It's not that I haven't wanted to write; it just seems that I have spent a lot of time doing other things lately. While talking with my friend Robin today, I realized that I had committed to a plan two years ago on this date (that's how the project of 15 Before 30 got started). So, no matter how sleepy I am from travel, it's time to start writing...
I wrote this list of things to do before I turned 40, because I knew they would take a while, and I knew there was significance for each item to play a major part in my life. My 30's are a time of settling down, of reaching goals, and also of exploring and appreciating the world around me. I have always wanted to live a life of balance, but I feel more than ever that I need to find this balance in my life.
In the middle of December, I started feeling strange. I just felt TIRED all the time (I still do, really). I went to have a scan done by my dr (long story, but he was convinced I had another tumor), and they tried for almost an hour to complete the test. For some reason, my body was clotting the blood on contact, making the injection nearly impossible. When they went to change the needle, they pulled massive clots out. I thought I was dying, and wondered what on earth was happening to me.
So, I headed to my primary doctor and talked with her. She agreed to run blood work, and checked me over. I told her I was by no means depressed, but I felt VERY exhausted at this point. She said we'd find out the results the next day. I went home, and promptly went to bed.
I woke up the next morning, and I'll never forget the feeling. It was like my brain had no connection with my body. I had to go to the bathroom, but my brain wouldn't tell my body to get up and go. I felt spacey (what I imagine being stoned is like), and my face was tingly. I had a headache that hadn't gone away for a week at that point, so that was also nagging at me. When I went to speak to my son, I realized my speech was really slow.
I did what any logical level-headed person does when feeling this bad: I called the guy I've been dating (at work), and cried to him. Yeah, that was pretty uncharacteristic of me, so I'm guessing I felt BAD. I decided to go to the doctor and get looked at. My mother came home from work and drove me, because a shower almost did me in. When I arrived, the doctor took one look at me and sent me to the hospital. She noted that my left pupil wasn't dilating like it should, and my face numbness and weakness was concerning her. She was afraid I was having a stroke, and wanted imaging IMMEDIATELY.
Well, insurance can be a pain. I was sent for CT and CT-A scans, but insurance said they wanted four hours to review my file. I could be dead at that point, so my doctor told me to travel to Murfreesboro and go to the ER. That way, they could run the tests in less time, and potentially save my life. So, we took the trek up there, and sat for the evening.
I can say nothing but good things about the hospital in Murfreesboro. As soon as I came in, they already knew my situation (my doc had called ahead). I was processed quickly, and was hooked up to an EKG and had blood work within 10 minutes of arriving. They were really working hard to assess me quickly, and even had meds for pain and nausea within a pretty quick time. I started to feel better once I was there, but was still incredibly tired. I was also concerned about flying at this point (I would fly cross-country two days later).
I was told that what I had was a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA), and it is otherwise referred to as a mini-stroke. Pretty much, blood flow was interrupted temporarily to the brain, which gave me all of those effects. I was put on aspirin to thin my blood, and told to rest, relax, and drink plenty of fluids. I was also told to see a neurologist SOON. There's a pretty decent risk of impending stroke if I do nothing, so that was a good wake-up call to evaluate life, and realize that I had a lot of control over the stress I was letting in my world.
So, as I sit here today, I am thinking about what it will take it get my life into balance. I take on too much stress of the life around me, and I know it will kill me. I've always been a kind, compassionate and hard-working person, and those traits can do a lot of harm if they aren't cultivated in the right setting.
I want to go back to school. I know I am already in the program, but I had to stop when the cancer arrived. I want to get back to learning about what I really enjoy, and finding a way to help people around me.
I want to look at how my skills can be matched with the world around me to leave me fulfilled. I know I am thirty-one and saying this, but I guess it's better than waking up miserable when I am 40 or 50. I know that I don't have to be happy every minute of my life, but I also know that I need to feel content, and I don't need to go on nerve pills just to exist.
I am enjoying the relationships and friendships around me, and I'd like to take time to cultivate those. I really love that I have three good female friends that I can lean on, and I enjoy a relaxed relationship with Jason. I like where I am at during this time, but I'd like to make sure I can keep these things going. I know that takes work and attention, but it's worth the time and effort for the great results.
