to work the muscles, which makes for some interesting expressions. I couldn't be happier for Robin, knowing that she had wanted another child for a while. While I know that my baby days are over (thankfully!), I was excited to have another baby around. I like holding them and playing with them, then going home to sleep through the night in my own house... :-)
Here's the new little man, with his whole life ahead of him... Cute stuff! :-)
Back to the drive...
I was thinking about how much my life had changed in the past few months. Thinking about surgery, some medical stuff, my job, life stresses, career paths, new relationships, and the steady calm that has started to take over where the kids are concerned. Sure, there have been hiccups, but life has been overall "decent," and that can be a really good thing.
Then I had a thought- there's a lot of good stuff that can happen in the next year, and a lot of changes I can make to ensure I am leading a calmer life of purpose. Can I really "have it all?" I hear people use that phrase, and I often wonder what that even means. Surely life can't go perfectly 100% of the time? Or maybe I am just getting a bad deal out of this, and people really do have such seamless lives?
I spent Saturday with Jason, and had an absolutely fantastic day. We started off with breakfast at Cracker Barrel, went to The Frist Center to see some art (I had NEVER been before!), stopped in at Union Station Hotel to look around (again, had NEVER been there either!), ate lunch at Olive Garden, and went to see the Predators play that evening. Even rounded out the evening eating leftover pizza and chocolate chip cookies on the couch. Seems like a lot of pretty cool stuff, but I started thinking about all of that.
And I realized...
I think for a day, I had it all. I spent a day of relaxing adventures (if that's possible) with someone I cared for. Exploring art exhibits (even if they induced vertigo), enjoying the beautiful sunshine outside, taking a Saturday afternoon nap, eating pasta, great conversation, a rousing hockey game with a couple brawls, and feeling a hand reach for my during the game. Strolling along Broadway, looking at the lights and listening to the chatter and music while headed to the car. Chatting about life while eating cookies on the couch. And falling asleep knowing that everything is going to be quite alright. Does it get any better?
I know every day isn't going to be like this. There are going to be ups and downs that happen, and that's just life. But I remember something that Robin told me a while back. I was telling her a story about something that happened to me, and I wondered aloud if this stuff happened to other people. She said...
"You can make hugging a trucker in a Walmart parking lot sound exciting. You look for magic in everyday things, and that's why you find it. It has to be a special world- what you see through your eyes."
And she's right. I'm so thankful that I am conscious of these things around me. Because I notice them; THAT'S what makes it so special. Because I see the good that can happen, and notice the little moments, the glances and winks, and the warm hand holding mine on a crisp evening. I see the magic that happens in the every day, and that probably makes typical days seem extra special.
And with that mindset, I imagine I can have it all. I feel like, for the most part, I am getting there. There's a whole lot of possibility on the horizon, and I'm pretty excited about the ride. :-)
This is how excited I look after eating a funnel cake, and knowing that I haven't covered my body in powdered sugar... I think he's excited I won't be tracking the "snow" back to his new car... ;-)
I had just stopped by the hospital to greet a new life. My best friend, Robin, had a baby boy, and I was very eager to hold him. There's just about nothing cooler than holding a baby within twenty-four hours of the start of life. He had that nice "new baby scent," and just sat there sleeping. My favorite thing is watching them try to open their eyes and look at you; they are still figuring out how to work the muscles, which makes for some interesting expressions. I couldn't be happier for Robin, knowing that she had wanted another child for a while. While I know that my baby days are over (thankfully!), I was excited to have another baby around. I like holding them and playing with them, then going home to sleep through the night in my own house... :-)
Here's the new little man, with his whole life ahead of him... Cute stuff! :-)
Back to the drive...
I was thinking about how much my life had changed in the past few months. Thinking about surgery, some medical stuff, my job, life stresses, career paths, new relationships, and the steady calm that has started to take over where the kids are concerned. Sure, there have been hiccups, but life has been overall "decent," and that can be a really good thing.
Then I had a thought- there's a lot of good stuff that can happen in the next year, and a lot of changes I can make to ensure I am leading a calmer life of purpose. Can I really "have it all?" I hear people use that phrase, and I often wonder what that even means. Surely life can't go perfectly 100% of the time? Or maybe I am just getting a bad deal out of this, and people really do have such seamless lives?
I spent Saturday with Jason, and had an absolutely fantastic day. We started off with breakfast at Cracker Barrel, went to The Frist Center to see some art (I had NEVER been before!), stopped in at Union Station Hotel to look around (again, had NEVER been there either!), ate lunch at Olive Garden, and went to see the Predators play that evening. Even rounded out the evening eating leftover pizza and chocolate chip cookies on the couch. Seems like a lot of pretty cool stuff, but I started thinking about all of that.
And I realized...
I think for a day, I had it all. I spent a day of relaxing adventures (if that's possible) with someone I cared for. Exploring art exhibits (even if they induced vertigo), enjoying the beautiful sunshine outside, taking a Saturday afternoon nap, eating pasta, great conversation, a rousing hockey game with a couple brawls, and feeling a hand reach for my during the game. Strolling along Broadway, looking at the lights and listening to the chatter and music while headed to the car. Chatting about life while eating cookies on the couch. And falling asleep knowing that everything is going to be quite alright. Does it get any better?
