It seems about this time every year, I get rather reflective. I dwell on the past a bit, worry about the future, and am always unsettled about the present. I blame it on the weather--there's never a consistent week in February and March. It can be 65 degrees one minute, and 30 and snowing the next. Once the renewed hope of Spring comes along, everything is fine.
I thought for a bit on how I ended up at the present. I think everyone has these moments, where they sit in bed at 3am and wonder how they ended up at this exact moment in their lives. I told Travis that this is a perk of being married: so you can wake up the other person and tell them your troubles. He said this is when the male's trait of selective hearing comes in handy!
I had quite a few days like this over the past month. Don't get me wrong; I love my children, my family, friends, job and am content with my current relationship status. I guess it's just that some well-meaning comments by people can be a catalyst for thought. And in my case, it would be WAY too much thought...
As I typed that last statement, I had a mental picture of the face Travis would give me. It's the goofiest and most sarcastic face, and he would say of all the people he's ever met, I would be the least likely to overthink things. :-)
The comment came about like this: I ran into an acquaintance from high school, and was doing the three-minute catchup. I listened to her summary, then gave her mine. I received a "hum..." I looked at her with a glance that asked what her problem was with my summary! Heck, I just gave her the plot for a Lifetime movie! She told me it was nothing; just that she thought for sure I would be something else... besides a teacher. She backed up the comment by saying I was incredibly smart, and she always figured I was destined for greatness...
Well, I have greatness, and they are named Alex and Carly Winn. :-)
I know what she meant though, and everyone probably thought a similar thought. I was always the "smart kid" growing up, and everyone figured that my knowledge base in science, language, mathematics and life would prep me for a profession in the medical field, teaching college, or running a company. I was quite a smartie back in high school, and I know that people thought I would take the world by storm. And when I was in high school, I had my mind on one thing only: getting out. I was ready to get out there and show the world who was boss!
Now, I know everyone has dreams of what they might be when they grow up. And many children name the same canned responses for years. I always knew I wanted to be a doctor, and work in the medical field. I know a lot about the body, illnesses, and medications, and how they all work together. Then how did I end up in special education?
By accident. While I was busy being destined for greatness, I worked in a summer program for kids. And all of the students with special needs kept mysteriously being put in my group. Over that summer, I realized I really liked my job. In fact, when I think about it now, it's the only teaching field where it's a perk to have a medical background (students tend to come along with many diagnosis, medications and treatments. It pays to know your stuff!).
Am I happy now? I really hate answering that question, because happiness is a fleeting emotion. I will say I am TIRED right now, because that has remained a constant amidst all of this.
I am content with where I am right now, because I know that I am doing a lot of good for a lot of kids. For a lot of them, I am the voice that will make change happen. Not many people can say that each day they protect the lives of many, while educating them, and ensuring their safety and emotional health. It's exhausting, but it's something I truly love.
And the future? I am halfway done with my first semester in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and I know that will be a field where I will be able to concentrate my focus. I will be able to learn all the clinical and medical information I want, and will be able to apply it in my field. My dream is to bridge teaching and therapy, and I am already making plans for that to happen.
I looked at my calendar today, and realized that this time last year (well, in a few days), I had one of my truly perfect days. I was driving to Chattanooga for work, and stopped to sit on a bench and listen to the wind chimes. I remember I was eating a soft pretzel at the time, and the warmth of the sun on my body warmed my soul. There was such a peace in that day, and such a calm inside me. That was the day I knew everything would be alright, and that my life would go on just fine. It's crazy to see what a year has done for me: I am more assertive and goal-oriented, but I have relaxed a lot more as well. I have had more time and focused more energy on enjoying my kids, and have many more laughs over the past year. I have gotten in much better shape (115 pounds down!) and feel fantastic! I have worked to make and maintain female friendships, and have evaluated my relationships with men. I have also made some fantastic memories over the course of this year, embracing the day and learning not to take myself so seriously.
Now that I think about it, how many people can say that about one year of their lives? Or even their whole life?
Looks like I did take on the world after all. :-)
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