I also need to complete a task off of my list. I was sitting here today, thinking about all of the projects, and about my life in general. It's been a pretty rocky 2013 for me, and I can't wait to push it out and welcome 2014. I decided my first project to be completed soon will be going to see the Before I Die Wall in New Orleans. I had come across this place and the idea of the trip in 2011, and have tabled the idea for two years. It's time for the project to continue, and I honestly can't think of a better place to go to get inspiration for how to live a life of balance, and to appreciate each moment. Once our travel plans are complete, I'll let you know the plan! :-)
I'll be spending a low-key New Year's Eve with someone special, so I won't be making a post before the end of the year. But I will be thinking about this project, and about making these changes in my life. If 2013 was the year of catastrophe, then 2014 can be the year of metamorphosis. Carly asked if humans go through metamorphosis like butterflies, and my response was "most definitely!" My explanation was a bit over her head, but I appreciated getting to tell my daughter that amazing things happen when the body goes through stresses and traumas to grow. We all change and evolve, and it's amazing to see how those past transgressions shape our current beings. 2014 will be a year of spreading my wings.
Showing posts with label friendships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendships. Show all posts
Monday, December 30, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
An Evening with Jere
This past Thursday, I had the pleasure of joining a good friend for an evening of dinner and schmoozing at a fancy benefit dinner. The event was the CABIA Annual Benefit dinner, and that is the Chattanooga Area Brain Injury Association. Suffice it to say that everyone in that room (all 150+) were in some way touched by brain injury. If you'd like a slap in the face of the reality around you, attending a dinner such as this would be a great way to do so.
Jere sent me a message Tuesday, asking me to attend the dinner with him. He was worried it was too short notice, though I remembered that I was supposed to have the event on my calendar in the first place. I arranged a babysitter, and told him I'd be there. I remember sending a message back to him asking what the attire would be. His response: "wear pearls and comfortable shoes." It seems I never get a typical response from Jere.
I realized I hadn't worn a dress in ages. I guess the last time I wore one was graduation night, and that was only briefly enough to get to the event and back home. I am not a dress person, but it seemed that the evening would be a reason to delve into something new. Tuesday evening, after class, I hit the clothing stores looking for a dress.
The other task was interesting: I did ask my boyfriend if it was ok that I attended a swanky dinner with another man. This seemed to be a strange question, because it was an all-around weird situation. Jere was "another man," but it was definitely different with him. He was a good friend, a kindred spirit, and it was a different type of relationship from the normal "other men" that are out there. Travis said he could have me for twenty bucks... I am thankful I am dating an understanding man. :-)
On Thursday, I finished work and took off down the interstate. I remember curling my hair and changing clothes between classes! I knew that even if I left at 3pm, I would barely make it to the dinner in time. I pulled up to the location, The Mill in Chattanooga, and saw Jere wandering around the parking lot.
Jere looked whimsically dapper. He was cleaned up, with a dress shirt, tie, and coat. I was entertained with how the colors did not match, but complemented each other so well. It gave him the look of an absent-minded professor, but made him absolutely charming at the same time. He gave me the once over, and told me I looked splendid. We went inside to check in and find our table.
Through the evening, we talked with many people who have themselves dealt with brain injury. The whole experience made me realize how little I talk about the subject. I guess even though I have wanted to interview people and write about it, the whole experience to me is just something I need to suck up and deal with. I guess I feel like rehashing all of my feelings over and over again will just waste time. I do know better of this now, and realize there is a tremendous amount of support around me, if I am willing to ask. I met a woman that has almost no short-term memory, and always meets someone new (even when she has met you twenty times before). I met a few people that shared physical disabilities along with their brain injuries. We sat with a couple that actually met, dated and married AFTER the brain injury had occurred (which gave me hope). All in all, it was an absolutely wonderful evening.
The speaker was a lawyer from Atlanta that had suffered a brain injury in 2004, after a car accident. He talked about reach out to those around you, and to spreading knowledge of brain injury. Everyone knows what concussions are, but very few people understand the effects of brain injury, and that the recovery is life-long. There are so many people that are so very lucky to be alive, but that doesn't mean they aren't still pushing and clawing their way through life. Recovery is never meant to be easy, and a life-long recovery can be grueling.