I know every day isn't going to be like this. There are going to be ups and downs that happen, and that's just life. But I remember something that Robin told me a while back. I was telling her a story about something that happened to me, and I wondered aloud if this stuff happened to other people. She said...
"You can make hugging a trucker in a Walmart parking lot sound exciting. You look for magic in everyday things, and that's why you find it. It has to be a special world- what you see through your eyes."
And she's right. I'm so thankful that I am conscious of these things around me. Because I notice them; THAT'S what makes it so special. Because I see the good that can happen, and notice the little moments, the glances and winks, and the warm hand holding mine on a crisp evening. I see the magic that happens in the every day, and that probably makes typical days seem extra special.
And with that mindset, I imagine I can have it all. I feel like, for the most part, I am getting there. There's a whole lot of possibility on the horizon, and I'm pretty excited about the ride. :-)
This is how excited I look after eating a funnel cake, and knowing that I haven't covered my body in powdered sugar... I think he's excited I won't be tracking the "snow" back to his new car... ;-)
Monday, December 30, 2013
In the End
It's not that I haven't wanted to write; it just seems that I have spent a lot of time doing other things lately. While talking with my friend Robin today, I realized that I had committed to a plan two years ago on this date (that's how the project of 15 Before 30 got started). So, no matter how sleepy I am from travel, it's time to start writing...
I wrote this list of things to do before I turned 40, because I knew they would take a while, and I knew there was significance for each item to play a major part in my life. My 30's are a time of settling down, of reaching goals, and also of exploring and appreciating the world around me. I have always wanted to live a life of balance, but I feel more than ever that I need to find this balance in my life.
In the middle of December, I started feeling strange. I just felt TIRED all the time (I still do, really). I went to have a scan done by my dr (long story, but he was convinced I had another tumor), and they tried for almost an hour to complete the test. For some reason, my body was clotting the blood on contact, making the injection nearly impossible. When they went to change the needle, they pulled massive clots out. I thought I was dying, and wondered what on earth was happening to me.
So, I headed to my primary doctor and talked with her. She agreed to run blood work, and checked me over. I told her I was by no means depressed, but I felt VERY exhausted at this point. She said we'd find out the results the next day. I went home, and promptly went to bed.
I woke up the next morning, and I'll never forget the feeling. It was like my brain had no connection with my body. I had to go to the bathroom, but my brain wouldn't tell my body to get up and go. I felt spacey (what I imagine being stoned is like), and my face was tingly. I had a headache that hadn't gone away for a week at that point, so that was also nagging at me. When I went to speak to my son, I realized my speech was really slow.
I did what any logical level-headed person does when feeling this bad: I called the guy I've been dating (at work), and cried to him. Yeah, that was pretty uncharacteristic of me, so I'm guessing I felt BAD. I decided to go to the doctor and get looked at. My mother came home from work and drove me, because a shower almost did me in. When I arrived, the doctor took one look at me and sent me to the hospital. She noted that my left pupil wasn't dilating like it should, and my face numbness and weakness was concerning her. She was afraid I was having a stroke, and wanted imaging IMMEDIATELY.
Well, insurance can be a pain. I was sent for CT and CT-A scans, but insurance said they wanted four hours to review my file. I could be dead at that point, so my doctor told me to travel to Murfreesboro and go to the ER. That way, they could run the tests in less time, and potentially save my life. So, we took the trek up there, and sat for the evening.
I can say nothing but good things about the hospital in Murfreesboro. As soon as I came in, they already knew my situation (my doc had called ahead). I was processed quickly, and was hooked up to an EKG and had blood work within 10 minutes of arriving. They were really working hard to assess me quickly, and even had meds for pain and nausea within a pretty quick time. I started to feel better once I was there, but was still incredibly tired. I was also concerned about flying at this point (I would fly cross-country two days later).
I was told that what I had was a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA), and it is otherwise referred to as a mini-stroke. Pretty much, blood flow was interrupted temporarily to the brain, which gave me all of those effects. I was put on aspirin to thin my blood, and told to rest, relax, and drink plenty of fluids. I was also told to see a neurologist SOON. There's a pretty decent risk of impending stroke if I do nothing, so that was a good wake-up call to evaluate life, and realize that I had a lot of control over the stress I was letting in my world.
So, as I sit here today, I am thinking about what it will take it get my life into balance. I take on too much stress of the life around me, and I know it will kill me. I've always been a kind, compassionate and hard-working person, and those traits can do a lot of harm if they aren't cultivated in the right setting.
I want to go back to school. I know I am already in the program, but I had to stop when the cancer arrived. I want to get back to learning about what I really enjoy, and finding a way to help people around me.
I want to look at how my skills can be matched with the world around me to leave me fulfilled. I know I am thirty-one and saying this, but I guess it's better than waking up miserable when I am 40 or 50. I know that I don't have to be happy every minute of my life, but I also know that I need to feel content, and I don't need to go on nerve pills just to exist.
