Graduation

I sat here tonight and stared at the computer screen.  I told myself I would be done with this project by last night, so I could give the seniors their gifts at the picnic.  Yesterday came and went, and I tried to give myself an excuse ("I'm exhausted" has been the latest one, because it's mostly true!). 

The reality is that I didn't do anything, because I didn't know what to write.  Or rather, I didn't know if I should be truthful to them.

My idea was to give them a journal to record the next year of their life, and I would write them a letter in the front.  But how do you write a touching and sentimental letter without sounding like a total sap, without making them cry, and without throwing in the "I've seen what's really important, and trust me- a lot of what you think is important isn't!!"

I want them to get out there and make their own lives, and I want them to take the chances and make the mistakes.  That's where memories come from! If life goes perfectly as planned, there aren't a lot of great stories to share with others.  Still, I was a bit guarded about what I needed to write.  I took a moment to think about my high school graduation (which took forever, because no one warned ME to write things down!).

I told my mother after remembering, that I had a frontal lobe that developed way before everyone else.  Her response: "you and your frontal lobe..."  I love my mother, and the fact that she laughs at my response.  The reality is I couldn't remember much about graduation, because I guess I knew there would be more important moments in my life. I remember that I wore my ruby slippers to the ceremony (when the rule was to wear black dress shoes). I remember that the picture of me shaking the principal and superintendent's hands while receiving my diploma feature their disdainful looks while looking down at my shoes. :-)  I remember realizing that college was a reality, because there was no more high school left for me.

So I guess I felt doom.  Expectations were out there, and I wondered if I could hack it.

No one told me to LIVE THEN. They told me to get out there, set goals, reach them, and have a great life. They didn't warn me that life was happening while I was trying to REACH the goals! No one warned me that whether I went to college for one month or ten years, that life was still going to happen; and that many of the things that happened to me were chance.  And no one told me how bad regret would feel--how when I really took a good look back at that time of my life, I regretted not taking more chances.  I was too terrified of failure- that the balls I was juggling would come tumbling down if I didn't keep up the pace.

Well, guess what? They came tumbling down.  And I turned out just fine.  And then I realized that, if anything, I wanted to warn the people that came after me.  To let them know that it's ok to have big dreams, that they can achieve them, but that they need to include fun and experience along the way.

And without sounding like some downer or an overly spiritual person (in light of my current situation), I wanted to let them know that they shouldn't plan to live to be 100.  Because they might stare in the mirror at age 30, and wonder how (and if) the next year will turn out.  And then they will REALLY regret all of these chances they didn't take.  And the retirement account they tried to create, or the savings for "when I live my life" won't really matter.  And THEN, they'll wish someone told them.

So, my gift to these students? Yes, it's a journal and a letter. But really, it's a challenge.  A challenge to get out there in the world and LIVE in it.  To take risks, to make memories, and to record them.  I don't want them to fear the world around them, and I want them to get out and explore every piece of it they can.  And what happens if they fail? At least there's a story to tell.  Heck, some of my best stories were from my failures.  And I wanted them to know they don't need to be afraid to love. These really are my two big things I want to leave behind in this world, and a good start is in 30 journals to new adults.

Graduation is a cool thing in the metamorphosis of life; it symbolizes both an ending, and a new beginning. I guess everything is cyclical, but there are few great moments that are publicly celebrated as both.  For us introspective folks, we can always see this reality.  For new graduates, I imagine this duality is terrifying.  I know great change is only scary when people focus on failure.  When we see all the opportunity, and aren't afraid to fail, that is when we LIVE.

I also brought up my list I created, and how I have really lived more in the past two-three years than I did my whole life before then. I don't want them to feel the same way- I want their lives to start now.  I can't control the future, but I can inspire it.

Last night we had the picnic of the National Honor Society, and all of the attendants were seniors. One member asked me, "is your treatment after graduation?"  Earlier yesterday, I had the doctor call to try to schedule my treatment to start on graduation day. I know it sounded trivial to him, but I told him I couldn't miss graduation for treatment.  I wanted to say goodbye before I moved on.  And I have a feeling this student was feeling the same way.

I know that I have every possibility of making it through this treatment with little after-effect, and going on to live a relatively normal life.  I also know there's a possibility of recurrence, or that my body will never be the same after treatment (that's the risk I had to weigh).  And I know it was these thoughts that made it hard to write the letter. I tried not to capture the urgency of my final words, or something crazy like that. I wanted a message of hope, and something to inspire them.