After hearing him speak, we said our goodbyes to those around us. Jere and I made small talk all the way to the parking lot, where he asked me if I would be able to drive home. I told him I should be ok, as I let out a yawn. He told me I needed coffee, and that we would grab a quick cup of coffee before I hit the road. I got in my car to follow him, and we drove through the streets of Chattanooga, in search of liquid energy.
Following Jere through the streets of Chattanooga is like following him in any conversation. He is incredibly intelligent and quick-witted, but he also makes connections and turns that most people don't see. Trying to keep up with him leaves me mentally exhausted. I was relieved when we pulled into the parking spots at the Bluff Art District. We would be visiting Rembrandt's, the coffee shop where we first met and talked.
I did a quick mental calculation, and realized it was just about one year ago that we made our first trek to the coffee shop. I didn't say a word, because I knew that this tidbit was probably irrelevant. We got out of the cars and walked to the shop. I am always entertained by the glances and fake smiles we receive when walking about town together--it must look strange to see a white-haired sixty-one year-old with a young, thirty year-old brunette. I chuckled to myself, because those people didn't realize that this wasn't some strange relationship they read about in the tabloids. This was the meeting of good friends, ready to connect and share their life experiences over coffee.
Inside, I ordered a cup of coffee and a dessert, and he did the same. We sat down at the table and began to chat while our order was being prepared. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was ready to get down to the real conversation. It's hard to be ourselves in front of all of those people. As much as we make sense to each other, I believe our conversation would seem odd in front of an audience.
He asked me about my experience in court earlier that day. I told him about the drudgery of dealing with child support court, and he commented that he expected sparks to fly and fire to come from my eyes when I spoke of my ex-husband. I told him that honestly, he wasn't worth that much energy anymore. There are bigger and better things ahead of me, and those thoughts would only hold me back.
We moved on to talk about brain injury. I couldn't tell if my thoughts were coherent at that point, but he seemed to understand. He always seems to understand what I am saying, even when I am not quite sure I am saying real words. I tell him how frustrating it is to deal with the recovery, how I have great days where I feel like I am the "old me," and then many other days where I can't even remember who the "old me" was. My frustrations are with my processing speed, my memory, and my indifference to the people around me on any given day. I know that all of these are valid complaints for someone with a traumatic brain injury, but I still don't like it. I know the biggest part of me that hasn't recovered is my spirit, because I am still grieving the person I thought I was before the accident.
I say that because sometimes I become confused. Sometimes I wonder if I am remembering who I once was, or if I am having thoughts of who I always wanted to be. And since everyone around me seems to want to cut me a lot of slack, I have to depend on myself to remember what life was like before. And Jere, bless his heart, worries I don't get enough sleep and give my body enough time to heal. I know he's right, but I still feel like I am making up for lost time. Every day, I wake up and go to bed feeling that way. Sometimes I take it in stride, and sometimes it terrifies me.
Toward the end of our conversation, we talk about writing together again. The whole reason we ever came together was because I was writing, and he was someone I needed to interview. This evolved into him helping me write, then a joint effort. Through the year we have both gone through peaks and valleys, and our writing effort has suffered. This evening was a time that we could make plans to write, and to make a commitment to finally doing something about it.
Eventually, the coffee and dessert were gone, and I realized I had an almost-two hour drive home. We walked out of the shop, and down the street. He told me about how his house was going on the market, and he would be moving to North Carolina. I could feel my heart stop, because I wasn't liking the idea of him moving so far away. It's not like we see each other even weekly, but I like knowing he's only a few hours away anytime I've needed to chat.
We walked to our cars, parked on top of the bridge, and turned to say our goodbyes. He grabbed me and pulled me close to hug me, and I felt the stress of the day fade away. He told me how much he leaned on me, and I almost cried when I thought about how much I have leaned on him over the past year. I honestly owed much of my success in this past year to how grounded he has made me feel. Having someone who has been to hell and back, for just about the same reason, can make the world of difference. Being able to say whatever I want, whenever I want, and knowing he has felt the same way makes a big difference in dealing with issues. And knowing that whenever I try to convince myself of something, he will be there to call me out on my BS and push me to find the truth. THAT is the mark of a special relationship. Whatever happens from here on out, I know that this has been a truly magical time for me.