I am enjoying the relationships and friendships around me, and I'd like to take time to cultivate those. I really love that I have three good female friends that I can lean on, and I enjoy a relaxed relationship with Jason. I like where I am at during this time, but I'd like to make sure I can keep these things going. I know that takes work and attention, but it's worth the time and effort for the great results.
I also need to complete a task off of my list. I was sitting here today, thinking about all of the projects, and about my life in general. It's been a pretty rocky 2013 for me, and I can't wait to push it out and welcome 2014. I decided my first project to be completed soon will be going to see the Before I Die Wall in New Orleans. I had come across this place and the idea of the trip in 2011, and have tabled the idea for two years. It's time for the project to continue, and I honestly can't think of a better place to go to get inspiration for how to live a life of balance, and to appreciate each moment. Once our travel plans are complete, I'll let you know the plan! :-)
I'll be spending a low-key New Year's Eve with someone special, so I won't be making a post before the end of the year. But I will be thinking about this project, and about making these changes in my life. If 2013 was the year of catastrophe, then 2014 can be the year of metamorphosis. Carly asked if humans go through metamorphosis like butterflies, and my response was "most definitely!" My explanation was a bit over her head, but I appreciated getting to tell my daughter that amazing things happen when the body goes through stresses and traumas to grow. We all change and evolve, and it's amazing to see how those past transgressions shape our current beings. 2014 will be a year of spreading my wings.
I wrote this list of things to do before I turned 40, because I knew they would take a while, and I knew there was significance for each item to play a major part in my life. My 30's are a time of settling down, of reaching goals, and also of exploring and appreciating the world around me. I have always wanted to live a life of balance, but I feel more than ever that I need to find this balance in my life.
In the middle of December, I started feeling strange. I just felt TIRED all the time (I still do, really). I went to have a scan done by my dr (long story, but he was convinced I had another tumor), and they tried for almost an hour to complete the test. For some reason, my body was clotting the blood on contact, making the injection nearly impossible. When they went to change the needle, they pulled massive clots out. I thought I was dying, and wondered what on earth was happening to me.
So, I headed to my primary doctor and talked with her. She agreed to run blood work, and checked me over. I told her I was by no means depressed, but I felt VERY exhausted at this point. She said we'd find out the results the next day. I went home, and promptly went to bed.
I woke up the next morning, and I'll never forget the feeling. It was like my brain had no connection with my body. I had to go to the bathroom, but my brain wouldn't tell my body to get up and go. I felt spacey (what I imagine being stoned is like), and my face was tingly. I had a headache that hadn't gone away for a week at that point, so that was also nagging at me. When I went to speak to my son, I realized my speech was really slow.
I did what any logical level-headed person does when feeling this bad: I called the guy I've been dating (at work), and cried to him. Yeah, that was pretty uncharacteristic of me, so I'm guessing I felt BAD. I decided to go to the doctor and get looked at. My mother came home from work and drove me, because a shower almost did me in. When I arrived, the doctor took one look at me and sent me to the hospital. She noted that my left pupil wasn't dilating like it should, and my face numbness and weakness was concerning her. She was afraid I was having a stroke, and wanted imaging IMMEDIATELY.
Well, insurance can be a pain. I was sent for CT and CT-A scans, but insurance said they wanted four hours to review my file. I could be dead at that point, so my doctor told me to travel to Murfreesboro and go to the ER. That way, they could run the tests in less time, and potentially save my life. So, we took the trek up there, and sat for the evening.
I can say nothing but good things about the hospital in Murfreesboro. As soon as I came in, they already knew my situation (my doc had called ahead). I was processed quickly, and was hooked up to an EKG and had blood work within 10 minutes of arriving. They were really working hard to assess me quickly, and even had meds for pain and nausea within a pretty quick time. I started to feel better once I was there, but was still incredibly tired. I was also concerned about flying at this point (I would fly cross-country two days later).
I was told that what I had was a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA), and it is otherwise referred to as a mini-stroke. Pretty much, blood flow was interrupted temporarily to the brain, which gave me all of those effects. I was put on aspirin to thin my blood, and told to rest, relax, and drink plenty of fluids. I was also told to see a neurologist SOON. There's a pretty decent risk of impending stroke if I do nothing, so that was a good wake-up call to evaluate life, and realize that I had a lot of control over the stress I was letting in my world.
So, as I sit here today, I am thinking about what it will take it get my life into balance. I take on too much stress of the life around me, and I know it will kill me. I've always been a kind, compassionate and hard-working person, and those traits can do a lot of harm if they aren't cultivated in the right setting.
I want to go back to school. I know I am already in the program, but I had to stop when the cancer arrived. I want to get back to learning about what I really enjoy, and finding a way to help people around me.
I want to look at how my skills can be matched with the world around me to leave me fulfilled. I know I am thirty-one and saying this, but I guess it's better than waking up miserable when I am 40 or 50. I know that I don't have to be happy every minute of my life, but I also know that I need to feel content, and I don't need to go on nerve pills just to exist.
