Can You Really "Have It All?"

I was driving to Nashville on Friday, and that gave me a lot of time to think.  Probably my favorite thing to do is drive when I have decisions to make; there's something about the road that lulls my brain into the space where thoughts are lucid and come so freely.

I had just stopped by the hospital to greet a new life. My best friend, Robin, had a baby boy, and I was very eager to hold him.  There's just about nothing cooler than holding a baby within twenty-four hours of the start of life.  He had that nice "new baby scent," and just sat there sleeping. My favorite thing is watching them try to open their eyes and look at you; they are still figuring out how to work the muscles, which makes for some interesting expressions.  I couldn't be happier for Robin, knowing that she had wanted another child for a while.  While I know that my baby days are over (thankfully!), I was excited to have another baby around. I like holding them and playing with them, then going home to sleep through the night in my own house... :-)

Here's the new little man, with his whole life ahead of him... Cute stuff! :-)



Back to the drive...

I was thinking about how much my life had changed in the past few months.  Thinking about surgery, some medical stuff, my job, life stresses, career paths, new relationships, and the steady calm that has started to take over where the kids are concerned.  Sure, there have been hiccups, but life has been overall "decent," and that can be a really good thing.

Then I had a thought- there's a lot of good stuff that can happen in the next year, and a lot of changes I can make to ensure I am leading a calmer life of purpose. Can I really "have it all?"  I hear people use that phrase, and I often wonder what that even means.  Surely life can't go perfectly 100% of the time? Or maybe I am just getting a bad deal out of this, and people really do have such seamless lives?

I spent Saturday with Jason, and had an absolutely fantastic day. We started off with breakfast at Cracker Barrel, went to The Frist Center to see some art (I had NEVER been before!), stopped in at Union Station Hotel to look around (again, had NEVER been there either!), ate lunch at Olive Garden, and went to see the Predators play that evening.  Even rounded out the evening eating leftover pizza and chocolate chip cookies on the couch.  Seems like a lot of pretty cool stuff, but I started thinking about all of that.

And I realized...

I think for a day, I had it all.  I spent a day of relaxing adventures (if that's possible) with someone I cared for.  Exploring art exhibits (even if they induced vertigo), enjoying the beautiful sunshine outside, taking a Saturday afternoon nap, eating pasta, great conversation, a rousing hockey game with a couple brawls, and feeling a hand reach for my during the game.  Strolling along Broadway, looking at the lights and listening to the chatter and music while headed to the car. Chatting about life while eating cookies on the couch. And falling asleep knowing that everything is going to be quite alright. Does it get any better?

I know every day isn't going to be like this. There are going to be ups and downs that happen, and that's just life. But I remember something that Robin told me a while back.  I was telling her a story about something that happened to me, and I wondered aloud if this stuff happened to other people. She said...

"You can make hugging a trucker in a Walmart parking lot sound exciting. You look for magic in everyday things, and that's why you find it. It has to be a special world- what you see through your eyes."

And she's right. I'm so thankful that I am conscious of these things around me. Because I notice them; THAT'S what makes it so special. Because I see the good that can happen, and notice the little moments, the glances and winks, and the warm hand holding mine on a crisp evening. I see the magic that happens in the every day, and that probably makes typical days seem extra special.

And with that mindset, I imagine I can have it all. I feel like, for the most part, I am getting there. There's a whole lot of possibility on the horizon, and I'm pretty excited about the ride. :-)

This is how excited I look after eating a funnel cake, and knowing that I haven't covered my body in powdered sugar...  I think he's excited I won't be tracking the "snow" back to his new car... ;-)

From a tiny seed...

Carly and I were riding around the Puyallup, WA area, and she was remarking how big the trees were in the area. This was true- the fantastically gigantic evergreens looked like they soared up to the sky.  She asked where trees like that came from, and my response was:

"No matter how big the tree, each tree comes from a tiny little seed. Somewhere along the way, this tiny little seed was buried, nurtured, and given the space to grow, and a gigantic tree came forth."

To which she responded: "how on Earth does that happen?"

Me: "Potential.  There's an amazing amount of potential in a tiny little seed. We all have the capacity for greatness already within us. And the capacity for a tree so great starts out in a tiny little seed."


I enjoy moments like that, when it seems I am having such an existential discussion with my daughter, and when I can glean some wisdom from it as well.

Lately, I've been struggling with my purpose. More specifically, I've been looking at how I can fulfill my purpose while maintaining my roles that I fill in my everyday life.  This has honestly taken a lot of introspection, a lot of thought about what makes me tick and what makes me thrive, and the decision that I don't want to live in a fog. I want to experience the world around me, and feel that I am leading a balanced life.

This means I took a look back to my roots, and examined how I came into the career of teaching special education. I'm not going to lie: when I was in college, I wanted nothing more than to write books about social issues, about groups of people and grand experiments.  I was making so many observations about the human condition, and I wanted to write something that would inspire great change.

But then I had to be an adult, and someone had to support the family while my ex finished school and went on to grad school. So, teaching was a logical choice, and special education had the greatest need.

Don't get me wrong; I love working with the students that I have in school.  The stress level is often more than I can handle while still being healthy, but I do it because I care deeply for those children. Still, I know that given the choice, my heart is in writing and researching and exploring the world around me. I love talking with people from all walks of life, and I know there is so much wisdom in my interactions with random people.

So, while thinking about all of these things, I thought about my potential. I knew I was intelligent in school, and it seemed that I could do pretty much anything I wanted to in life. But I underestimated my potential; somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough to be a scientist, engineer, or social researcher.  Somewhere along the way I decided that my dream needed to take a back seat to practicality.  There aren't a lot of things I regret in life, but this is one of them. I wish that I had believed in myself enough.

Of course, that could have changed the rest of my past. I know that one decision can affect so many things, and I don't want to undo all of the good that came along with these decisions. I guess at this point, all I can do is acknowledge this dream, and try to make it a reality.

From the tiny seed of my spirit can come great things. With the nurturing soil of my mind and the light from my optimistic and loving heart, I am sure to blossom. Thirty-one years old is not too old to decide that I am still destined for greatness.