I also had a brief moment where I wondered if the people driving below had looked up to see us. I wondered what they saw while driving--a man with silvery hair, holding a young woman for dear life, on top of a moonlit bridge. I wondered if anyone questioned the peculiarity of our pairing. I know I've questioned it often, but have always remained grateful for divine intervention.
And Lisa Morgan. You see, Lisa Morgan is the woman that introduced us a year ago in Siskin Rehabilitation Hospital. I can remember it like it was yesterday... Jere walked through the door, and Lisa told us we could go sit in the cafeteria and talk. His response: "cafeteria food sucks!" He then looked at me, a stranger, and said "Let's go somewhere else and eat. I'm driving."
I looked at him, and gave an immediate response of "sure!" I hadn't thought through the fact that I didn't know the extent of his brain injury. I only knew that this would be someone interesting, and I was determined to find some adventure. I remember Lisa's final words as we walked out the door together:
"Don't let me see you two on the news!!!"
Jere sent me a message Tuesday, asking me to attend the dinner with him. He was worried it was too short notice, though I remembered that I was supposed to have the event on my calendar in the first place. I arranged a babysitter, and told him I'd be there. I remember sending a message back to him asking what the attire would be. His response: "wear pearls and comfortable shoes." It seems I never get a typical response from Jere.
I realized I hadn't worn a dress in ages. I guess the last time I wore one was graduation night, and that was only briefly enough to get to the event and back home. I am not a dress person, but it seemed that the evening would be a reason to delve into something new. Tuesday evening, after class, I hit the clothing stores looking for a dress.
The other task was interesting: I did ask my boyfriend if it was ok that I attended a swanky dinner with another man. This seemed to be a strange question, because it was an all-around weird situation. Jere was "another man," but it was definitely different with him. He was a good friend, a kindred spirit, and it was a different type of relationship from the normal "other men" that are out there. Travis said he could have me for twenty bucks... I am thankful I am dating an understanding man. :-)
On Thursday, I finished work and took off down the interstate. I remember curling my hair and changing clothes between classes! I knew that even if I left at 3pm, I would barely make it to the dinner in time. I pulled up to the location, The Mill in Chattanooga, and saw Jere wandering around the parking lot.
Jere looked whimsically dapper. He was cleaned up, with a dress shirt, tie, and coat. I was entertained with how the colors did not match, but complemented each other so well. It gave him the look of an absent-minded professor, but made him absolutely charming at the same time. He gave me the once over, and told me I looked splendid. We went inside to check in and find our table.
Through the evening, we talked with many people who have themselves dealt with brain injury. The whole experience made me realize how little I talk about the subject. I guess even though I have wanted to interview people and write about it, the whole experience to me is just something I need to suck up and deal with. I guess I feel like rehashing all of my feelings over and over again will just waste time. I do know better of this now, and realize there is a tremendous amount of support around me, if I am willing to ask. I met a woman that has almost no short-term memory, and always meets someone new (even when she has met you twenty times before). I met a few people that shared physical disabilities along with their brain injuries. We sat with a couple that actually met, dated and married AFTER the brain injury had occurred (which gave me hope). All in all, it was an absolutely wonderful evening.
The speaker was a lawyer from Atlanta that had suffered a brain injury in 2004, after a car accident. He talked about reach out to those around you, and to spreading knowledge of brain injury. Everyone knows what concussions are, but very few people understand the effects of brain injury, and that the recovery is life-long. There are so many people that are so very lucky to be alive, but that doesn't mean they aren't still pushing and clawing their way through life. Recovery is never meant to be easy, and a life-long recovery can be grueling.
After hearing him speak, we said our goodbyes to those around us. Jere and I made small talk all the way to the parking lot, where he asked me if I would be able to drive home. I told him I should be ok, as I let out a yawn. He told me I needed coffee, and that we would grab a quick cup of coffee before I hit the road. I got in my car to follow him, and we drove through the streets of Chattanooga, in search of liquid energy.