I am enjoying the relationships and friendships around me, and I'd like to take time to cultivate those. I really love that I have three good female friends that I can lean on, and I enjoy a relaxed relationship with Jason. I like where I am at during this time, but I'd like to make sure I can keep these things going. I know that takes work and attention, but it's worth the time and effort for the great results.
I also need to complete a task off of my list. I was sitting here today, thinking about all of the projects, and about my life in general. It's been a pretty rocky 2013 for me, and I can't wait to push it out and welcome 2014. I decided my first project to be completed soon will be going to see the Before I Die Wall in New Orleans. I had come across this place and the idea of the trip in 2011, and have tabled the idea for two years. It's time for the project to continue, and I honestly can't think of a better place to go to get inspiration for how to live a life of balance, and to appreciate each moment. Once our travel plans are complete, I'll let you know the plan! :-)
I'll be spending a low-key New Year's Eve with someone special, so I won't be making a post before the end of the year. But I will be thinking about this project, and about making these changes in my life. If 2013 was the year of catastrophe, then 2014 can be the year of metamorphosis. Carly asked if humans go through metamorphosis like butterflies, and my response was "most definitely!" My explanation was a bit over her head, but I appreciated getting to tell my daughter that amazing things happen when the body goes through stresses and traumas to grow. We all change and evolve, and it's amazing to see how those past transgressions shape our current beings. 2014 will be a year of spreading my wings.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
An Evening with Jere
This past Thursday, I had the pleasure of joining a good friend for an evening of dinner and schmoozing at a fancy benefit dinner. The event was the CABIA Annual Benefit dinner, and that is the Chattanooga Area Brain Injury Association. Suffice it to say that everyone in that room (all 150+) were in some way touched by brain injury. If you'd like a slap in the face of the reality around you, attending a dinner such as this would be a great way to do so.
Jere sent me a message Tuesday, asking me to attend the dinner with him. He was worried it was too short notice, though I remembered that I was supposed to have the event on my calendar in the first place. I arranged a babysitter, and told him I'd be there. I remember sending a message back to him asking what the attire would be. His response: "wear pearls and comfortable shoes." It seems I never get a typical response from Jere.
I realized I hadn't worn a dress in ages. I guess the last time I wore one was graduation night, and that was only briefly enough to get to the event and back home. I am not a dress person, but it seemed that the evening would be a reason to delve into something new. Tuesday evening, after class, I hit the clothing stores looking for a dress.
The other task was interesting: I did ask my boyfriend if it was ok that I attended a swanky dinner with another man. This seemed to be a strange question, because it was an all-around weird situation. Jere was "another man," but it was definitely different with him. He was a good friend, a kindred spirit, and it was a different type of relationship from the normal "other men" that are out there. Travis said he could have me for twenty bucks... I am thankful I am dating an understanding man. :-)
On Thursday, I finished work and took off down the interstate. I remember curling my hair and changing clothes between classes! I knew that even if I left at 3pm, I would barely make it to the dinner in time. I pulled up to the location, The Mill in Chattanooga, and saw Jere wandering around the parking lot.
Jere looked whimsically dapper. He was cleaned up, with a dress shirt, tie, and coat. I was entertained with how the colors did not match, but complemented each other so well. It gave him the look of an absent-minded professor, but made him absolutely charming at the same time. He gave me the once over, and told me I looked splendid. We went inside to check in and find our table.
Through the evening, we talked with many people who have themselves dealt with brain injury. The whole experience made me realize how little I talk about the subject. I guess even though I have wanted to interview people and write about it, the whole experience to me is just something I need to suck up and deal with. I guess I feel like rehashing all of my feelings over and over again will just waste time. I do know better of this now, and realize there is a tremendous amount of support around me, if I am willing to ask. I met a woman that has almost no short-term memory, and always meets someone new (even when she has met you twenty times before). I met a few people that shared physical disabilities along with their brain injuries. We sat with a couple that actually met, dated and married AFTER the brain injury had occurred (which gave me hope). All in all, it was an absolutely wonderful evening.
The speaker was a lawyer from Atlanta that had suffered a brain injury in 2004, after a car accident. He talked about reach out to those around you, and to spreading knowledge of brain injury. Everyone knows what concussions are, but very few people understand the effects of brain injury, and that the recovery is life-long. There are so many people that are so very lucky to be alive, but that doesn't mean they aren't still pushing and clawing their way through life. Recovery is never meant to be easy, and a life-long recovery can be grueling.
After hearing him speak, we said our goodbyes to those around us. Jere and I made small talk all the way to the parking lot, where he asked me if I would be able to drive home. I told him I should be ok, as I let out a yawn. He told me I needed coffee, and that we would grab a quick cup of coffee before I hit the road. I got in my car to follow him, and we drove through the streets of Chattanooga, in search of liquid energy.
Following Jere through the streets of Chattanooga is like following him in any conversation. He is incredibly intelligent and quick-witted, but he also makes connections and turns that most people don't see. Trying to keep up with him leaves me mentally exhausted. I was relieved when we pulled into the parking spots at the Bluff Art District. We would be visiting Rembrandt's, the coffee shop where we first met and talked.
