Listen...

I have thought about those moments in your life that you will always remember; I guess it's the ones that give you a strong emotional reaction. When I feel strong feelings in my body, you will bet I will remember the moment for many years to come.

There have been utterly fantastic moments that have caused those feelings, but there have also been tough times.  I have always maintained that despite the rough patches, I lead an utterly awesome life.  I have appreciated all the moments that have come my way, even if I didn't really enjoy them at the time.

Breakups are never easy.  I don't know anyone that enjoys the process.  I will say that over the years, I have had some times that I was really invested, and other times that I was rather ambivalent about breaking up with someone.

When I got a divorce, I took a long look at my life, and at who I was.  I saw that I was an incredibly strong woman, but I didn't enjoy getting hurt.  I don't think it was a conscious decision, but a giant wall was built around my heart.  I did a really good job of letting people believe I was attached while maintaining a safe distance.  I figured it would be easier to move on if I didn't have my whole life invested.

As you can imagine, this didn't do much more than buy me time. I went through a few relationships, and knew that at least part of their demise had to do with me shutting part of myself off from people.  So, fairly recently, I sat myself down and had a good talk. I was over with the idea of maintaining my wall; it was time for the wall to come tumbling down.

A few months ago, I started dating someone. Everything moved pretty smoothly, and I could feel the wall starting to come down. I am a good-natured and pretty easy-going person, but I always wanted to make sure I wasn't invested so I couldn't get hurt. I thought I'd give it a try, this idea of letting my guard down.

Well, strange things happen when I let my guard down: I start to have actual feelings for people. Now this is where it gets tricky. In the grand scheme of things, it seems that we are all just meandering about, with all of our insecurities and issues, and we are waiting until we bump into someone that is at the same place we are at.  This might mean that some of us aren't over past loves, some of us prefer to be stuck in our current state, or some of us don't want to take a good look in the mirror and admit what is going on in our lives.  Regardless of the reasons, I know that it takes an awful lot to make two people make it work. It almost seems like the stars have to be aligned perfectly.

And a relationship is only as strong as the least-invested person.  When that person doesn't really know what he wants, you can imagine how strong THAT relationship is...  I think it's best at that moment to abort mission.

Doesn't mean that everything feels good though.  Honestly it sucks. I think what sucks more than anything is that "told you so" moment I had, looking myself in the mirror after the phone call. I took a good long look at myself, and silently thought "see what happens when you let your guard down? How does THAT feel?"  I'll tell you- it doesn't feel good.

But thankfully I am a smart woman, and I have some wits about me. I know that I am a fantastic human being, and I know I'll always land on my feet. I know there's a guy out there that is thrilled at the prospect of listening to my incredibly detailed stories, of seeing the spark that is in my eyes when I talk about my hopes and dreams, that wants to build a life and a family, and that is ready to move forward toward his goals. 

There are too many "stuck" people out there, and, frankly, I am growing tired of dealing with them. You can only say the same speech so many times before you want to shake them, you know?  I am excited with hope for my future, and I know that there will be amazing things that even happen in a year's time. Does tonight suck, because I had to realize that letting my guard down means getting hurt? YES.  Will I get over it and move on? YES, I always do. Fortunately, regret is on my side, because I take the chances and even make the mistakes. 

I feel sorry for the people that have to wonder "what if" many years later.

By then, it may be too late.

Spring is in the air...

There's nothing like the change from cold, blustery days to warm and breezy.  This winter, it seemed like the cold, nasty weather dragged on forever, and it started to nag on my mood.  I was waiting for the days when I could get out and move.  It seemed that cabin fever got the better of me.

Then, it seemed like a switch was flipped and everything was gorgeous outside.  Flowers were blooming, warm temperatures lured me outdoors, and it seemed everything was at peace.  I even caught my children outside, lying on their backs in the yard and looking at the clouds.

This made me think back to a year ago, when everything really started to heal.  It was an almost immediate event, achieving calm in our house.  Shortly after our move to Tullahoma, the children became more calm and well-adjusted.  Their anxieties lessened, and mine did as well. Over the course of a few months, I ran myself ragged trying to make "normal" happen for them. It took until last March for me to feel GOOD. I guess when you endure crap for years, it is going to take more than a month or two to feel normal.