Following Jere through the streets of Chattanooga is like following him in any conversation. He is incredibly intelligent and quick-witted, but he also makes connections and turns that most people don't see. Trying to keep up with him leaves me mentally exhausted. I was relieved when we pulled into the parking spots at the Bluff Art District. We would be visiting Rembrandt's, the coffee shop where we first met and talked.
I did a quick mental calculation, and realized it was just about one year ago that we made our first trek to the coffee shop. I didn't say a word, because I knew that this tidbit was probably irrelevant. We got out of the cars and walked to the shop. I am always entertained by the glances and fake smiles we receive when walking about town together--it must look strange to see a white-haired sixty-one year-old with a young, thirty year-old brunette. I chuckled to myself, because those people didn't realize that this wasn't some strange relationship they read about in the tabloids. This was the meeting of good friends, ready to connect and share their life experiences over coffee.
Inside, I ordered a cup of coffee and a dessert, and he did the same. We sat down at the table and began to chat while our order was being prepared. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was ready to get down to the real conversation. It's hard to be ourselves in front of all of those people. As much as we make sense to each other, I believe our conversation would seem odd in front of an audience.
He asked me about my experience in court earlier that day. I told him about the drudgery of dealing with child support court, and he commented that he expected sparks to fly and fire to come from my eyes when I spoke of my ex-husband. I told him that honestly, he wasn't worth that much energy anymore. There are bigger and better things ahead of me, and those thoughts would only hold me back.
We moved on to talk about brain injury. I couldn't tell if my thoughts were coherent at that point, but he seemed to understand. He always seems to understand what I am saying, even when I am not quite sure I am saying real words. I tell him how frustrating it is to deal with the recovery, how I have great days where I feel like I am the "old me," and then many other days where I can't even remember who the "old me" was. My frustrations are with my processing speed, my memory, and my indifference to the people around me on any given day. I know that all of these are valid complaints for someone with a traumatic brain injury, but I still don't like it. I know the biggest part of me that hasn't recovered is my spirit, because I am still grieving the person I thought I was before the accident.
I say that because sometimes I become confused. Sometimes I wonder if I am remembering who I once was, or if I am having thoughts of who I always wanted to be. And since everyone around me seems to want to cut me a lot of slack, I have to depend on myself to remember what life was like before. And Jere, bless his heart, worries I don't get enough sleep and give my body enough time to heal. I know he's right, but I still feel like I am making up for lost time. Every day, I wake up and go to bed feeling that way. Sometimes I take it in stride, and sometimes it terrifies me.
Toward the end of our conversation, we talk about writing together again. The whole reason we ever came together was because I was writing, and he was someone I needed to interview. This evolved into him helping me write, then a joint effort. Through the year we have both gone through peaks and valleys, and our writing effort has suffered. This evening was a time that we could make plans to write, and to make a commitment to finally doing something about it.
Eventually, the coffee and dessert were gone, and I realized I had an almost-two hour drive home. We walked out of the shop, and down the street. He told me about how his house was going on the market, and he would be moving to North Carolina. I could feel my heart stop, because I wasn't liking the idea of him moving so far away. It's not like we see each other even weekly, but I like knowing he's only a few hours away anytime I've needed to chat.
We walked to our cars, parked on top of the bridge, and turned to say our goodbyes. He grabbed me and pulled me close to hug me, and I felt the stress of the day fade away. He told me how much he leaned on me, and I almost cried when I thought about how much I have leaned on him over the past year. I honestly owed much of my success in this past year to how grounded he has made me feel. Having someone who has been to hell and back, for just about the same reason, can make the world of difference. Being able to say whatever I want, whenever I want, and knowing he has felt the same way makes a big difference in dealing with issues. And knowing that whenever I try to convince myself of something, he will be there to call me out on my BS and push me to find the truth. THAT is the mark of a special relationship. Whatever happens from here on out, I know that this has been a truly magical time for me.
I also had a brief moment where I wondered if the people driving below had looked up to see us. I wondered what they saw while driving--a man with silvery hair, holding a young woman for dear life, on top of a moonlit bridge. I wondered if anyone questioned the peculiarity of our pairing. I know I've questioned it often, but have always remained grateful for divine intervention.