I did a quick mental calculation, and realized it was just about one year ago that we made our first trek to the coffee shop. I didn't say a word, because I knew that this tidbit was probably irrelevant. We got out of the cars and walked to the shop. I am always entertained by the glances and fake smiles we receive when walking about town together--it must look strange to see a white-haired sixty-one year-old with a young, thirty year-old brunette. I chuckled to myself, because those people didn't realize that this wasn't some strange relationship they read about in the tabloids. This was the meeting of good friends, ready to connect and share their life experiences over coffee.
Inside, I ordered a cup of coffee and a dessert, and he did the same. We sat down at the table and began to chat while our order was being prepared. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was ready to get down to the real conversation. It's hard to be ourselves in front of all of those people. As much as we make sense to each other, I believe our conversation would seem odd in front of an audience.
He asked me about my experience in court earlier that day. I told him about the drudgery of dealing with child support court, and he commented that he expected sparks to fly and fire to come from my eyes when I spoke of my ex-husband. I told him that honestly, he wasn't worth that much energy anymore. There are bigger and better things ahead of me, and those thoughts would only hold me back.
We moved on to talk about brain injury. I couldn't tell if my thoughts were coherent at that point, but he seemed to understand. He always seems to understand what I am saying, even when I am not quite sure I am saying real words. I tell him how frustrating it is to deal with the recovery, how I have great days where I feel like I am the "old me," and then many other days where I can't even remember who the "old me" was. My frustrations are with my processing speed, my memory, and my indifference to the people around me on any given day. I know that all of these are valid complaints for someone with a traumatic brain injury, but I still don't like it. I know the biggest part of me that hasn't recovered is my spirit, because I am still grieving the person I thought I was before the accident.
I say that because sometimes I become confused. Sometimes I wonder if I am remembering who I once was, or if I am having thoughts of who I always wanted to be. And since everyone around me seems to want to cut me a lot of slack, I have to depend on myself to remember what life was like before. And Jere, bless his heart, worries I don't get enough sleep and give my body enough time to heal. I know he's right, but I still feel like I am making up for lost time. Every day, I wake up and go to bed feeling that way. Sometimes I take it in stride, and sometimes it terrifies me.
Toward the end of our conversation, we talk about writing together again. The whole reason we ever came together was because I was writing, and he was someone I needed to interview. This evolved into him helping me write, then a joint effort. Through the year we have both gone through peaks and valleys, and our writing effort has suffered. This evening was a time that we could make plans to write, and to make a commitment to finally doing something about it.
Eventually, the coffee and dessert were gone, and I realized I had an almost-two hour drive home. We walked out of the shop, and down the street. He told me about how his house was going on the market, and he would be moving to North Carolina. I could feel my heart stop, because I wasn't liking the idea of him moving so far away. It's not like we see each other even weekly, but I like knowing he's only a few hours away anytime I've needed to chat.
We walked to our cars, parked on top of the bridge, and turned to say our goodbyes. He grabbed me and pulled me close to hug me, and I felt the stress of the day fade away. He told me how much he leaned on me, and I almost cried when I thought about how much I have leaned on him over the past year. I honestly owed much of my success in this past year to how grounded he has made me feel. Having someone who has been to hell and back, for just about the same reason, can make the world of difference. Being able to say whatever I want, whenever I want, and knowing he has felt the same way makes a big difference in dealing with issues. And knowing that whenever I try to convince myself of something, he will be there to call me out on my BS and push me to find the truth. THAT is the mark of a special relationship. Whatever happens from here on out, I know that this has been a truly magical time for me.
I also had a brief moment where I wondered if the people driving below had looked up to see us. I wondered what they saw while driving--a man with silvery hair, holding a young woman for dear life, on top of a moonlit bridge. I wondered if anyone questioned the peculiarity of our pairing. I know I've questioned it often, but have always remained grateful for divine intervention.
And Lisa Morgan. You see, Lisa Morgan is the woman that introduced us a year ago in Siskin Rehabilitation Hospital. I can remember it like it was yesterday... Jere walked through the door, and Lisa told us we could go sit in the cafeteria and talk. His response: "cafeteria food sucks!" He then looked at me, a stranger, and said "Let's go somewhere else and eat. I'm driving."
I looked at him, and gave an immediate response of "sure!" I hadn't thought through the fact that I didn't know the extent of his brain injury. I only knew that this would be someone interesting, and I was determined to find some adventure. I remember Lisa's final words as we walked out the door together:
"Don't let me see you two on the news!!!"
Jere sent me a message Tuesday, asking me to attend the dinner with him. He was worried it was too short notice, though I remembered that I was supposed to have the event on my calendar in the first place. I arranged a babysitter, and told him I'd be there. I remember sending a message back to him asking what the attire would be. His response: "wear pearls and comfortable shoes." It seems I never get a typical response from Jere.