Not something to remember me by.... I'll leave my manifesto for that. ;-)

Another Month Behind Me

It seems about this time every year, I get rather reflective.  I dwell on the past a bit, worry about the future, and am always unsettled about the present. I blame it on the weather--there's never a consistent week in February and March.  It can be 65 degrees one minute, and 30 and snowing the next.  Once the renewed hope of Spring comes along, everything is fine.

I thought for a bit on how I ended up at the present.  I think everyone has these moments, where they sit in bed at 3am and wonder how they ended up at this exact moment in their lives.  I told Travis that this is a perk of being married: so you can wake up the other person and tell them your troubles.  He said this is when the male's trait of selective hearing comes in handy!

I had quite a few days like this over the past month.  Don't get me wrong; I love my children, my family, friends, job and am content with my current relationship status.  I guess it's just that some well-meaning comments by people can be a catalyst for thought.  And in my case, it would be WAY too much thought...

As I typed that last statement, I had a mental picture of the face Travis would give me.  It's the goofiest and most sarcastic face, and he would say of all the people he's ever met, I would be the least likely to overthink things.  :-)

The comment came about like this: I ran into an acquaintance from high school, and was doing the three-minute catchup.  I listened to her summary, then gave her mine.  I received a "hum..."  I looked at her with a glance that asked what her problem was with my summary! Heck, I just gave her the plot for a Lifetime movie!  She told me it was nothing; just that she thought for sure I would be something else... besides a teacher.  She backed up the comment by saying I was incredibly smart, and she always figured I was destined for greatness...

Well, I have greatness, and they are named Alex and Carly Winn. :-)

I know what she meant though, and everyone probably thought a similar thought.  I was always the "smart kid" growing up, and everyone figured that my knowledge base in science, language, mathematics and life would prep me for a profession in the medical field, teaching college, or running a company.  I was quite a smartie back in high school, and I know that people thought I would take the world by storm.  And when I was in high school, I had my mind on one thing only: getting out. I was ready to get out there and show the world who was boss!

Now, I know everyone has dreams of what they might be when they grow up. And many children name the same canned responses for years.  I always knew I wanted to be a doctor, and work in the medical field. I know a lot about the body, illnesses, and medications, and how they all work together. Then how did I end up in special education?

By accident.  While I was busy being destined for greatness, I worked in a summer program for kids.  And all of the students with special needs kept mysteriously being put in my group.  Over that summer, I realized I really liked my job.  In fact, when I think about it now, it's the only teaching field where it's a perk to have a medical background (students tend to come along with many diagnosis, medications and treatments. It pays to know your stuff!).

Am I happy now? I really hate answering that question, because happiness is a fleeting emotion. I will say I am TIRED right now, because that has remained a constant amidst all of this.

I am content with where I am right now, because I know that I am doing a lot of good for a lot of kids.  For a lot of them, I am the voice that will make change happen.  Not many people can say that each day they protect the lives of many, while educating them, and ensuring their safety and emotional health. It's exhausting, but it's something I truly love.

And the future? I am halfway done with my first semester in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and I know that will be a field where I will be able to concentrate my focus.  I will be able to learn all the clinical and medical information I want, and will be able to apply it in my field.  My dream is to bridge teaching and therapy, and I am already making plans for that to happen. 

I looked at my calendar today, and realized that this time last year (well, in a few days), I had one of my truly perfect days.  I was driving to Chattanooga for work, and stopped to sit on a bench and listen to the wind chimes.  I remember I was eating a soft pretzel at the time, and the warmth of the sun on my body warmed my soul.  There was such a peace in that day, and such a calm inside me.  That was the day I knew everything would be alright, and that my life would go on just fine.  It's crazy to see what a year has done for me: I am more assertive and goal-oriented, but I have relaxed a lot more as well.  I have had more time and focused more energy on enjoying my kids, and have many more laughs over the past year.  I have gotten in much better shape (115 pounds down!) and feel fantastic!  I have worked to make and maintain female friendships, and have evaluated my relationships with men.  I have also made some fantastic memories over the course of this year, embracing the day and learning not to take myself so seriously.

Now that I think about it, how many people can say that about one year of their lives? Or even their whole life?

Looks like I did take on the world after all. :-)