And Lisa Morgan. You see, Lisa Morgan is the woman that introduced us a year ago in Siskin Rehabilitation Hospital. I can remember it like it was yesterday... Jere walked through the door, and Lisa told us we could go sit in the cafeteria and talk. His response: "cafeteria food sucks!" He then looked at me, a stranger, and said "Let's go somewhere else and eat. I'm driving."
I looked at him, and gave an immediate response of "sure!" I hadn't thought through the fact that I didn't know the extent of his brain injury. I only knew that this would be someone interesting, and I was determined to find some adventure. I remember Lisa's final words as we walked out the door together:
"Don't let me see you two on the news!!!"
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Another Month Behind Me
It seems about this time every year, I get rather reflective. I dwell on the past a bit, worry about the future, and am always unsettled about the present. I blame it on the weather--there's never a consistent week in February and March. It can be 65 degrees one minute, and 30 and snowing the next. Once the renewed hope of Spring comes along, everything is fine.
I thought for a bit on how I ended up at the present. I think everyone has these moments, where they sit in bed at 3am and wonder how they ended up at this exact moment in their lives. I told Travis that this is a perk of being married: so you can wake up the other person and tell them your troubles. He said this is when the male's trait of selective hearing comes in handy!
I had quite a few days like this over the past month. Don't get me wrong; I love my children, my family, friends, job and am content with my current relationship status. I guess it's just that some well-meaning comments by people can be a catalyst for thought. And in my case, it would be WAY too much thought...
As I typed that last statement, I had a mental picture of the face Travis would give me. It's the goofiest and most sarcastic face, and he would say of all the people he's ever met, I would be the least likely to overthink things. :-)
The comment came about like this: I ran into an acquaintance from high school, and was doing the three-minute catchup. I listened to her summary, then gave her mine. I received a "hum..." I looked at her with a glance that asked what her problem was with my summary! Heck, I just gave her the plot for a Lifetime movie! She told me it was nothing; just that she thought for sure I would be something else... besides a teacher. She backed up the comment by saying I was incredibly smart, and she always figured I was destined for greatness...
Well, I have greatness, and they are named Alex and Carly Winn. :-)
I know what she meant though, and everyone probably thought a similar thought. I was always the "smart kid" growing up, and everyone figured that my knowledge base in science, language, mathematics and life would prep me for a profession in the medical field, teaching college, or running a company. I was quite a smartie back in high school, and I know that people thought I would take the world by storm. And when I was in high school, I had my mind on one thing only: getting out. I was ready to get out there and show the world who was boss!
Now, I know everyone has dreams of what they might be when they grow up. And many children name the same canned responses for years. I always knew I wanted to be a doctor, and work in the medical field. I know a lot about the body, illnesses, and medications, and how they all work together. Then how did I end up in special education?
By accident. While I was busy being destined for greatness, I worked in a summer program for kids. And all of the students with special needs kept mysteriously being put in my group. Over that summer, I realized I really liked my job. In fact, when I think about it now, it's the only teaching field where it's a perk to have a medical background (students tend to come along with many diagnosis, medications and treatments. It pays to know your stuff!).
Am I happy now? I really hate answering that question, because happiness is a fleeting emotion. I will say I am TIRED right now, because that has remained a constant amidst all of this.
I am content with where I am right now, because I know that I am doing a lot of good for a lot of kids. For a lot of them, I am the voice that will make change happen. Not many people can say that each day they protect the lives of many, while educating them, and ensuring their safety and emotional health. It's exhausting, but it's something I truly love.
And the future? I am halfway done with my first semester in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and I know that will be a field where I will be able to concentrate my focus. I will be able to learn all the clinical and medical information I want, and will be able to apply it in my field. My dream is to bridge teaching and therapy, and I am already making plans for that to happen.
I looked at my calendar today, and realized that this time last year (well, in a few days), I had one of my truly perfect days. I was driving to Chattanooga for work, and stopped to sit on a bench and listen to the wind chimes. I remember I was eating a soft pretzel at the time, and the warmth of the sun on my body warmed my soul. There was such a peace in that day, and such a calm inside me. That was the day I knew everything would be alright, and that my life would go on just fine. It's crazy to see what a year has done for me: I am more assertive and goal-oriented, but I have relaxed a lot more as well. I have had more time and focused more energy on enjoying my kids, and have many more laughs over the past year. I have gotten in much better shape (115 pounds down!) and feel fantastic! I have worked to make and maintain female friendships, and have evaluated my relationships with men. I have also made some fantastic memories over the course of this year, embracing the day and learning not to take myself so seriously.