I realized I hadn't worn a dress in ages. I guess the last time I wore one was graduation night, and that was only briefly enough to get to the event and back home. I am not a dress person, but it seemed that the evening would be a reason to delve into something new. Tuesday evening, after class, I hit the clothing stores looking for a dress.
The other task was interesting: I did ask my boyfriend if it was ok that I attended a swanky dinner with another man. This seemed to be a strange question, because it was an all-around weird situation. Jere was "another man," but it was definitely different with him. He was a good friend, a kindred spirit, and it was a different type of relationship from the normal "other men" that are out there. Travis said he could have me for twenty bucks... I am thankful I am dating an understanding man. :-)
On Thursday, I finished work and took off down the interstate. I remember curling my hair and changing clothes between classes! I knew that even if I left at 3pm, I would barely make it to the dinner in time. I pulled up to the location, The Mill in Chattanooga, and saw Jere wandering around the parking lot.
Jere looked whimsically dapper. He was cleaned up, with a dress shirt, tie, and coat. I was entertained with how the colors did not match, but complemented each other so well. It gave him the look of an absent-minded professor, but made him absolutely charming at the same time. He gave me the once over, and told me I looked splendid. We went inside to check in and find our table.
Through the evening, we talked with many people who have themselves dealt with brain injury. The whole experience made me realize how little I talk about the subject. I guess even though I have wanted to interview people and write about it, the whole experience to me is just something I need to suck up and deal with. I guess I feel like rehashing all of my feelings over and over again will just waste time. I do know better of this now, and realize there is a tremendous amount of support around me, if I am willing to ask. I met a woman that has almost no short-term memory, and always meets someone new (even when she has met you twenty times before). I met a few people that shared physical disabilities along with their brain injuries. We sat with a couple that actually met, dated and married AFTER the brain injury had occurred (which gave me hope). All in all, it was an absolutely wonderful evening.
The speaker was a lawyer from Atlanta that had suffered a brain injury in 2004, after a car accident. He talked about reach out to those around you, and to spreading knowledge of brain injury. Everyone knows what concussions are, but very few people understand the effects of brain injury, and that the recovery is life-long. There are so many people that are so very lucky to be alive, but that doesn't mean they aren't still pushing and clawing their way through life. Recovery is never meant to be easy, and a life-long recovery can be grueling.
After hearing him speak, we said our goodbyes to those around us. Jere and I made small talk all the way to the parking lot, where he asked me if I would be able to drive home. I told him I should be ok, as I let out a yawn. He told me I needed coffee, and that we would grab a quick cup of coffee before I hit the road. I got in my car to follow him, and we drove through the streets of Chattanooga, in search of liquid energy.
Following Jere through the streets of Chattanooga is like following him in any conversation. He is incredibly intelligent and quick-witted, but he also makes connections and turns that most people don't see. Trying to keep up with him leaves me mentally exhausted. I was relieved when we pulled into the parking spots at the Bluff Art District. We would be visiting Rembrandt's, the coffee shop where we first met and talked.
I did a quick mental calculation, and realized it was just about one year ago that we made our first trek to the coffee shop. I didn't say a word, because I knew that this tidbit was probably irrelevant. We got out of the cars and walked to the shop. I am always entertained by the glances and fake smiles we receive when walking about town together--it must look strange to see a white-haired sixty-one year-old with a young, thirty year-old brunette. I chuckled to myself, because those people didn't realize that this wasn't some strange relationship they read about in the tabloids. This was the meeting of good friends, ready to connect and share their life experiences over coffee.
Inside, I ordered a cup of coffee and a dessert, and he did the same. We sat down at the table and began to chat while our order was being prepared. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was ready to get down to the real conversation. It's hard to be ourselves in front of all of those people. As much as we make sense to each other, I believe our conversation would seem odd in front of an audience.
He asked me about my experience in court earlier that day. I told him about the drudgery of dealing with child support court, and he commented that he expected sparks to fly and fire to come from my eyes when I spoke of my ex-husband. I told him that honestly, he wasn't worth that much energy anymore. There are bigger and better things ahead of me, and those thoughts would only hold me back.
We moved on to talk about brain injury. I couldn't tell if my thoughts were coherent at that point, but he seemed to understand. He always seems to understand what I am saying, even when I am not quite sure I am saying real words. I tell him how frustrating it is to deal with the recovery, how I have great days where I feel like I am the "old me," and then many other days where I can't even remember who the "old me" was. My frustrations are with my processing speed, my memory, and my indifference to the people around me on any given day. I know that all of these are valid complaints for someone with a traumatic brain injury, but I still don't like it. I know the biggest part of me that hasn't recovered is my spirit, because I am still grieving the person I thought I was before the accident.
I say that because sometimes I become confused. Sometimes I wonder if I am remembering who I once was, or if I am having thoughts of who I always wanted to be. And since everyone around me seems to want to cut me a lot of slack, I have to depend on myself to remember what life was like before. And Jere, bless his heart, worries I don't get enough sleep and give my body enough time to heal. I know he's right, but I still feel like I am making up for lost time. Every day, I wake up and go to bed feeling that way. Sometimes I take it in stride, and sometimes it terrifies me.