Today, while I was sitting in the garden and digging in the ground, I thought about how different my life is now.  I am independent, confident in taking the children out and doing whatever I need to do, and I don't constantly worry about things.  It seems my life is in order, but I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I AM IN CONTROL.  No matter what measures I took to be responsible and thoughtful, if the other part of the equation is stealing money and disappearing, we will never move ahead.  Even with the little a teacher makes, it seems my life is running so much smoother.

And socially it seems I am coming out on top.  I have some good friendships, though I wish I had time to see them more often. I am getting out and trying new things, which was a major part of the project last year.  I am dating an absolutely wonderful guy, and am quite happy even in our basic encounters.

A word about him...

Last night, we were meeting to go to dinner and the drive-in theater. Earlier in the day, he confirmed that I did like pineapple (my favorite fruit), and said nothing more. When I arrived at the parking lot to meet him, he came out of his car with a white dishpan.  The inside was filled with white towels, and he told me he needed to put something in my car's trunk. We were taking his car, but he wanted to make sure I got this gift. I wasn't allowed to see it until later, so he tucked it in the trunk and shut the lid.

We had a fantastic dinner, and the movies were absolutely terrible. We had a lot of fun talking before the movie, and laughing at the absurdity of the movies.  When we returned to the cars, he leaped out of his vehicle and opened my trunk. He took out a pie he had made, and placed it back in the trunk. I looked at him with a puzzled expression, and asked if he made that for me. He told me he did, and went on to say that he wished he had bought enough ingredients to make him a pie as well. At that point I was very surprised, because this meant he sought out to make me something that was for only me. It wasn't a coincidence that he was making several, or that someone handed him a pie he didn't want.

Now, I might sound absolutely ridiculous about going on about a pie.  I guess without divulging much personal information, I should say that this is the most timid and teenage dating experience I have ever had.  It has gone extremely slow, I have always been thought of for who I am and what I stand for, and myself and my children have come ahead of what he wants.  He has always been ultra-polite, thought about the fact that I was someone's daughter, and always wanted to develop a relationship and make something meaningful, instead of making another notch in the bedpost.

And this was terribly new to me, because it always seemed other people had agendas.  Either that, or they had so many issues that they wanted to put aside my thoughts and feelings to care for them.  It was just a pie, but it was absolutely refreshing to receive something that someone took time to plan for, assembled, and took great in transporting in the hopes I would enjoy it.  In the world of Love Languages, I am definitely an Acts of Service or Quality Time person.  I am not much for flashy gifts and such, but if someone does something for me, or takes the time to do something I enjoy just because, then that means the world to me.

And last night, that simple gesture meant the world to me.

I am not really good at projecting what will happen in the future.  For some reason, there are experiences that seemed smooth-sailing that later turned out to end quickly.  There were years that definitely did not end the way I planned. But I have to believe that when something builds on a foundation of getting to know someone, and values building a bond and a relationship over physical feelings, then something big starts to happen.  I start getting pies that are made specifically for me, and I start thinking while gardening of something new and exciting I might want to show him. Maybe a silly monument I saw once, or an adventure I always wanted to take.  The point is, I feel the most important part of a relationship is when you start to put someone into your everyday life. The pie was just a symbol, but it was an absolutely delicious one!

In a few days, it will officially be Spring. The day after that, I go to court to deal with child support issues with my ex-husband. I will say that my sporadic dealings in the area of child support issues and ex-strangeness have made me appreciate the gestures such as the pie. Not just that gesture, but really that Travis is a good, ethical, faithful person.  He is interested in only doing what is right, and has an incredible work ethic.  When I was 20 and I wanted to live an exciting life, we probably wouldn't have matched up with me very well.  Now that I am wiser in the ways of the world, and have learned through experience what really matters, I can see that someone with stability in all areas of life can make me feel the most secure.  And that is a GOOD feeling. :-)