Now that I think about it, how many people can say that about one year of their lives? Or even their whole life?
Looks like I did take on the world after all. :-)
I thought for a bit on how I ended up at the present. I think everyone has these moments, where they sit in bed at 3am and wonder how they ended up at this exact moment in their lives. I told Travis that this is a perk of being married: so you can wake up the other person and tell them your troubles. He said this is when the male's trait of selective hearing comes in handy!
I had quite a few days like this over the past month. Don't get me wrong; I love my children, my family, friends, job and am content with my current relationship status. I guess it's just that some well-meaning comments by people can be a catalyst for thought. And in my case, it would be WAY too much thought...
As I typed that last statement, I had a mental picture of the face Travis would give me. It's the goofiest and most sarcastic face, and he would say of all the people he's ever met, I would be the least likely to overthink things. :-)
The comment came about like this: I ran into an acquaintance from high school, and was doing the three-minute catchup. I listened to her summary, then gave her mine. I received a "hum..." I looked at her with a glance that asked what her problem was with my summary! Heck, I just gave her the plot for a Lifetime movie! She told me it was nothing; just that she thought for sure I would be something else... besides a teacher. She backed up the comment by saying I was incredibly smart, and she always figured I was destined for greatness...
Well, I have greatness, and they are named Alex and Carly Winn. :-)
I know what she meant though, and everyone probably thought a similar thought. I was always the "smart kid" growing up, and everyone figured that my knowledge base in science, language, mathematics and life would prep me for a profession in the medical field, teaching college, or running a company. I was quite a smartie back in high school, and I know that people thought I would take the world by storm. And when I was in high school, I had my mind on one thing only: getting out. I was ready to get out there and show the world who was boss!
Now, I know everyone has dreams of what they might be when they grow up. And many children name the same canned responses for years. I always knew I wanted to be a doctor, and work in the medical field. I know a lot about the body, illnesses, and medications, and how they all work together. Then how did I end up in special education?
By accident. While I was busy being destined for greatness, I worked in a summer program for kids. And all of the students with special needs kept mysteriously being put in my group. Over that summer, I realized I really liked my job. In fact, when I think about it now, it's the only teaching field where it's a perk to have a medical background (students tend to come along with many diagnosis, medications and treatments. It pays to know your stuff!).
Am I happy now? I really hate answering that question, because happiness is a fleeting emotion. I will say I am TIRED right now, because that has remained a constant amidst all of this.
I am content with where I am right now, because I know that I am doing a lot of good for a lot of kids. For a lot of them, I am the voice that will make change happen. Not many people can say that each day they protect the lives of many, while educating them, and ensuring their safety and emotional health. It's exhausting, but it's something I truly love.
And the future? I am halfway done with my first semester in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and I know that will be a field where I will be able to concentrate my focus. I will be able to learn all the clinical and medical information I want, and will be able to apply it in my field. My dream is to bridge teaching and therapy, and I am already making plans for that to happen.
I looked at my calendar today, and realized that this time last year (well, in a few days), I had one of my truly perfect days. I was driving to Chattanooga for work, and stopped to sit on a bench and listen to the wind chimes. I remember I was eating a soft pretzel at the time, and the warmth of the sun on my body warmed my soul. There was such a peace in that day, and such a calm inside me. That was the day I knew everything would be alright, and that my life would go on just fine. It's crazy to see what a year has done for me: I am more assertive and goal-oriented, but I have relaxed a lot more as well. I have had more time and focused more energy on enjoying my kids, and have many more laughs over the past year. I have gotten in much better shape (115 pounds down!) and feel fantastic! I have worked to make and maintain female friendships, and have evaluated my relationships with men. I have also made some fantastic memories over the course of this year, embracing the day and learning not to take myself so seriously.
Now that I think about it, how many people can say that about one year of their lives? Or even their whole life?
Looks like I did take on the world after all. :-)
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