Toward the end of our conversation, we talk about writing together again. The whole reason we ever came together was because I was writing, and he was someone I needed to interview. This evolved into him helping me write, then a joint effort. Through the year we have both gone through peaks and valleys, and our writing effort has suffered. This evening was a time that we could make plans to write, and to make a commitment to finally doing something about it.
Eventually, the coffee and dessert were gone, and I realized I had an almost-two hour drive home. We walked out of the shop, and down the street. He told me about how his house was going on the market, and he would be moving to North Carolina. I could feel my heart stop, because I wasn't liking the idea of him moving so far away. It's not like we see each other even weekly, but I like knowing he's only a few hours away anytime I've needed to chat.
We walked to our cars, parked on top of the bridge, and turned to say our goodbyes. He grabbed me and pulled me close to hug me, and I felt the stress of the day fade away. He told me how much he leaned on me, and I almost cried when I thought about how much I have leaned on him over the past year. I honestly owed much of my success in this past year to how grounded he has made me feel. Having someone who has been to hell and back, for just about the same reason, can make the world of difference. Being able to say whatever I want, whenever I want, and knowing he has felt the same way makes a big difference in dealing with issues. And knowing that whenever I try to convince myself of something, he will be there to call me out on my BS and push me to find the truth. THAT is the mark of a special relationship. Whatever happens from here on out, I know that this has been a truly magical time for me.
I also had a brief moment where I wondered if the people driving below had looked up to see us. I wondered what they saw while driving--a man with silvery hair, holding a young woman for dear life, on top of a moonlit bridge. I wondered if anyone questioned the peculiarity of our pairing. I know I've questioned it often, but have always remained grateful for divine intervention.
And Lisa Morgan. You see, Lisa Morgan is the woman that introduced us a year ago in Siskin Rehabilitation Hospital. I can remember it like it was yesterday... Jere walked through the door, and Lisa told us we could go sit in the cafeteria and talk. His response: "cafeteria food sucks!" He then looked at me, a stranger, and said "Let's go somewhere else and eat. I'm driving."
I looked at him, and gave an immediate response of "sure!" I hadn't thought through the fact that I didn't know the extent of his brain injury. I only knew that this would be someone interesting, and I was determined to find some adventure. I remember Lisa's final words as we walked out the door together:
"Don't let me see you two on the news!!!"
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Another Month Behind Me
It seems about this time every year, I get rather reflective. I dwell on the past a bit, worry about the future, and am always unsettled about the present. I blame it on the weather--there's never a consistent week in February and March. It can be 65 degrees one minute, and 30 and snowing the next. Once the renewed hope of Spring comes along, everything is fine.
I thought for a bit on how I ended up at the present. I think everyone has these moments, where they sit in bed at 3am and wonder how they ended up at this exact moment in their lives. I told Travis that this is a perk of being married: so you can wake up the other person and tell them your troubles. He said this is when the male's trait of selective hearing comes in handy!
I had quite a few days like this over the past month. Don't get me wrong; I love my children, my family, friends, job and am content with my current relationship status. I guess it's just that some well-meaning comments by people can be a catalyst for thought. And in my case, it would be WAY too much thought...
As I typed that last statement, I had a mental picture of the face Travis would give me. It's the goofiest and most sarcastic face, and he would say of all the people he's ever met, I would be the least likely to overthink things. :-)
The comment came about like this: I ran into an acquaintance from high school, and was doing the three-minute catchup. I listened to her summary, then gave her mine. I received a "hum..." I looked at her with a glance that asked what her problem was with my summary! Heck, I just gave her the plot for a Lifetime movie! She told me it was nothing; just that she thought for sure I would be something else... besides a teacher. She backed up the comment by saying I was incredibly smart, and she always figured I was destined for greatness...
Well, I have greatness, and they are named Alex and Carly Winn. :-)
I know what she meant though, and everyone probably thought a similar thought. I was always the "smart kid" growing up, and everyone figured that my knowledge base in science, language, mathematics and life would prep me for a profession in the medical field, teaching college, or running a company. I was quite a smartie back in high school, and I know that people thought I would take the world by storm. And when I was in high school, I had my mind on one thing only: getting out. I was ready to get out there and show the world who was boss!
Now, I know everyone has dreams of what they might be when they grow up. And many children name the same canned responses for years. I always knew I wanted to be a doctor, and work in the medical field. I know a lot about the body, illnesses, and medications, and how they all work together. Then how did I end up in special education?
By accident. While I was busy being destined for greatness, I worked in a summer program for kids. And all of the students with special needs kept mysteriously being put in my group. Over that summer, I realized I really liked my job. In fact, when I think about it now, it's the only teaching field where it's a perk to have a medical background (students tend to come along with many diagnosis, medications and treatments. It pays to know your stuff!).
Am I happy now? I really hate answering that question, because happiness is a fleeting emotion. I will say I am TIRED right now, because that has remained a constant amidst all of this.
I am content with where I am right now, because I know that I am doing a lot of good for a lot of kids. For a lot of them, I am the voice that will make change happen. Not many people can say that each day they protect the lives of many, while educating them, and ensuring their safety and emotional health. It's exhausting, but it's something I truly love.
And the future? I am halfway done with my first semester in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and I know that will be a field where I will be able to concentrate my focus. I will be able to learn all the clinical and medical information I want, and will be able to apply it in my field. My dream is to bridge teaching and therapy, and I am already making plans for that to happen.
I looked at my calendar today, and realized that this time last year (well, in a few days), I had one of my truly perfect days. I was driving to Chattanooga for work, and stopped to sit on a bench and listen to the wind chimes. I remember I was eating a soft pretzel at the time, and the warmth of the sun on my body warmed my soul. There was such a peace in that day, and such a calm inside me. That was the day I knew everything would be alright, and that my life would go on just fine. It's crazy to see what a year has done for me: I am more assertive and goal-oriented, but I have relaxed a lot more as well. I have had more time and focused more energy on enjoying my kids, and have many more laughs over the past year. I have gotten in much better shape (115 pounds down!) and feel fantastic! I have worked to make and maintain female friendships, and have evaluated my relationships with men. I have also made some fantastic memories over the course of this year, embracing the day and learning not to take myself so seriously.
Now that I think about it, how many people can say that about one year of their lives? Or even their whole life?
Looks like I did take on the world after all. :-)
I thought for a bit on how I ended up at the present. I think everyone has these moments, where they sit in bed at 3am and wonder how they ended up at this exact moment in their lives. I told Travis that this is a perk of being married: so you can wake up the other person and tell them your troubles. He said this is when the male's trait of selective hearing comes in handy!
I had quite a few days like this over the past month. Don't get me wrong; I love my children, my family, friends, job and am content with my current relationship status. I guess it's just that some well-meaning comments by people can be a catalyst for thought. And in my case, it would be WAY too much thought...
As I typed that last statement, I had a mental picture of the face Travis would give me. It's the goofiest and most sarcastic face, and he would say of all the people he's ever met, I would be the least likely to overthink things. :-)
The comment came about like this: I ran into an acquaintance from high school, and was doing the three-minute catchup. I listened to her summary, then gave her mine. I received a "hum..." I looked at her with a glance that asked what her problem was with my summary! Heck, I just gave her the plot for a Lifetime movie! She told me it was nothing; just that she thought for sure I would be something else... besides a teacher. She backed up the comment by saying I was incredibly smart, and she always figured I was destined for greatness...
Well, I have greatness, and they are named Alex and Carly Winn. :-)
I know what she meant though, and everyone probably thought a similar thought. I was always the "smart kid" growing up, and everyone figured that my knowledge base in science, language, mathematics and life would prep me for a profession in the medical field, teaching college, or running a company. I was quite a smartie back in high school, and I know that people thought I would take the world by storm. And when I was in high school, I had my mind on one thing only: getting out. I was ready to get out there and show the world who was boss!
Now, I know everyone has dreams of what they might be when they grow up. And many children name the same canned responses for years. I always knew I wanted to be a doctor, and work in the medical field. I know a lot about the body, illnesses, and medications, and how they all work together. Then how did I end up in special education?
By accident. While I was busy being destined for greatness, I worked in a summer program for kids. And all of the students with special needs kept mysteriously being put in my group. Over that summer, I realized I really liked my job. In fact, when I think about it now, it's the only teaching field where it's a perk to have a medical background (students tend to come along with many diagnosis, medications and treatments. It pays to know your stuff!).
Am I happy now? I really hate answering that question, because happiness is a fleeting emotion. I will say I am TIRED right now, because that has remained a constant amidst all of this.
I am content with where I am right now, because I know that I am doing a lot of good for a lot of kids. For a lot of them, I am the voice that will make change happen. Not many people can say that each day they protect the lives of many, while educating them, and ensuring their safety and emotional health. It's exhausting, but it's something I truly love.
And the future? I am halfway done with my first semester in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and I know that will be a field where I will be able to concentrate my focus. I will be able to learn all the clinical and medical information I want, and will be able to apply it in my field. My dream is to bridge teaching and therapy, and I am already making plans for that to happen.
I looked at my calendar today, and realized that this time last year (well, in a few days), I had one of my truly perfect days. I was driving to Chattanooga for work, and stopped to sit on a bench and listen to the wind chimes. I remember I was eating a soft pretzel at the time, and the warmth of the sun on my body warmed my soul. There was such a peace in that day, and such a calm inside me. That was the day I knew everything would be alright, and that my life would go on just fine. It's crazy to see what a year has done for me: I am more assertive and goal-oriented, but I have relaxed a lot more as well. I have had more time and focused more energy on enjoying my kids, and have many more laughs over the past year. I have gotten in much better shape (115 pounds down!) and feel fantastic! I have worked to make and maintain female friendships, and have evaluated my relationships with men. I have also made some fantastic memories over the course of this year, embracing the day and learning not to take myself so seriously.
Now that I think about it, how many people can say that about one year of their lives? Or even their whole life?
Looks like I did take on the world after all. :-)
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